Middlebury Vermont Town Council Continues 242-Year Tradition Of American Democracy With 4-1 Vote To Rezone Lot For New Popeyes

MIDDLEBURY, VT—Following in the hallowed and time-honored civic footsteps of their forefathers, Middlebury town council members continued the 242-year tradition of American democracy Monday with 4-1 vote in favor of rezoning a residential lot to accommodate a new Popeyes Chicken franchise. “I’m always happy to support…

World Leaders Hope Singapore Summit Will Lead To North Korea Becoming Normal Impoverished Country They Don’t Have To Think About

PARIS—Waiting in anticipation of the meeting between U.S. president Donald Trump and North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, dozens of world leaders reportedly expressed hope Monday that the Singapore summit would lead to North Korea becoming a normal impoverished country they don’t have to think about. “I think I…

Americans Freed From North Korea Sent Back To Pyongyang After Denuclearization Talks Fall Through

WASHINGTON—Struggling as they were handcuffed and removed from their homes, three American citizens recently freed from North Korea were sent back to Pyongyang Thursday after denuclearization talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un fell through. “Unfortunately, so long as the aforementioned Nuclear Summit remains…

Increasingly Obsessed Robert Mueller Forces Wife To Dye Hair Blond, Dress Like Ivanka

WASHINGTON—With the Trump probe constantly preoccupying more and more of the special investigator’s mind, Robert Mueller has reportedly forced his wife this week to dye her hair and dress in expensive jewelry and designer gowns identical to those worn by Ivanka Trump. “Dammit, go get a different clutch and put on the…

Russian Lawyer Admits To Repeatedly Informing Kremlin Of Trump Campaign’s Ineptitude

MOSCOW—Confessing that her relationship with the Putin government was closer than previously disclosed, Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya admitted Friday to repeated and frequent communication with the Kremlin concerning the Trump campaign’s “unprecedented, colossal, and towering” ineptitude. “On numerous…

Dirty, Disheveled Scott Pruitt Confesses He Spent Last Of EPA Funding Weeks Ago

WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth in his chair and openly weeping, a dirty, disheveled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt confessed during testimony before the House Appropriations committee Thursday that he had spent the last of his department’s funding weeks ago. “It’s gone, all gone, every penny of it—poof, just like…

Publicist Worried Kanye West’s Support Of Trump Will Damage His Carefully Crafted Public Image As A Manic Self-Absorbed Lunatic

LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to…

Trump Boys Beg Father To Nominate G.I. Joe Action Figure Cobra Commander For VA Secretary

WASHINGTON—Trying to help out by offering an alternative choice amid controversy over current pick Ronny Jackson, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump pleaded with their father to nominate the G.I. Joe action figure Cobra Commander for secretary of veterans affairs. “He’s a good, strong leader just like you, Dad, and he’s…

Trump Suffering Horrible Indigestion After Eating Fresh, Well-Prepared State Dinner Meal

WASHINGTON—Experiencing searing abdominal pain brought on by the healthy fare, President Trump reportedly suffered horrible indigestion Wednesday, the morning after he ate a fresh, well-prepared meal at his first state dinner. “Ugh, my God—why the hell did I eat all that garbage last night?” said the wincing, sweating…

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