SAN QUENTIN, CA—Expressing frustration with the endless parade of poorly informed new inmates attempting to establish a reputation, Otto “O-Nasty” Dunlap, the biggest guy at San Quentin Prison, confirmed Friday that he was tired of every new inmate beating the shit out of him on their first day. “Every day it’s the…
RAIFORD, FL—Saying that the disciplinary measure would make the prisoner think twice the next time, Union Correctional Institution warden Roy Connaught said Wednesday he figured a week in solitary confinement ought to teach inmate Ethan Williams not to be schizophrenic. “I reckon a stretch in the hole might show Ethan…
LOS ANGELES—Having heard the details so many times he could practically recite them by heart, Reggie Hall, Marion “Suge” Knight’s cellmate at the Los Angeles County Men’s Central Jail, told reporters Thursday he was tired of the hip-hop mogul’s incessant stories about long-forgotten ’90s-era beefs. “I’ll admit it was…
WASHINGTON—Needing a pick-me-up to shake his glum mood, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly scrolled through some statistics about minority incarceration rates Thursday to cheer himself up. “African-Americans: 13 percent of overall population, 40 percent of population in jails or state or federal prisons,” said…
ATMORE, AL—Telling the prison’s roughly 1,000 men that “today’s your lucky day,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly dropped a pile of weapons in Holman Correctional Facility’s main yard Wednesday before ordering inmates to reduce overcrowding by 30 percent. “Here’s the situation—we only got room for 700, so all…
MCALESTER, OK—Saying he knew he would just get hungry again later, Oklahoma State Penitentiary death row inmate Harris Boland told reporters Friday he was saving some of his last meal for between execution attempts. “I’m going to eat the lobster tails first while they’re still nice and hot, but they’ll probably be…
HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail. “Once the…
CREST HILL, IL—While alerting the public Thursday that inmate Leonard Sawyer had escaped from the facility during the night and was currently at large, officials from Stateville Correctional Center sought to assuage local residents’ concerns by emphasizing that the convict has 24 years of rehabilitation under his…
When I first found out I was being transferred to solitary confinement, I was pretty nervous. I’d heard stories about how hard “the box” is for guys to handle, and I questioned whether being left completely alone in there for an extended period might start to mess with my head and perhaps even prove counterproductive…
PHOENIX—Speaking to reporters Tuesday from his spacious corner office in the company’s sleek downtown corporate headquarters, Harbor Corrections Group CEO Walter G. Parks reminisced fondly about the business’s humble beginnings as a modest six-cell prison.
CHILLICOTHE, OH—Noting that the effects of the untested chemical combination remain unknown, Chillicothe Correctional Institution guard Matt Bozarth told reporters Monday he is giving an inmate on death row every chance to end his life before the facility tries out new execution drugs on him. “It’ll still be a few…
With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:
STARKE, FL—Shortly after the official scheduling of his execution date, convicted murderer Thomas McGuire admitted to reporters Wednesday that he is curious to see how the state is going to pull off his lethal injection. “I’ve been spending a lot of time praying and trying to find peace, but I have to admit, I also…
ROSEBURG, WA—Noting that the fugitive has surpassed all expectations for former inmates, sources confirmed Thursday that local convicted murderer Corey Morris, who escaped from the Idaho State Correctional Center in 1996, remains the nation’s most successful case of prisoner reintegration. “By securing gainful…
ALMOLOYA DE JUAREZ, MEXICO—Following the drug kingpin’s recent escape from the maximum security facility, Arturo Terrazas, warden of the Altiplano prison in central Mexico, vowed Monday to take away Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s tunnel privileges if he is captured. “Here at Altiplano, prisoners must earn their access to…
REDDICK, FL—Saying the institution is notorious for the incidents of extreme violence that take place within its walls, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Marion County Correctional Center is home to Florida’s most dangerous and hardened population of prison guards.
FLORENCE, AZ—Noting that the purity and reliability were significantly lower, sources at Arizona’s Florence State Prison confirmed that the lethal injection compounds given to convicted murderer Joseph Danvers III in the early morning hours Friday were by far the least effective drugs he took while incarcerated.…
TAMPA, FL—Speaking to reporters Tuesday about potentially continuing as a two-sport athlete after college, Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston refused to rule out the possibility of someday playing baseball in prison. “I’m a football player first and foremost, so that will remain a priority, but it’d be great if…
MCALESTER, OK—Calling it an “unfortunate incident,” Oklahoma Department of Corrections officials confirmed that convicted murderer and death row inmate Harrison Garber, 57, died of natural causes three days into his lethal injection Tuesday. “Approximately 55 hours into the execution process, Mr. Garber began having…
OSSINING, NY—Appearing visibly frustrated several hours after being placed into isolation at the Sing Sing Correctional Facility, convicted felon Walter Ray Harris reported this afternoon that he could not break with reality quickly enough. “Come on! How long could it possibly take for me to lose all understanding of…
