VATICAN CITY—After setting down a small tote bag and unfolding a plastic lawn chair next to the Vatican Obelisk, Pope Francis was reportedly spotted Wednesday afternoon sunbathing nude in the middle of St. Peter’s Square. “He poured himself some ice-cold sacramental wine out of a little thermos, and then he just took…

VATICAN CITY—Quickly scanning the alley to make sure no one would see him with the scraps he had placed on a spare offering plate, Pope Francis reportedly stepped out the back door of St. Peter’s Basilica late Wednesday night and slipped leftovers to the false god Moloch. “I know I should be forsaking him, but what am…

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday. “The cherub came out perfect this year! Look how tender that…

VATICAN CITY—Receiving protection against chemical, environmental, and immoral hazards in the workplace, Pope Francis reportedly began wearing a miter fitted with a hard polycarbonate faceshield this week to comply with the Vatican’s new health and safety standards. “When presiding over mass in one of our holy…

VATICAN CITY—Saying the wicked little creature had probably crept out of some crack that led to Hell, Pope Francis reportedly crushed a small demon beneath his shoe Friday as it crawled across his papal apartment floor. “Got that little fucker,” said the pontiff, who repeatedly stomped on the infernal being until all…

VATICAN CITY—Saying it was probably a good idea to give Him some space for the next little while, Pope Francis warned Catholic worshippers this week that now is not the best time to bother God, sources confirmed. “God has a lot on His plate right now and these last couple weeks have been especially crazy for Him, so I…

VATICAN CITY—Grasping the back of the man’s collar with one hand while pummeling his face with the other, Pope Francis reportedly beat a confession out of an uncooperative Catholic parishioner Thursday in a backroom of St. Peter’s Basilica. “Listen, buddy, I haven’t even gotten warmed up yet, so we can either keep…

VATICAN CITY—Racing frantically through St. Peter’s Square toward the sound of the Supreme Pontiff’s agonized cries, members of the Vatican’s Swiss Guard reportedly charged and surrounded a colossal writhing mass of black tentacles Wednesday that was devouring Pope Francis. “Destroy the infernal monstrosity,” shouted…

VATICAN CITY—Expressing his frustration with ongoing tensions at work, Pope Francis admitted Tuesday that he had started worrying about his job security after repeatedly butting heads with the new God. “At first, I thought it was going to be a fairly smooth transition, but it turns out He and I don’t see eye to eye on…

AOSTA, ITALY—Pushing himself to the physical brink in the bitter cold wilderness high in the Alps, Pope Francis reportedly began training Friday for this year’s upcoming Easter Mass by dragging a wooden pew loaded with rocks across the snow. “No stopping now; the weak never finish,” said the sweat-drenched bishop of…

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

VATICAN CITY—Following a guided tour of the excavated ruins beneath St. Peter’s Basilica on Tuesday, several stunned members of a Vatican sightseeing group told reporters they had glimpsed a gaunt and haggard Joseph Ratzinger as he scuttled past them in the dark corridors of the subterranean burial site.

VATICAN CITY—Explaining how he rarely goes more than an hour or two without hearing from one of them or another, Pope Francis revealed to reporters Tuesday that God is just one of many immortal beings who speak to him on a daily basis. “God is always there to listen to my prayers and provide spiritual guidance, but on…

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly aghast as he took the pulpit at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia to deliver a sermon Saturday, a horrified Pope Francis reportedly referred to the city as a “blighted abomination, forsaken by Heaven” and “humanity’s greatest sin against God.” “In my travels, I have…