PARIS—Waiting in anticipation of the meeting between U.S. president Donald Trump and North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, dozens of world leaders reportedly expressed hope Monday that the Singapore summit would lead to North Korea becoming a normal impoverished country they don’t have to think about. “I think I…
WASHINGTON—Struggling as they were handcuffed and removed from their homes, three American citizens recently freed from North Korea were sent back to Pyongyang Thursday after denuclearization talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un fell through. “Unfortunately, so long as the aforementioned Nuclear Summit remains…
WASHINGTON—With the Trump probe constantly preoccupying more and more of the special investigator’s mind, Robert Mueller has reportedly forced his wife this week to dye her hair and dress in expensive jewelry and designer gowns identical to those worn by Ivanka Trump. “Dammit, go get a different clutch and put on the…
WASHINGTON—Frantically searching desk drawers, file folders, and the soil of a potted plant, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly ransacked Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office Tuesday in order to steal the corresponding answer key for the questions investigators planned to ask their father. “USA Patriot Number…
Actor and activist Cynthia Nixon is mounting a progressive challenge to incumbent New York governor Andrew Cuomo in a Democratic Party primary that could have far-reaching implications nationwide. The Onion offers a side-by-side comparison of the two candidates.
MOSCOW—Confessing that her relationship with the Putin government was closer than previously disclosed, Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya admitted Friday to repeated and frequent communication with the Kremlin concerning the Trump campaign’s “unprecedented, colossal, and towering” ineptitude. “On numerous…
The White House Correspondents’ Association will be holding its annual dinner on April 28, in a tradition that has happened nearly every year since 1921. The Onion presents a timeline of the biggest moments in White House Correspondents’ Dinner history.
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of providing young people with the skills they need to make good decisions as they mature into adulthood, Vice President Mike Pence held a press conference Thursday to unveil a new campaign educating teens about the dangers of premarital eye contact. “This new initiative will…
WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth in his chair and openly weeping, a dirty, disheveled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt confessed during testimony before the House Appropriations committee Thursday that he had spent the last of his department’s funding weeks ago. “It’s gone, all gone, every penny of it—poof, just like…
LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern over the fallout from several controversial tweets praising the president, Kanye West’s publicist was reportedly worried Thursday that the rapper’s support of Donald Trump would damage his carefully crafted public image as a manic, self-absorbed lunatic. “Christ, we’ve worked so hard to…
WASHINGTON—Trying to help out by offering an alternative choice amid controversy over current pick Ronny Jackson, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump pleaded with their father to nominate the G.I. Joe action figure Cobra Commander for secretary of veterans affairs. “He’s a good, strong leader just like you, Dad, and he’s…
WASHINGTON—Experiencing searing abdominal pain brought on by the healthy fare, President Trump reportedly suffered horrible indigestion Wednesday, the morning after he ate a fresh, well-prepared meal at his first state dinner. “Ugh, my God—why the hell did I eat all that garbage last night?” said the wincing, sweating…
WASHINGTON—Zigzagging through the State Dining Room in an effort to avoid bath time, a naked Eric Trump ran through his father’s first state dinner Tuesday pursued by a screaming au pair, White House guests have confirmed. The official ceremony to honor visiting French president Emmanuel Macron was reportedly…
WASHINGTON—Explaining that he found the discrepancies “delightful” and “nothing to be embarrassed about,” Emmanuel Macron admitted during a chat with American leaders Tuesday that he was charmed by the little differences between Islamophobia in France and the United States. “In a broad sense, our cultures both share a…
