ATLANTA—In an effort to introduce the subject in a fun and kid-friendly way, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday the launch of its new “Raw Dog the STI Pup” campaign, which warns young children about the dangers of unprotected sex.
TULSA, OK—Saying that the admission represented a momentous new step in their relationship, advertising salesman Vince Fergus, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his “kinky” girlfriend had expressed interest in experiencing sexual pleasure later tonight. “I mean, I guess I’m game for whatever, but I just never thought of…
MEDINA, WA—Explaining that not a single one has ever been able to contain his “monster hog,” billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates reportedly offered $1 million Wednesday to any person who designs a condom he can’t break. “While I wish all who enter good luck, I should warn you that the most gifted minds have…
DAVENPORT, IA—Musing philosophically on the deeply pleasurable possibilities, local man and potential electronic voyeur Tanner Mitchell, 27, wondered Tuesday whether there existed some form of website featuring footage of live sexual acts that interested parties might view for the purposes of self-gratification. “It…
KILLEEN, TX—In a singular and anomalous break in his lifelong absence from the wandering thoughts of humanity at large, systems analyst Steven Laposata, 34, was momentarily fantasized about for a period of roughly 15 seconds late Monday. Daydream sources confirmed that Laposata’s coworker and remote acquaintance…
BOCA RATON, FL—Deciding it was about time they had “the talk,” local father Timothy Bennet pulled his 13-year-old son Eric aside Monday to explain how sex with his mom works. “Listen, son, you’re getting old enough to learn about the facts of my life with your mom, and I don’t want you hearing this from someone else…
ATLANTA—Saying it would violate his deeply held religious beliefs, area pornographer Chet Kirkendall, a 57-year-old Christian who frequently films explicit amateur videos for his clients, confirmed Friday he had denied service to a gay male couple that wished to hire him to direct their sex tape. “I’ve been in this…
WASHINGTON—Saying that their investigation indicated her involvement in election interference went deeper than previously believed, the FBI revealed Thursday that Russian agent Maria Butina traded sex in exchange for all 62,984,828 votes Donald Trump received for president in 2016. “Our inquiry into Ms. Butina…
DEARBORN, MI—Saying their best-selling line of full-sized trucks will now have greater appeal to those Americans who enjoy fucking like rabbits in fairgrounds, parking lots, drained quarries, or lake house driveways, Ford has revealed that the new 2019 F-150 will feature an extendable, hydroformed aluminum tailgate…
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A study published Friday by Rutgers University’s Center for Media Studies confirmed that “missionary” and “in love” are the two most popular pornography search terms on the internet. “An extensive five-year analysis of thousands of porn engines across the web revealed that 87 percent of sought-after…
SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Unable to help themselves from eavesdropping on the interaction going on in the romantic corner behind them, diners at the Boca Bistro told reporters Monday that the couple fucking at the next table was obviously on their third date. “From the number of excuse-me’s and little exclamations of…
WASHINGTON—Fervently proclaiming that he was actually the one responsible for the scandal involving the adult film actress, Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue reportedly stated Thursday, in a desperate attempt to serve as President Trump’s fall guy, that he was the one who slept with Stormy Daniels. “It was me—I…
BALTIMORE—In an announcement that sheds new light on the history of an apparatus traditionally regarded as execution equipment, researchers at Johns Hopkins University presented new evidence Tuesday suggesting the first gallows were created as an early aid to autoerotic asphyxiation. “Our findings indicate that the…
ATLANTA—Frustrated that the video froze right as the chef started stirring in the poblano peppers, local mom Debbie Swanson reportedly had to stop masturbating Wednesday while she tried to get a Bobby Flay southwestern eggs demo to stop buffering. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, I’m so close! C’mon, just load already!” said…
DURAND, MN—Guests in the home of local couple Steve and Pamela Baker were taken aback Sunday after being confronted with the sight of the large mirror mounted on the libertine kink-lovers’ bathroom wall. “I suspected those two were adventurous, but wow, I did not expect they’d rig a mirror for watching themselves…
LOS ANGELES—Fearing that such a revelation might derail an otherwise promising relationship, actor Leonardo DiCaprio reported feeling nervous Tuesday about the inevitable moment when he would have to tell his new girlfriend that he is still a virgin. “I hope she doesn’t look at me differently when she finds out I’ve…
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Feeling anxious about broaching the subject with her strict, conservative family, local teenager Brynna Kessell confirmed Tuesday that she was unsure how to break it to her parents that the devil had recently gotten her pregnant. “When they find out that I’ve been carrying Satan’s spawn, they’re…
SOUTH BEND, IN—Saying he felt a sinking feeling of remorse while scrolling through dozens of online search results about the subculture, Roman Catholic priest Father Tom Shamblin admitted Monday that he has come to deeply regret his vow of celibacy since finding out about furries. “I thought I understood what I was…
BETHESDA, MD— Admitting they were unable to recall a survey even remotely so one-sided, researchers from the National Institutes of Health released comprehensive data Wednesday affirming that the practice of genital stimulation continues to enjoy almost universal popularity. “We can say, with absolute confidence, that…
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