MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Racking his brain to recall the identity of the familiar face milling around the gathering, the Dalai Lama swore Monday that he recognized a guy at a neighborhood party from a past life. “Man, I’m almost positive I’ve seen that person before, but this was years ago—like, eight or nine lives, at…
THE COSMOS—Jumping into His primer-gray Chevy and booking it away from the sum totality of all existence, the Lord God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Out of Darkness, fled the Universe with $250 in cash, heavenly sources reported. “See you later, assholes!” said the Supreme Being,…
THE HEAVENS—Saying that being featured on the long-running game show was a dream come true, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, confirmed Wednesday that He was incredibly humbled to be the answer to a Jeopardy question. “Obviously, when I separated the light from the darkness and created all things I wasn’t doing it…
THE HEAVENS—Saying that the incident had a profound effect on Him and that He hasn’t been the same since, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, recalled Thursday his life-changing encounter with an 8-year-old boy who had a near-death experience. “I was standing there one day in the brightness of Eternal Life when…
EARTH—Singling out you and you alone among the great many children of His wondrous and bountiful creation, God, the Giver of Life and Maker of the Universe, is speaking to you directly through this story’s headline, heavenly sources reported Thursday.
VATICAN CITY—In a charitable act he hoped would protect future pontiffs from suffering the same spiritual fate that he had endured, retired Pope Benedict XVI pledged his soul to the Vatican Friday for purposes of ecclesiastic research following his death. “As a former Bishop of Rome, my soul has been exposed to…
THE HEAVENS—Feeling unnerved after sensing a sudden movement in His peripheral vision, an increasingly jumpy God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly starting to worry Monday that Heaven may be haunted. “No, seriously, this is not okay—I’m really freaking the fuck out here,” said the Lord Almighty, adding that He was…
VATICAN CITY—In an effort to make the holiday as stress-free as possible for everyone, Pope Francis asked congregants gathered at St. Peter’s Basilica Thursday if it would be okay to just do a low-key Easter this year. “I know we usually get dressed up and make a big deal out of Easter, but wouldn’t it be nice if just…
VATICAN CITY—Claiming the religion was infringing upon His personality rights, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, sued the Catholic Church Friday for alleged unlicensed use of His image. “Today, I have filed a lawsuit against the Roman Catholic Church for its unlawful appropriation of my likeness in their branding…
OUTER DARKNESS, HELL—Becoming disoriented by the sight of a shrieking, many-headed snake emerging in agony from a nearby lava pit, Pope Francis reportedly found himself in the depths of Hell Friday after taking a wrong turn in the nigh-endless catacombs beneath the Vatican. “Ah, crap, not again,” said the Pope,…
SOUTH BEND, IN—Saying he felt a sinking feeling of remorse while scrolling through dozens of online search results about the subculture, Roman Catholic priest Father Tom Shamblin admitted Monday that he has come to deeply regret his vow of celibacy since finding out about furries. “I thought I understood what I was…
CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Staring in awe at the total goddamn renegade in the front pew, witnesses told reporters Sunday that badass churchgoer Frank Wittman knew the words without even having to glance at the hymnal. “When it comes to praising the Lord in song, Wittman’s fucking hardcore—head up, hands out like a boss,”…
THE HEAVENS—As he entered the Pearly Gates and walked the gold-paved streets of God’s Eternal Kingdom, the late Rev. Billy Graham was reportedly so overwhelmed Wednesday by the great majesty before him that he did not at first notice he had taken a turn leading him down the main thoroughfare of heaven’s largest gay…
THE HEAVENS—Acknowledging that He had been behaving recklessly that night, God, Our Holy Father, recalled Monday the speedboat accident in 1983 that originally sent Him to heaven. “The last thing I remember was tearing across Lake Winnepesaukah in a Jr. Executive 21 JRV with my buddy Dave and suddenly slamming right…
VATICAN CITY—Telling reporters that the former Boston archbishop had met the requirements for sainthood, the Roman Catholic Church announced Wednesday that Cardinal Bernard Law would be posthumously canonized following the miracle of escaping criminal prosecution. “After a thorough investigation by the Congregation…
THE HEAVENS—Saying He had been meaning to get some fresh ink for a while now, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly got a Celtic cross tattooed on His back, celestial sources said Thursday. “This design carries a lot of meaning for me, and I’m really glad I could get my upper back tattooed with it,” said the…
THE HEAVENS—Expressing disbelief of the fuss being made over the Middle Eastern city, our Lord and King of the Heavens, God, reportedly revealed Thursday that Jerusalem was actually only the 87th holiest site on Earth. “It’s not like Jerusalem isn’t sacred, but it’s way less holy than places like Lima, Peru or Cedar…
