DAVENPORT, IA—Musing philosophically on the deeply pleasurable possibilities, local man and potential electronic voyeur Tanner Mitchell, 27, wondered Tuesday whether there existed some form of website featuring footage of live sexual acts that interested parties might view for the purposes of self-gratification. “It…
WASHINGTON—Saying the website has mounted a direct assault on free speech, Republicans in Congress told reporters Tuesday they were outraged by reports claiming the pornographic video site RedTube has censored conservative voices on its platform. “Sadly, RedTube displays a consistent left-leaning bias, whether through…
WASHINGTON—Discouraged and demoralized almost to the breaking point by news of political corruption at the highest levels, images of migrant children still being kept in cages, time-lapse videos of disappearing polar ice caps, and a constant barrage of other relentlessly harrowing information, sources across the…
NEW YORK—Accommodating their viewers’ nonstop demands for seasonal hardcore porn, Spice Networks has rolled out their new Pumpkin Spice Channel, offering 24-hour autumn-themed pornographic films and videos. “Now the world’s dirtiest sluts can be seen taking it in every hole while they’re apple picking in northern…
WASHINGTON—Citizens across the country reportedly came to a collective agreement Wednesday that as a society they could probably make do with a bit less porn. “If we’re really being honest with ourselves, I think we have to acknowledge that we’d still be okay if there was maybe a fraction or so less pornography than…
I try to stay on top of things, but I can’t tell you how surprised I was this week when I looked at a calendar for the first time in I don’t know how long and I saw that we’re almost all the way through August. August! Can you believe it? I mean, here I was thinking that summer had just started, and it turns out we’re…
RALEIGH, NC—Stating that he wanted to find the option that best fit his budget and viewing habits, local man Jim Hinney told reporters Thursday he was trying to decide which among a pornographic website’s many subscription plans was right for him. “The $19.99 basic package seems pretty nice, but for an extra $5 you…
VAN NUYS, CA—A study released this week by the San Fernando Valley Institute for Adults-Only Research indicates that a staggering 96 percent of U.S. pornography is consumed by the filthiest 1 percent of the population. “Of all the pornography watched everywhere in the world, the vast majority is consumed by this elite…
VATICAN CITY—Sources confirmed a new hardcore pornographic movie began shooting at the Sistine Chapel on Sunday, marking the first time the seat of the Roman Catholic Church has hosted the filming of a sexually explicit adult feature since 1982’s Pope Fisters IV.
LOS ANGELES—Adult film fans have praised the newly released Batter Splatter 9, calling the 43-minute pornographic DVD accessible even to people who aren't previously acquainted with five guys jerking off on a single set of tits. "There's something in this movie for everyone, whether you already know something about…
NEW YORK—Although he is adept at fashioning representations of genitalia out of raw meats, ranging from pork belly to giblets, 36-year-old erotic butcher Eric Barnard told reporters Monday that the creation he is most proud of is his penis-shaped veal cutlet. "The Cock Chop is by far our best seller," said Barnard,…
A second autopsy will be performed on Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son who died at her bedside while she was hospitalized in the Bahamas. What do you think?
A new study found that teenagers who listen to sexually explicit lyrics are more likely to engage in sexual activity at an early age. What do you think?
Man, if I had to name one continent that really just does it for me, there's no question which one I'd pick: Asia. It just drives me wild. I know that a lot of my friends still don't get it, and I've gotten my share of glares from ex-girlfriends, but you know what? It's their loss. They're more than welcome to their…
It may seem odd to some that, at only 32 years of age, I have already prepared for my eventual passing. However, I feel strongly that there's no time like the present when it comes to planning one's final resting place, particularly when one is still of sound mind and body. Therefore, I would like to be cremated,…
HOUSTON, TX—Patrons in the VIP Room of Ajax Gentleman’s Club responded positively and expressed general satisfaction with the performance of stripper Candela, 21, on Tuesday night. "I can’t say I have any major criticisms concerning the girl who gave Dave that perfectly respectable lap dance," customer John MacRae…
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