VATICAN CITY—In an effort to make the holiday as stress-free as possible for everyone, Pope Francis asked congregants gathered at St. Peter’s Basilica Thursday if it would be okay to just do a low-key Easter this year. “I know we usually get dressed up and make a big deal out of Easter, but wouldn’t it be nice if just…
OUTER DARKNESS, HELL—Becoming disoriented by the sight of a shrieking, many-headed snake emerging in agony from a nearby lava pit, Pope Francis reportedly found himself in the depths of Hell Friday after taking a wrong turn in the nigh-endless catacombs beneath the Vatican. “Ah, crap, not again,” said the Pope,…
THE VATICAN—Centuries after they evaded conscription for military campaigns to the Holy Land, Pope Francis officially pardoned all Christians who dodged the draft during the Crusades, sources reported Monday. “Although we certainly don’t endorse their actions, enough time has passed that these men should be granted…
VATICAN CITY—Announcing that the all-powerful deity had met the requirements for being considered a blessed person within the Catholic Church, Pope Francis beatified God on Monday, initiating an important step in the Almighty’s journey to sainthood. “Our independent committee of researchers has verified that the…
VATICAN CITY—Startled by how much His appearance had deteriorated since they’d last met, Pope Francis admitted to reporters on Thursday that God was really starting to look old. “Man, I guess I hadn’t noticed it until now, but these last few years have really taken a toll,” said the pontiff, adding that perhaps the…
VATICAN CITY—Praising the district’s vast selection of inexpensive goods and its vendors’ willingness to negotiate prices, Pope Francis reportedly spent Thursday afternoon strolling through Vatican City’s Chinatown before purchasing a knockoff golden chalice.
VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S.…
VATICAN CITY—Recalling that he hid it somewhere among the dozens of sarcophagi underneath St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis was reportedly scouring the papal tombs Thursday in search of the final egg from the Vatican Easter Egg Hunt. “If I can’t find this egg, the catacombs will totally reek,” said the frustrated…
VATICAN CITY—Emphatically asking the crowd if they were “ready to embrace the redemption offered in the blood of Christ” as pipe organ hymns blasted from the speaker system and multicolored, laser-projected doves fluttered across the buildings’ stone facades, Pope Francis reportedly rode into St. Peter’s Square Sunday…
VATICAN CITY—Roughly 48 hours after being bitten by the Holy Spirit, Pope Francis expressed concern that the wound inflicted by the unveiled Epiphany of God had become infected, Vatican sources reported Tuesday. “The little bastard only nipped me, but now it’s all swollen,” the Pope said, gingerly cradling his tender…
VATICAN CITY—After setting down a small tote bag and unfolding a plastic lawn chair next to the Vatican Obelisk, Pope Francis was reportedly spotted Wednesday afternoon sunbathing nude in the middle of St. Peter’s Square. “He poured himself some ice-cold sacramental wine out of a little thermos, and then he just took…
VATICAN CITY—Quickly scanning the alley to make sure no one would see him with the scraps he had placed on a spare offering plate, Pope Francis reportedly stepped out the back door of St. Peter’s Basilica late Wednesday night and slipped leftovers to the false god Moloch. “I know I should be forsaking him, but what am…
VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday. “The cherub came out perfect this year! Look how tender that…
VATICAN CITY—Receiving protection against chemical, environmental, and immoral hazards in the workplace, Pope Francis reportedly began wearing a miter fitted with a hard polycarbonate faceshield this week to comply with the Vatican’s new health and safety standards. “When presiding over mass in one of our holy…
VATICAN CITY—In an effort to strengthen their relationship and foster interfaith dialogue, Pope Francis reportedly welcomed the winged Mayan snake god Kukulkan to the Vatican this week as part of a month-long deity exchange program. “We are excited to have the War Serpent staying here with us for the next four weeks,…
VATICAN CITY—Saying the wicked little creature had probably crept out of some crack that led to Hell, Pope Francis reportedly crushed a small demon beneath his shoe Friday as it crawled across his papal apartment floor. “Got that little fucker,” said the pontiff, who repeatedly stomped on the infernal being until all…
VATICAN CITY—Saying it was probably a good idea to give Him some space for the next little while, Pope Francis warned Catholic worshippers this week that now is not the best time to bother God, sources confirmed. “God has a lot on His plate right now and these last couple weeks have been especially crazy for Him, so I…
VATICAN CITY—Grasping the back of the man’s collar with one hand while pummeling his face with the other, Pope Francis reportedly beat a confession out of an uncooperative Catholic parishioner Thursday in a backroom of St. Peter’s Basilica. “Listen, buddy, I haven’t even gotten warmed up yet, so we can either keep…
VATICAN CITY—Racing frantically through St. Peter’s Square toward the sound of the Supreme Pontiff’s agonized cries, members of the Vatican’s Swiss Guard reportedly charged and surrounded a colossal writhing mass of black tentacles Wednesday that was devouring Pope Francis. “Destroy the infernal monstrosity,” shouted…
