Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns
HOUSTON—In what they described as scriptural evidence of the right to bear arms, leading figures among the religious…
Catholic Church Brings In New Perspective On Solving Abuse Scandal With Appointment Of Toddler Bishop
VATICAN CITY—Hoping to gain new insights into the church’s sexual abuse problem by directly empowering those most…
So-Called ‘Atheist’ Doesn’t Even Barge Into Churches Screaming ‘You’re All Brainwashed Fools’
PROVIDENCE, RI—Casting serious doubt over his commitment, self-professed atheist Edward Horvath came under intense…
Pope Francis Offers Molested Kids 10% Off At Vatican City Gift Shop
VATICAN CITY—In a gesture of goodwill intended to show the Papacy’s support for victims, Pope Francis announced…
Pope Spends Afternoon Filling In Glory Holes All Over St. Peter’s Basilica
VATICAN CITY—In an attempt to repair the dozens of suspicious openings he had found drilled through the church’s thick…
Fringe Catholic Sect Doesn’t Tolerate Child Abuse
ST. LOUIS—Explaining that the offshoot group remained on the religion’s periphery due to their inflexible belief…
Christ Super Embarrassed About All That Stupid Shit He Said 2,000 Years Ago
THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He almost couldn’t bear to look at those old speeches from his Nazareth days, the Lord Jesus…
Study Finds Only 20% Of Seminary Graduates Go On To Become God
SOUTH BEND, IN—Noting that students felt increasingly ambivalent about assuming celestial roles, researchers at the…
Conservative Floridian Enjoys Living Under Sharia Law More Than He Thought He Would
MACCLENNY, FL—Calling its clearly laid out regulations “surprisingly refreshing,” conservative Floridian man Ernest…
Jesus Announces Plans To Return Once The Dow Clears 27,000
THE HEAVENS—Urging Christians nationwide to “Buy! Buy! Buy!” on Thursday, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of…
‘Take This Grape For It Is The Witch’s Eye, Take This Spaghetti For It Is The Witch’s Brain,’ Says Pope Francis During Halloween-Themed Communion
VATICAN CITY—Standing before his costumed congregants in St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis declared, “Take this grape…
Sunday School Teacher Can Already Tell Which Ones Going To Hell
LANGHORNE, PA—Saying that she could sense Satan within them the moment they walked through the door, Sunday school…
Casual Christian Accepts Christ As His Lord But Not His Savior
CALHOUN, GA—Admitting that he certainly likes the son of God but “doesn’t exactly love the guy, per se,” self-described…
Bhutanese Man Can’t Believe Pharmacy Already Stocking Stuff For Lhabab Duchen
THIMPHU, BHUTAN—Noting that the season seemed to come earlier and earlier every year, local Bhutanese man Sangay…
Catholic Church Releases New Molestation-Proof Altar Boy Uniform
VATICAN CITY—Claiming the vestments represent a vital step in ameliorating the church’s centuries-long history of…
Second Fatwa Issued On Salman Rushdie For Derivative, Uninspired 13th Novel
TEHRAN, IRAN—Expressing consternation and disgust at the Man Booker Prize winner’s latest offering, Ayatollah Ali…