Stephen Hawking Warns About Dangers Of AI As Motorized Wheelchair Drives Toward Lake
Hubble Telescope Desperately Struggling To Contact NASA After Witnessing Murder On Ganymede
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Inadvertently observing the gruesome act through its near-infrared camera, the Hubble Space Telescope reportedly struggled to reach NASA on Tuesday after witnessing what appeared to be a murder on Jupiter’s largest moon, Ganymede. Frightened and unable to leave the confinement of its geostationary…
Geologists Say Continents May Have Drifted Apart After Emotional Falling-Out
TUCSON, AZ—Saying that a tectonic shift in the landmasses’ relationship was the likeliest source, geologists at the University of Arizona told reporters Monday that the continents may have drifted apart after an emotional falling-out. “It appears from the geologic record that the continents separated after an…
Report: 98% Of BattleBots Suffer Debilitating CPU Injuries
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming their long-held theories on the dangers of the sport, a startling new study released Thursday by researchers at MIT shows that as many as 98 percent of BattleBots suffer from debilitating CPU injuries. “Our data show that nearly all robot competitors who are slammed, thrown, and flipped during…
New Evidence Reveals Pythagoras Wrote Dozens Of Unhinged Conspiracy Theorems About Triangles
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A trove of recently unearthed documents dating back to the sixth century B.C. has revealed that the ancient Greek philosopher and mathematician Pythagoras wrote dozens of elaborate, unhinged conspiracy theorems pertaining to triangles, researchers announced Wednesday.
The Pros And Cons Of Gene Editing
Recent advancements in gene editing have introduced a number of exciting possibilities for human advancement and raised difficult ethical questions. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of gene editing.
NASA Announces Selection Of Two Hot, Ripped Astronauts For Man-On-Man Mission To Mars
HOUSTON—After an exhaustive 18-month evaluation process in which an applicant pool of hundreds was narrowed down to the two very buffest candidates, NASA announced Friday that it had chosen a pair of hot, ripped astronauts to take part in the first-ever man-on-man mission to Mars.
Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation
BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation. “We will be able to use this considerable bequest of particles for…
CERN Researchers Apologize For Destruction Of 5 Parallel Universes In Recent Experiment
GENEVA—Expressing deep regret over the catastrophic incident that occurred within the Large Hadron Collider, officials from the European Organization for Nuclear Research, also known as CERN, held a press conference Monday to apologize for the destruction of five parallel universes in a recent experiment. “We are…
New Report Finds Americans Most Interested In Science When Moon Looks Different Than Usual
ARLINGTON, VA—Explaining that readership of science-related articles and discussion of scientific concepts tends to surge at such times, a report released Thursday by the National Science Foundation confirmed that Americans are most interested in science when the moon looks different than normal. “According to our…
How Clinical Trials Work
Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process:
Accidentally Closing Browser Window With 23 Tabs Open Presents Rare Chance At New Life
BROOKLYN, NY—Staring in trembling awe at her suddenly blank desktop, local woman Chelsea Greene was reportedly presented a rare chance at a new life Tuesday after accidentally closing her browser window with 23 open tabs. “Oh, my God. I’m free,” said a stunned and wide-eyed Greene, fully realizing that the abrupt…
Psychologists Say It Perfectly Natural To Fantasize About Sandwiches Other Than One Currently In Hand
BOULDER, CO—Saying such feelings of desire were observed in nearly every individual they studied, psychologists from the University of Colorado released a report Thursday concluding that it is perfectly natural for people to fantasize about sandwiches other than the one presently in their hands.
Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid
MILFORD, CT—Announcing the creation of a genetically viable new menu item they said could soon appear in franchises nationwide, researchers with Subway’s sandwich breeding program revealed Thursday they had successfully developed a Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara hybrid.
Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach
DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach. “We used a combination of selective breeding and genetic modification…
James Dyson Meets In Secret With Alien Ambassador To Receive Technology For New Hand Dryer
TUCUMCARI, NM—Greeting the extraterrestrial diplomat at their usual rendezvous point atop an isolated mesa in the High Plains of eastern New Mexico, Dyson Ltd CEO James Dyson reportedly met in secret with an alien ambassador from the Zartrepylon star system to receive the latest technology for a new hand dryer…
SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars
SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:
The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars
The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars:
