Pope Francis Sneaks Leftovers To False God Moloch At Back Door Of St. Peter’s Basilica

VATICAN CITY—Quickly scanning the alley to make sure no one would see him with the scraps he had placed on a spare offering plate, Pope Francis reportedly stepped out the back door of St. Peter’s Basilica late Wednesday night and slipped leftovers to the false god Moloch. “I know I should be forsaking him, but what am…

Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis

VATICAN CITY—Racing frantically through St. Peter’s Square toward the sound of the Supreme Pontiff’s agonized cries, members of the Vatican’s Swiss Guard reportedly charged and surrounded a colossal writhing mass of black tentacles Wednesday that was devouring Pope Francis. “Destroy the infernal monstrosity,” shouted…

Pope Francis Trains For Easter Mass By Dragging Pew Loaded With Rocks Across Snow

AOSTA, ITALY—Pushing himself to the physical brink in the bitter cold wilderness high in the Alps, Pope Francis reportedly began training Friday for this year’s upcoming Easter Mass by dragging a wooden pew loaded with rocks across the snow. “No stopping now; the weak never finish,” said the sweat-drenched bishop of…

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Pope Francis Clarifies That God Just One Of Many Immortal Beings Who Speak To Him Every Day

VATICAN CITY—Explaining how he rarely goes more than an hour or two without hearing from one of them or another, Pope Francis revealed to reporters Tuesday that God is just one of many immortal beings who speak to him on a daily basis. “God is always there to listen to my prayers and provide spiritual guidance, but on…

Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly aghast as he took the pulpit at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia to deliver a sermon Saturday, a horrified Pope Francis reportedly referred to the city as a “blighted abomination, forsaken by Heaven” and “humanity’s greatest sin against God.” “In my travels, I have…