LONDON—Claiming that the fate of the Realm was dependent on the Prince’s continual satisfaction in all his physical needs, Queen Elizabeth II summoned Meghan Markle to her royal bedchamber Friday, where she embraced her granddaughter-to-be, slowly dimmed the lights, and proclaimed, “We must ensure you have the skills…

LONDON—After Prime Minister Theresa May initiated official proceedings for Great Britain’s exit from the European Union, sources confirmed Thursday that Queen Elizabeth II has been frantically trying to preserve the nation’s European alliances by arranging the marriages of her great-grandchildren. “With Britain…

LONDON—Saying that Her Highness was now in stable condition, Buckingham Palace representatives announced Thursday that Queen Elizabeth II had been rushed to the hospital early this morning to receive an emergency transfusion of royal blood. “It was a dire situation—there was very little royal blood on hand owing to…

LONDON—Cringing at the mere thought of the ceremonial rite she would have to perform, Queen Elizabeth II told reporters Thursday she hopes to die before having to knight any DJs. “God willing, I’ll pass away long before I’m ever called upon to bestow an honorary knighthood on Calvin Harris or Grooverider,” said the…

LONDON—Following the United Kingdom’s historic vote to exit the European Union, sources confirmed that Queen Elizabeth II spent Friday frantically screaming at her stockbroker to dump everything. “Just get rid of whatever we have—right now, goddammit!” said Her Royal Highness, who reportedly slammed her fist against a…

LONDON—Concluding it was the best way to ensure she remains comfortable during her twilight years, the British Royal Family recently placed Queen Elizabeth II into a local nursing home, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Members of the Royal Family are in agreement that they simply do not have the time or resources to…

LONDON—Members of the Royal Family confirmed today that, following his morning feeding, the crown’s newborn heir spit up on his great-grandmother, Queen Elizabeth II. “Elizabeth took the little hiccup lovingly in stride,” said an anonymous palace aide, adding that she had a “marvelous sense of humor about the…

LONDON—Following the House of Commons’ passage Tuesday of a bill that paves the way for same-sex marriage in Britain, Queen Elizabeth II publicly announced her plans to marry her longtime partner, 63-year-old Denise Whitelock, as soon as the law goes into effect. “After more than 30 years of sharing a committed and…

LONDON—Expressing her annoyance after nude photographs of her grandson Prince Harry of Wales surfaced on Hollywood celebrity website TMZ this week, Queen Elizabeth II announced today that she is highly disappointed the grainy shots don’t show anything good. “In one [photo] he’s basically just bending over this girl,…

LONDON—Sources close to the British royal family confirmed Tuesday that relatives of Queen Elizabeth II have privately expressed feelings of uneasiness ever since an incident last week in which the 83-year-old sovereign ordered guards to decapitate seven tourists having their picture taken outside Buckingham Palace.…

As Queen Elizabeth II becomes the oldest reigning monarch in British history, we take a look at some of her most significant waving moments.