Scott Pruitt Claims Misappropriated EPA Funds Would Have Only Been Wasted On Dumb Shit Like Clean Water

WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that he has repeatedly spent money intended for agency use on personal items, lavish travel, and other unnecessary expenditures, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly claimed Wednesday that the funds he has misappropriated would have only been wasted…

Dirty, Disheveled Scott Pruitt Confesses He Spent Last Of EPA Funding Weeks Ago

WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth in his chair and openly weeping, a dirty, disheveled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt confessed during testimony before the House Appropriations committee Thursday that he had spent the last of his department’s funding weeks ago. “It’s gone, all gone, every penny of it—poof, just like…

EPA Rolls Back Emissions Standards To Increase Consumer Choice Over Type Of Apocalyptic Hellscape Earth Will Become

WASHINGTON—In an effort to guarantee Americans the freedom to pick whichever mode of rapid ecological decay they desire, the Environmental Protection Agency rolled back federal emissions standards Friday to provide consumers with a broader choice over the type of apocalyptic hellscape Earth will inevitably become.…

Scott Pruitt Orders EPA Employees To Stay In Office Over Weekend While It’s Being Fumigated

WASHINGTON—In a high-priority email sent to the entire staff, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt ordered all employees Friday to stay in the office over the weekend while it’s being fumigated. “This communication is to inform you that workers will be spraying down the office with fumigants this…

Scott Pruitt Nervously Picks Up Walking Pace As Hundreds Of Whooping Cranes Begin Silently Perching Around Him

WASHINGTON—Realizing with a shudder that he was being watched, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly picked up his pace while walking home Tuesday as hundreds of whooping cranes began silently perching around him. “Stay calm, Scott, they’re just birds,” said Pruitt, fumbling for his…