MILWAUKEE, WI—Expressing his deep and heartfelt regrets regarding how the incident has played out in the media, Milwaukee police officer Ian Feeny said Monday that he would never have killed an unarmed black man during a routine traffic stop if he had known that everyone would make such a big fuss about the incident.…

CHATHAM, MO—Concluding their investigation into the cop who fatally shot an unarmed black man during a September 2017 traffic stop, the Chatham Police Department announced Tuesday that Officer William Feldman would be let off with a promotion. “After a thorough examination of all the evidence, we’ve concluded that the…

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he would not have been able to shake the eagle-eyed clerks even if he had wanted to, local black man Mike Chambers confirmed Thursday he was pretty impressed by how attentively Walgreens employees were tailing him. “Usually when I’m in a store, the cashiers just watch me from a distance while…

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that it started with their grade school teachers calling them by countless other wrong names, local twins Aaron and Devon Thomas told reporters Wednesday they always get mistaken for random black people. “Strangers come up to us all the time, and even though we’re genetically identical in every…

PHILADELPHIA—In response to the abrupt cancellation of the hit series Roseanne the media watchdog group FactCheck.org blasted ABC Tuesday for its unrealistic portrayal of racists actually facing consequences for their actions. “This just does not represent how things actually work in America,” said spokesperson Rachel…

ITHACA, NY—A report published Monday by the Cornell University Department of Sociology revealed that all the other races are coming to take your stuff, and furthermore, they are coming soon. “Based on our research, Americans should know that every race outside of their own has been planning to take their stuff for a…

SACRAMENTO, CA—Claiming she had been keeping a cautious eye on him from the moment she sat down, local woman Rebecca Marinelli confirmed Thursday that she anxiously reached for her cell phone after a suspicious-looking black man told her the soup of the day was minestrone. “I just didn’t like the look of him, lurking…

NYERI, KENYA—Reacting to news that Starbucks will close more than 8,000 locations for a day to conduct anti-discrimination training, impoverished Kenyan bean picker Adamu Mwangi told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t wait to hear the international coffee giant’s perspectives on racial sensitivity. “I think this could…

NORRISTOWN, PA—Deciding his firstborn was old enough to learn about the cultural dangers of having things in his hands, African American dad Aaron Mitchell pulled his son aside Thursday to have “the talk” about holding literally any object. “Listen, son, it’s time you learned how to conduct yourself in public. It may…

BATON ROUGE, LA—Following the Louisiana Attorney General’s conclusion that the victim’s shooting death at the hands of police was justified, law enforcement officials questioned Tuesday why Alton Sterling had even been black in the first place. “The fact is that Mr. Sterling clearly knew exactly what he was doing when…

BALTIMORE—In response to a number of disturbing incidents occurring in the area, civil rights organization NAACP issued a travel advisory Thursday warning black Americans to exercise extreme caution when visiting their own backyards. “We urge African Americans to be very careful and vigilant when venturing out onto…

BURBANK, CA—In a revelation that many are saying will tarnish his widely celebrated legacy, sources confirmed Thursday that damning footage recently obtained from Warner Bros. Pictures shows stage and film star Al Jolson wearing blackface. “It’s unfortunate, given all his contributions to American popular music, but I…

Over the past few years, the white nationalist movement in the U.S. has seen the addition of more members and received significant media coverage. The Onion debunks some common myths about white supremacism in America.