Couple Just Wants Small Ceremony In Public Park With Close Friends And Shirtless Stranger Hanging Around Tree

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—Speaking to reporters ahead of their planned June wedding, engaged couple Sarah Hargrove and Brian Neely confirmed Monday that all they wanted was a small ceremony at their local park surrounded by close friends and a shirtless stranger hanging around a tree. “When we envision our special day, we’re…

‘I’m Not Really Looking To Date Right Now,’ Says Man, As If He Not At Mercy Of Love’s Powerful, Mysterious Ways

NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that he had recently broken up with a longtime partner, local man Pete Kempton, 36, told reporters Monday that he was “not really looking to date right now,” conveying the misguided belief that he was somehow exempt from the all-powerful, mysterious whims of Eros. “It’s been five years since I was…

Girlfriend’s Birthday Weekend A Nightmarish, Labyrinthian Journey Through Her Darkest, Most Depraved Desires

NEW YORK—Describing the 72-hour gauntlet of meals, gifts, surprises, and social events as “spine-chilling,” exhausted local man Blake McNally told reporters Monday that his girlfriend’s birthday weekend had been a nightmarish labyrinth through her darkest and most depraved desires. “God, I thought we were done after…

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Prince Harry Engaged To Woman Who Will Never Love Him The Way 29-Year-Old Idahoan Graphic Designer Jennie Hoffman Does

LONDON—Missing out on a life of deep commitment from the only person who truly understands his heart, Prince Harry revealed Monday his engagement to a woman who will never love him the way 29-year-old Idaho resident and graphic designer Jennie Hoffman does. “We are delighted to announce the engagement and upcoming…