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Report: Publicly Humiliating Unpopular Student Still Leading Cause Of Telekinetic Violence In U.S. High Schools

WASHINGTON—In a study confirming much of the existing research on the destructive and often deadly incidents, the Department of Education reported Thursday that public humiliation of unpopular students remains the leading cause of telekinetic violence in U.S. high schools. “Our data indicate that a friendless student…

Fourth-Grade Teacher Receives Dark Portent Of Coming Storm From Gnarled, Haggard Third-Grade Teacher

WAVERLY, NE—Listening as the haggard messenger spoke of ominous clouds upon the horizon, local fourth-grade teacher Myra Helms received a dark portent of a gathering storm from pale and bedraggled third-grade teacher Beverly Milfay, sources confirmed Thursday. “Hearken to my words! The unspeakable malevolence that…

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

EDMOND, OK—With only a handful of desktop icons and a grainy image of a man in a suit to go by, students in Mrs. Patchke’s seventh-grade biology class scrambled to piece together their teacher’s home life before her PowerPoint presentation opened and covered the screen, sources reported Thursday. “Whoa! Okay, that had…

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