Jan 12News in Brief1/12/21News in Brief1/12/21Pope Francis Warns Seals On Jesus’ Tomb Are WeakeningVATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold…
Dec 21The Topical12/21/20The Topical12/21/20Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout DayHear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it…
Nov 30News in Brief11/30/20News in Brief11/30/20Pope Francis Urges World To Give ‘The Newsroom’ Another ChanceVATICAN CITY—Calling upon the world’s 1.2 billion Roman Catholics to act with forgiveness towards the Aaron Sorkin…
Nov 10News in Brief11/10/20News in Brief11/10/20Scrambling Vatican Quickly Establishes Child Molestation As New SacramentVATICAN CITY—Backpedaling under increased scrutiny after more revelations of widespread sexual abuse cover-ups in…
Sep 16News in Brief9/16/20News in Brief9/16/20Pope Francis Gets Self Thrown Into Hell As Part Of Plot To Take Down High-Level Demon RingTHIRD CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that going deep undercover within the adversary’s organization was the only way to…
Sep 4News in Brief9/4/20News in Brief9/4/20Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout DayVATICAN CITY—Revealing that the practice helped him reach a state of sanctifying grace, Pope Francis confirmed…
Jul 27News7/27/20News7/27/20Whoopsies: The Vatican Has Ruled That Nintendo Committed A Venial Sin After Imbuing Lifeless Paper Products With The Soul Of MarioWe’ve got some embarrassing news, gamers. After Paper Mario: The Origami King’s positive reception and solid sales,…
Apr 15News in Brief4/15/20News in Brief4/15/20Pope Francis Finally Close To Finishing BibleVATICAN CITY—Expressing surprise at how productive he had been during the pandemic, Pope Francis told reporters…
Mar 9News in Brief3/9/20News in Brief3/9/20Pope Francis Urges Priests To Refrain From Molesting Children Over Coronavirus FearsVATICAN CITY—Stressing that ensuring the safety of all clergy members remained the Holy See’s primary concern, Pope…
Feb 17News in Brief2/17/20News in Brief2/17/20Pope Francis Attempts To Compromise On Rule-Change Proposals By Allowing Priests To Marry HimVATICAN CITY—In an effort to find middle ground between liberal factions hoping to modernize the church and…
Nov 14 2019News11/14/19News11/14/19Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim HuntTHE HEAVENS—Emerging from behind a cloud blind in a blaze orange miter and camouflaged vestments, His Holiness Pope…
Oct 25 2019News in Brief10/25/19News in Brief10/25/19Pope Francis Teaches Parishioners Dangers Of Sinning By Showing Them Cross Section Of Black, Desiccated SoulROME—In an effort to provide a striking visual to drive home the severity of both venial and mortal transgressions,…
Sep 23 2019News in Brief9/23/19News in Brief9/23/19Vatican Forced To Revoke Dozens Of Sainthoods After Discovering Miracles Performed With Eldritch MagicVATICAN CITY—After uncovering compromising historical records in the Holy See’s archive, the Vatican announced…
Sep 19 2019News in Brief9/19/19News in Brief9/19/19Pope Francis Tells Sinner Risky Experimental Sacrament Only Thing Capable Of Saving HimVATICAN CITY—Saying that he wouldn’t recommend such an invasive course of action unless the situation was dire, Pope…
Feb 27 2019News In Photos2/27/19News In Photos2/27/19Pope Francis Working Out At Vatican Gym Wearing ‘Sex Abuse Summit 2019’ T-Shirt
Feb 26 2019News in Brief2/26/19News in Brief2/26/19Catholic Church Brings In New Perspective On Solving Abuse Scandal With Appointment Of Toddler BishopVATICAN CITY—Hoping to gain new insights into the church’s sexual abuse problem by directly empowering those most…
Feb 21 2019News in Brief2/21/19News in Brief2/21/19Pope Francis Offers Molested Kids 10% Off At Vatican City Gift ShopVATICAN CITY—In a gesture of goodwill intended to show the Papacy’s support for victims, Pope Francis announced…
Feb 21 2019News In Photos2/21/19News In Photos2/21/19Pope Breaks Ice At Clergy Abuse Summit By Having Everyone Go Around And Say How Many Kids They Molested
Feb 20 2019News in Brief2/20/19News in Brief2/20/19Pope Spends Afternoon Filling In Glory Holes All Over St. Peter’s BasilicaVATICAN CITY—In an attempt to repair the dozens of suspicious openings he had found drilled through the church’s…
Feb 6 2019News In Photos2/6/19News In Photos2/6/19Pope Francis: ‘Jesus—I Get Molesting Kids, But Nuns Too?’