Trump Wakes Up Covered In Dozens Of Small Cuts After Being Chased Through Dreams By Razor-Blade-Fingered Robert Mueller

WASHINGTON—Slowly coming to the realization that something was terribly wrong, President Trump reportedly awoke Friday to discover his entire body covered in dozens of small cuts after being chased through his dreams by a menacing Robert Mueller brandishing fingers covered in razor blades. “Oh, thank God. It was just…

‘The Investigation Ends Now,’ Growls Shadow Counsel Holding Mueller By Throat At Top Of Washington Monument

WASHINGTON—After brutally launching the head of the special counsel investigation into Russian election interference through every marble pillar of the Jefferson Memorial, the nefarious shadow special counsel held Robert Mueller by the throat at the top of the Washington monument Wednesday and hissed that “Your…

Mueller Immediately Regrets Coercing Michael Cohen To Flip On Trump After Having To Spend Time With Him

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it was probably the worst mistake he has made since starting the investigation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller told reporters Wednesday that he immediately regretted coercing Michael Cohen to flip on the president after having to spend time with him. “At first, I thought that getting Cohen to…

Distraught Mueller Burns Every Piece Of Evidence In Case After Hearing Trump’s Critique Of U.S. Intelligence Community

WASHINGTON—Tossing a lit match on the assemblage of kerosene-doused case files, transcripts, and seized hard drives, Special Counsel Robert Mueller burned every piece of evidence in his investigation into 2016 election interference Tuesday after hearing President Trump’s pointed critique of the U.S. intelligence…

Blood Drains From Mueller’s Face After Realizing Russia Investigation Might Go All The Way To White House

WASHINGTON—Realizing this thing might go a whole lot higher than anyone had imagined, Justice Department special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly grew pale Tuesday, the blood draining from his face, as he discovered his Russia investigation might lead all the way to the White House. “No, no, no, that can’t be right,…

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