Aug 10 2012

"You better get your tickets ready, because it's time to ride the Cain train again." – Herman Cain

Jun 22 2012

"If you somehow gather the mental wherewithal to collect 30 UPC labels and mail them to our promotions department,

Jun 20 2012

"I'm rich and famous, and everyone wants to be me. That doesn't make me a bully. That just makes me better than most

May 14 2012

"But don't you fret, America. If you ever feel like your government is getting too big or too intrusive, just give a

Apr 12 2012

"All the feminist movement needed to do was bring on someone who had the balls to do something about this glass

Apr 9 2012

"For years, countless children played with the Aqua Assault RoboFighter without incident. But then these three

Apr 4 2012

"In most cases, the dolphins succeeded in finding land mines only when we placed them directly on top of the mines."

Mar 21 2012

"If it's only their second or third tour, we have no problem sending soldiers with shattered psyches and profound

Mar 14 2012

"To have my belly repeatedly whacked is no less than the resounding declaration of my very humanity." - Joshua Bishop

Mar 7 2012

"There is no use squandering any more of our valuable time and money on the myth that every child is capable of

Feb 27 2012

"For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn't

Feb 17 2012

"Carmelo's injury really isn't that unusual or severe, as these things go, so we've had to be persistent in striking

Feb 16 2012

"In the last one, they flipped over a semi and blew up an entire hospital, so don't tell me they can't use a little

Feb 9 2012

"We've basically flushed $11,000 down the toilet for every single one of these little bastards." - Education

Feb 8 2012

"Think about it: You're a United States citizen who has to live with the decision to elect Barack Obama every single

Feb 6 2012

"We're excited we made contact with this advanced form of life, but it's clear they're pretty big jerks." - NASA

Feb 1 2012

"I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just

Jan 31 2012

"I pledge to every single Hispanic-American—whether you came here from Mexico to start a new life for your family or

Jan 30 2012

"Seriously, it is so freakin' weird. At first, you don't even think it's a potato, but after you look at it for a

Jan 27 2012

"I feel totally reinvigorated—this year I'm grabbing the bull by the horns and getting ready to die, first by

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