Tom Brokaw Touched So Many Women Would Go Out Of Their Way To Defend Filthy Old Pervert Like Himself
Man Unsure How To Expose Self To Woman He Likes Without Coming Off As A Creep
DAVENPORT, IA—Acknowledging that his purely romantic intentions could easily be misunderstood, potential suitor James Gerretson said Tuesday he was unsure how to display his penis to the woman he liked without coming off as a creep. “The beginning of any relationship is a delicate time, so instead of risking a clumsy…
Frothing Alex Jones Claims Sexual Harassment Part Of Worldwide Imbalance In Gender Power Dynamics
AUSTIN, TX—In the wake of allegations of sexual misconduct by two former employees at his site, InfoWars, a frothing, red-faced Alex Jones repeatedly claimed that sexual harassment was part of a worldwide imbalance in gender power dynamics. “Sexual harassment is just one aspect of a larger system, extending to every…
New Evidence Suggests President George Washington Sent Woodcut Of Penis To Secretary
PHILADELPHIA—Saying the discovery shed new light on the father of our country, a team of University of Pennsylvania archivists announced Monday that new evidence suggests George Washington sent a woodcut of his penis to his secretary. “After uncovering a well-preserved, remarkably graphic woodcut dating from the…
Boss’s Sexual Harassment A Lot More Cautious Lately
MEMPHIS, TN—Noticing a marked difference in the way he conducts himself in the workplace, sources reported Monday that local boss Eric Reinhardt’s sexual harassment has been a lot more cautious lately. “It definitely seems like he’s been far more careful with all of his inappropriate sexual behavior around the…
CNN Investigating Reports Of Wolf Blitzer’s Highly Proper Sexual Conduct
NEW YORK—After a fourth woman stepped forward alleging that the journalist had engaged her in a respectful and entirely aboveboard romantic encounter, CNN announced Thursday that it would be launching a full investigation into reports of Wolf Blitzer’s highly proper sexual conduct. “I assure you that we are taking…
Trump Dismisses Accusers As Women
WASHINGTON—In response to the 15 individuals who have come forward alleging sexual misconduct by the president, Donald Trump reportedly dismissed his accusers Tuesday as women. “Anyone can see that these disgraceful and false allegations are clearly coming from total, utter women,” said Trump, adding that those…
Al Franken: ‘I’m Deeply Sorry For My Hilarious Actions’
WASHINGTON—Saying he could no longer joke effectively in the Senate, Congressman Al Franken announced Thursday that he was resigning from office, telling colleagues, “I’m deeply sorry for my hilarious actions.” “The things I did, while extremely funny, were also inappropriate and I sincerely apologize for the pain…
Alex DeLarge Forced To Step Down As Leader Of Droogs Amidst Allegations Of Sexual Misconduct
LONDON—Pushed out of power as the damning charges mounted, Alex DeLarge was forced to step down Wednesday as leader of the Droogs amidst allegations of sexual misconduct. “In an unfortunate development, we have been forced to remove Mr. DeLarge from his post due to the startling accusations of sexual impropriety that…
Area Woman Quietly Satisfied To Have Concrete Evidence Backing Up Years-Long Hatred Of Matt Lauer
BROOKLYN, NY—In the wake of a sexual misconduct allegation that led to the firing of the longtime Today cohost, local woman Meredith Duncan on Wednesday was reportedly quietly satisfied to have concrete evidence backing up her years-long hatred of Matt Lauer. “I’ve despised that man for going on two decades, and now I…
Al Franken Tearfully Announces Intention To Step Down From Role As Harasser Of Women
WASHINGTON—Amid mounting sexual misconduct allegations against the Minnesota senator, Al Franken tearfully announced to reporters Tuesday his intention to step down from his role as a harasser of women. “I’ve discussed it with my family and, sadly, I’ve come to the conclusion that the best course of action is for me…
Comedy Cellar Holds Night For Male Comedians To Workshop Sexual Harassment Apologies
NEW YORK—Describing it as an opportunity for the comics to try out their new material, the Comedy Cellar on Monday reportedly launched a new live show for male comedians to workshop their sexual harassment apologies. “Our new show offers a dozen comics—from young up-and-comers to seasoned professionals—a chance to try…
Charlie Rose Presses Self About Sexual Harassment Allegations In Tense Charlie Rose Interview
NEW YORK—Refusing to back down from the subject during their often contentious exchange, talk show host Charlie Rose reportedly pressed himself about the recent sexual harassment allegations against him in a tense Charlie Rose interview on Tuesday. “Eight women who either worked with you or aspired to work with you…
Congressman Checks In Real Quick With Ethics Office To Make Sure Pressing Exposed Penis Against Intern Doesn’t Constitute Sexual Harassment
WASHINGTON—Acknowledging in advance that it was probably a silly question, Virginia congressman John Whitlock reportedly checked in real quick Friday with the Office of Congressional Ethics to make sure pressing his exposed penis against an intern doesn’t constitute sexual harassment. “Sorry if it’s the most obvious…
Paul Ryan Announces New Congress Sexual Harassment Training Will Create Safe Work Atmosphere, Plausible Deniability
WASHINGTON—Following testimony by female lawmakers alleging widespread sexual misconduct throughout Capitol Hill, Paul Ryan announced Thursday that Congress will undergo new sexual harassment training to create a safe work environment and plausible deniability. “This comprehensive three-hour course is designed to…
