‘He’s Not Right For You,’ Report Relationship Experts Who Must Not Want To See You Be Happy

STANFORD, CA—Based on a compilation of data revealing their jealousy and negativity loud and clear, relationship experts confirmed Tuesday that “He’s not right for you,” because they must not want to see you happy. “Our extensive study shows that you might be better off with someone else,” read a summary of the…

Man Doesn’t Get Why People Waste Money On Therapist When They Could Just Emotionally Crush Girlfriend

BOLINGBROOK, IL—Explaining that seeking professional psychological help was a big scam when there were better, cheaper alternatives, local man Justin Treanor told reporters Monday that he doesn’t understand why people waste money on a therapist when they could just emotionally crush their girlfriend. “A therapist can…

Praying Mantis Hesitantly Agrees To Try Girlfriend’s Sexual Fantasy Of Eating His Head During Intercourse

CODAJÁS, BRAZIL—Saying that he was willing to try anything once, a praying mantis in the Amazon rainforest hesitantly agreed to his girlfriend’s sexual fantasy of eating his head during sex, sources confirmed Thursday. “Honestly, I was a little wary when she first told me she was fantasizing about devouring my head,…

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