Cain Train

"You better get your tickets ready, because it's time to ride the Cain train again." – Herman Cain

Three Dead Kids

"For years, countless children played with the Aqua Assault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three retards

Echolocation

"In most cases, the dolphins succeeded in finding land mines only when we placed them directly on top of the mines." -

PTSD

"If it's only their second or third tour, we have no problem sending soldiers with shattered psyches and profound

Cost of Living

"For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn't

Melo's Groin

"Carmelo's injury really isn't that unusual or severe, as these things go, so we've had to be persistent in striking

Heath Ledger 

"In the last one, they flipped over a semi and blew up an entire hospital, so don't tell me they can't use a little

Arne Duncan

"We've basically flushed $11,000 down the toilet for every single one of these little bastards." - Education Secretary

Aged Americans

"Think about it: You're a United States citizen who has to live with the decision to elect Barack Obama every single

NASA

"We're excited we made contact with this advanced form of life, but it's clear they're pretty big jerks." - NASA

Newt Gingrich

"I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just

Ninetysomethings

"I feel totally reinvigorated—this year I'm grabbing the bull by the horns and getting ready to die, first by canceling

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