WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending the Supreme Court nominee against recent allegations of sexual assault, GOP officials declared Wednesday that Brett Kavanaugh shouldn’t be held accountable for something he did as a white teenager. “We’re talking about something that occurred when Mr. Kavanaugh was a mere 17-year-old…

NEW YORK—In an effort to mentor their next generation of corporate talent, CBS representatives announced Monday that the company would be retaining the services of former CEO Les Moonves in a smaller sexual-predator-at-large role. “We want to provide Les with a certain amount of freedom so he can just harass on his…

KUTZTOWN, PA—Expressing their confusion and anger over today’s ever-changing social mores, the nation’s self-described “frustrated ordinary men” demanded Tuesday that someone tell them exactly which area on a woman’s breasts it was still acceptable to just walk up and touch. “We can’t keep track of every time some…

Recently, several accusations have been made against me—eight women have come forward to claim I made inappropriate advances while working with them at CBS. I realize that my behavior may have resulted in some discomfort, but lost in the rush to judgment are important details about the context in which these…

NEW YORK—As part of a preview of the network’s fall slate of shows, CBS revealed Monday that season 12 of the long-running sitcom The Big Bang Theory will explore why Sheldon Cooper keeps his job after sexually harassing six research assistants. “The story arc, which spans the entire season, shows that while there…

DAVENPORT, IA—Acknowledging that his purely romantic intentions could easily be misunderstood, potential suitor James Gerretson said Tuesday he was unsure how to display his penis to the woman he liked without coming off as a creep. “The beginning of any relationship is a delicate time, so instead of risking a clumsy…

AUSTIN, TX—In the wake of allegations of sexual misconduct by two former employees at his site, InfoWars, a frothing, red-faced Alex Jones repeatedly claimed that sexual harassment was part of a worldwide imbalance in gender power dynamics. “Sexual harassment is just one aspect of a larger system, extending to every…

PHILADELPHIA—Saying the discovery shed new light on the father of our country, a team of University of Pennsylvania archivists announced Monday that new evidence suggests George Washington sent a woodcut of his penis to his secretary. “After uncovering a well-preserved, remarkably graphic woodcut dating from the…

MEMPHIS, TN—Noticing a marked difference in the way he conducts himself in the workplace, sources reported Monday that local boss Eric Reinhardt’s sexual harassment has been a lot more cautious lately. “It definitely seems like he’s been far more careful with all of his inappropriate sexual behavior around the…

NEW YORK—After a fourth woman stepped forward alleging that the journalist had engaged her in a respectful and entirely aboveboard romantic encounter, CNN announced Thursday that it would be launching a full investigation into reports of Wolf Blitzer’s highly proper sexual conduct. “I assure you that we are taking…

WASHINGTON—In response to the 15 individuals who have come forward alleging sexual misconduct by the president, Donald Trump reportedly dismissed his accusers Tuesday as women. “Anyone can see that these disgraceful and false allegations are clearly coming from total, utter women,” said Trump, adding that those…

WASHINGTON—Saying he could no longer joke effectively in the Senate, Congressman Al Franken announced Thursday that he was resigning from office, telling colleagues, “I’m deeply sorry for my hilarious actions.” “The things I did, while extremely funny, were also inappropriate and I sincerely apologize for the pain…

LONDON—Pushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader of the Droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct. “In an unfortunate development, we have been forced to remove Mr. DeLarge from his post due to the startling accusations of sexual impropriety that…

BROOKLYN, NY—In the wake of a sexual misconduct allegation that led to the firing of the longtime Today cohost, local woman Meredith Duncan on Wednesday was reportedly quietly satisfied to have concrete evidence backing up her years-long hatred of Matt Lauer. “I’ve despised that man for going on two decades, and now I…