Hubble Telescope Desperately Struggling To Contact NASA After Witnessing Murder On Ganymede
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Inadvertently observing the gruesome act through its near-infrared camera, the Hubble Space Telescope…
Geologists Say Continents May Have Drifted Apart After Emotional Falling-Out
TUCSON, AZ—Saying that a tectonic shift in the landmasses’ relationship was the likeliest source, geologists at the…
Report: 98% Of BattleBots Suffer Debilitating CPU Injuries
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming their long-held theories on the dangers of the sport, a startling new study released Thursday…
New Evidence Reveals Pythagoras Wrote Dozens Of Unhinged Conspiracy Theorems About Triangles
CAMBRIDGE, MA—A trove of recently unearthed documents dating back to the sixth century B.C. has revealed that the…
The Pros And Cons Of Gene Editing
Recent advancements in gene editing have introduced a number of exciting possibilities for human advancement and raised…
NASA Announces Selection Of Two Hot, Ripped Astronauts For Man-On-Man Mission To Mars
HOUSTON—After an exhaustive 18-month evaluation process in which an applicant pool of hundreds was narrowed down to the…
Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation
BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at…
CERN Researchers Apologize For Destruction Of 5 Parallel Universes In Recent Experiment
GENEVA—Expressing deep regret over the catastrophic incident that occurred within the Large Hadron Collider, officials…
New Report Finds Americans Most Interested In Science When Moon Looks Different Than Usual
ARLINGTON, VA—Explaining that readership of science-related articles and discussion of scientific concepts tends to…
How Clinical Trials Work
Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion…
Accidentally Closing Browser Window With 23 Tabs Open Presents Rare Chance At New Life
BROOKLYN, NY—Staring in trembling awe at her suddenly blank desktop, local woman Chelsea Greene was reportedly…
Psychologists Say It Perfectly Natural To Fantasize About Sandwiches Other Than One Currently In Hand
BOULDER, CO—Saying such feelings of desire were observed in nearly every individual they studied, psychologists from…
Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid
MILFORD, CT—Announcing the creation of a genetically viable new menu item they said could soon appear in franchises…
Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach
DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties,…
James Dyson Meets In Secret With Alien Ambassador To Receive Technology For New Hand Dryer
TUCUMCARI, NM—Greeting the extraterrestrial diplomat at their usual rendezvous point atop an isolated mesa in the High…
SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars
SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a…
The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars
The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars: