VATICAN CITY—Following a Pennsylvania grand jury’s report on widespread sexual abuse of children by priests and a cover-up that spanned decades, the Vatican released a statement Friday saying “listen, no normal person is going to sign up to be a priest.” “Look, we ask an awful lot of ordained priests and make them…
JERUSALEM—Talking of the deep satisfaction they feel when slipping on a gilded robe and chilling out with devotees, world leaders from Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and every other major religion admitted Friday that they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast. “Yeah, what can I say? We just…
VATICAN CITY—An internal Catholic church report on the frequency of institutionalized sexual abuse of minors by authority figures revealed Wednesday that there is a high probability that Pope Francis has, in fact, molested at least one child. “Given what we are learning about the proportion of priests who have engaged…
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding further light on a long history of attempts to protect itself from accusations of criminal activity, biblical scholars at Harvard Divinity School reported Wednesday they have found evidence that the early Catholic church covered up for three wise men who molested baby Jesus. “After deciphering…
NEW YORK—Despite the years of effort and success in lower-level religious practice, a group of professional scouts told reporters Friday that they strongly doubt Tim Tebow will ever make it to heaven. “I know he’s put in a lot of prayers and missionary work, but when it comes to getting to heaven, Tebow just doesn’t…
VATICAN CITY—In a reversal of the Catholic Church’s longstanding doctrine, Pope Francis hastily condemned capital punishment Friday after Vatican police announced the discovery of significant new evidence related to a brutal 2014 stabbing death. “Capital punishment is an attack on the dignity of a person, and it is…
ATLANTA—Saying it would violate his deeply held religious beliefs, area pornographer Chet Kirkendall, a 57-year-old Christian who frequently films explicit amateur videos for his clients, confirmed Friday he had denied service to a gay male couple that wished to hire him to direct their sex tape. “I’ve been in this…
VATICAN CITY—In a historic admission of the Catholic Church’s complicated and often shameful history, Pope Francis admitted in an informal public statement Thursday that “like, 97 percent” of Catholic leadership are “probably burning in hell right now.” “Believe me, contemporary Catholics are quite familiar with our…
WASHINGTON—Standing firm in his commitment to one of the nation’s guiding principles, Attorney General Jeff Sessions went on record Wednesday vowing to protect the deeply held religious bigotry of all Americans. “Dating back to colonial times, America has been a place where individuals are free to live in accordance…
People have long been fascinated by cults, and by what possesses someone to join these tightly knit, secretive, and often violent social groups. The Onion looks back at the most infamous cults in history.
PATMOS, GREECE—In a stunning discovery that has Biblical scholars across the world racing for an interpretation, archaeologists from the University of Cambridge found a hitherto unseen passage from the Book of Revelation Thursday in which the prophet John of Patmos foresaw the “violent reign of the red-headed…
MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Racking his brain to recall the identity of the familiar face milling around the gathering, the Dalai Lama swore Monday that he recognized a guy at a neighborhood party from a past life. “Man, I’m almost positive I’ve seen that person before, but this was years ago—like, eight or nine lives, at…
THE COSMOS—Jumping into His primer-gray Chevy and booking it away from the sum totality of all existence, the Lord God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Out of Darkness, fled the Universe with $250 in cash, heavenly sources reported. “See you later, assholes!” said the Supreme Being,…
THE HEAVENS—Saying that being featured on the long-running game show was a dream come true, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Wednesday that He was incredibly humbled to be the answer to a Jeopardy question. “Obviously, when I separated the light from the darkness and created all things I wasn’t doing it…
THE HEAVENS—Saying that the incident had a profound effect on Him and that He hasn’t been the same since, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, recalled Thursday his life-changing encounter with an 8-year-old boy who had a near-death experience. “I was standing there one day in the brightness of Eternal Life when…
EARTH—Singling out you and you alone among the great many children of His wondrous and bountiful creation, God, the Giver of Life and Maker of the Universe, is speaking to you directly through this story’s headline, heavenly sources reported Thursday.
VATICAN CITY—In a charitable act he hoped would protect future pontiffs from suffering the same spiritual fate that he had endured, retired Pope Benedict XVI pledged his soul to the Vatican Friday for purposes of ecclesiastic research following his death. “As a former Bishop of Rome, my soul has been exposed to…
