A series of memos written by former FBI director James Comey and released to Congress Thursday by the Justice Department provide more insight into his relationship with President Donald Trump, as well as offer information pertinent to the ongoing investigation into his administration’s ties to Russia. The Onion…
NEO-SEATTLE—Decrying the lack of decorum on display, an American from decades in the future remarked that politics was never this toxic “back in the 2010s,” shaking his head as he watched the leading presidential candidates of 2048 fight to the death in blood-soaked debate pits.
WASHINGTON—Demanding greater accountability for the race’s outcome, the Democratic National Committee reportedly filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit Friday alleging that the nation should never, ever stop focusing on the 2016 presidential election. “Our lawsuit lays out, in no uncertain terms, that the nation should…
PYONGYANG—Declaring that he has “finally, at long last, come home” to a society that properly aligns with his values, former C.I.A. director and U.S. Secretary of State candidate Mike Pompeo officially defected to the totalitarian nation Thursday after learning about Kim Jong-un’s torture program. “It’s amazing—the…
WASHINGTON—Stammering as they struggled to form an opinion about the surprising revelation, the nation’s liberals admitted Thursday they were not sure what to think after hearing U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had waterboarded every suspect in his investigation into the Trump campaign. “I’ve stood firmly in…
WASHINGTON—Following President Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes in Syria without seeking approval from Congress, GOP lawmakers reportedly asked what they had ever done to make the commander in chief think they wouldn’t immediately knuckle under and let him bomb whomever he wishes. “Honestly, he ought to know by…
NEW YORK—Saying that any past interactions he’d had with the attorney were completely informal, Fox News television host Sean Hannity told reporters Tuesday that his relationship with Michael Cohen never went beyond paying him for legal advice and discussing criminal defense strategies. “Mr. Cohen is no more than an…
A new book by former FBI director James Comey, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, And Leadership, promises to offer an inside look at his time in federal law enforcement, as well as his controversial role in the 2016 presidential election. Here are the biggest revelations from Comey’s autobiography.
WASHINGTON—As the U.S. military awaited a potential response to its recent series of targeted airstrikes, sources reported Monday that the Trump administration would not rule out escalating defense-sector profits from the conflict in Syria. “If [Syrian president] Bashar al-Assad decides to retaliate, we won’t hesitate…
WASHINGTON—Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly shocked Monday after suddenly realizing that he wrote his forthcoming memoir, A Higher Loyalty, as a defense mechanism to subconsciously mask his true, romantic feelings for President Donald Trump. “Oh, my God, it just dawned on me, I’m head over heels in love…
WASHINGTON—Expressing their bewilderment that the former FBI director had chosen to focus on the incident in such detail, the U.S. populace was reportedly confused Friday after learning that James Comey had dedicated the entirety of his upcoming memoir, A Higher Calling, to an in-depth retelling of the Martha Stewart…
WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise at the relatively tame treatment he had received during his confirmation hearing, Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe the Senate expected him to give answers without even being tortured first. “I thought I was supposed to be grilled on my…
WASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S. General Paul Selva reportedly snapped “Look, just tell us who to kill” Thursday as President Donald Trump entered the 20th minute of a rambling answer about what to do in Syria. “With all due respect, Mr.…
WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of thinking long and hard about what a scandal like that could do to his career, White House aides spent hours Thursday trying to talk Donald Trump out of sending associates to break into the Watergate office complex. “Mr. President, I don’t think anyone from the DNC has worked…
WASHINGTON—Making it clear that they are fully prepared to use every means at their disposal to stand up against rival foreign powers, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump announced Thursday that if Russia continues to provoke the United States, they will not hesitate to egg targets in Moscow. “We like those guys, but make no…
