OXFORD, MS—Sensing that their colleague had suddenly moved up in the world, break room sources at Randall Elementary School reported Wednesday that fifth-grade teacher Patricia Adams—who was earlier spotted with a new set of chalk holders—must have come into some money recently. “Damn, looks like Patty’s become…
OKLAHOMA CITY—Calling the demands to fully fund schools “a slap in the face” to the great men who built this country, Oklahoma state leaders denounced the ongoing teachers’ strike Tuesday for betraying the values upon which Abraham Lincoln and Orville Redenbacher founded America in 1914. “This goes against everything…
CASPER, WY—Saying she could hardly wait to see the looks on their faces as they finish the last few pages, fifth-grade teacher Melissa Botzki told reporters Wednesday she can already tell the kids in her class are about to go apeshit over the ending of Lois Lowry’s The Giver. “They have no idea what’s coming, and when…
Parent-teacher conferences can be a valuable way to foster a better learning environment for children both in and outside of the classroom. The Onion offers tips to both teachers and parents for making the most of this meeting.
WASHINGTON—Examining data obtained from thousands of reportedly lackluster rehearsals across the country, a new study released Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Education concluded that a mere 30 percent of students are adequately prepared for the spring musical. “Our analysis found that, with tech week right around…
ATHENS, OH—Acknowledging that the Ohio school district’s threadbare budget prevented him from purchasing more up-to-date equipment, local math teacher Kurt Hyde confirmed Tuesday that he was forced to make do with centuries-old firearms. “The students here really deserve better than a bunch of muzzle-loaded long guns…
CHAMBERSBURG, PA—As the national debate surrounding school shootings continues with President Trump recently suggesting educators carry guns in the classroom, high school English teacher Mary Bacher told reporters Thursday that she was already armed with a deadly weapon called Shakespeare. “There’s nothing more lethal…
PHOENIX—Casting aside any semblance of social decorum and human dignity, fifth grader Evelyn Gasper brutally impaled a stack of loose-leaf paper onto the rings of her binder Monday without hesitating for even a second to request access to the three-hole punch, sources at Peabody Elementary School confirmed. “My god,…
AUSTIN, TX—In a landmark overhaul of traditional curriculum standards, the Texas State Board of Education voted Tuesday in favor of a legislative recommendation that public high schools no longer require teachers to include autoerotic asphyxiation in their health education curriculum. “We stand firm in our belief that…
WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide students with at least a modicum of supervision in the afternoon, the Department of Education on Monday announced a new nationwide after-school program specifically aimed at keeping children off the streets for an additional 45 minutes. “This initiative will offer a safe environment…
GREENSBURG, KS—Picking up immediately on the students’ lack of confidence and low morale, fourth grade substitute teacher Jeff Moransky told reporters Monday that he could tell he was filling in for a real asshole. “As soon as I walked into the room, they all scrambled to their seats and sat in silence with their eyes…
WASHINGTON—In a study confirming much of the existing research on the destructive and often deadly incidents, the Department of Education reported Thursday that public humiliation of unpopular students remains the leading cause of telekinetic violence in U.S. high schools. “Our data indicate that a friendless student…
While some argue that school uniforms eliminate distractions and help students focus on learning, others believe that a strict dress code stifles students’ self-expression. The Onion breaks down the arguments for and against school uniforms.
SARATOGA, CA—Saying she could have predicted every single thing they discussed, area mother Andrea Hopkins confirmed on Wednesday that the negative parent-teacher conference she had for her third-grade son Nate was not exactly eye-opening. “Oh, so you’re saying he’s fidgety and doesn’t get along well with…
ERIE, PA—Saying the cost-cutting measure was vital to ensure its continued operation, the cash-strapped Erie School District announced Thursday that it had furloughed hundreds of nonessential children. “Until the district’s fiscal health has improved, we have no choice but to put 800 of our least necessary children on…
As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.
With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.
