‘Men Are Not Oppressed,’ Says Woman Who Has No Idea What It Like To Take Two Whole Escalators To Get To Your Clothing Section At Zara

CHICAGO—Broadcasting her privilege and her ignorance loud and clear, feminist and mother of two Andrea Chambers, 34, who has no idea what it’s like to take two separate escalators just to get to your clothing section at Zara and of course never will, said Tuesday that “Men are not oppressed” during a heated…

Report: More Americans Forced To Sell Gold Pocket Watch In Order To Afford Set Of Fine Combs For Wife

NEW YORK—Citing the limited household budgets of many young married couples, a new report published Friday estimates that more Americans than ever this Christmas will be forced to sell a gold watch inherited from their father in order to buy a set of fine combs for their wife’s beautiful hair. “Wages have remained…

‘Without Them You Could Buy Anything,’ Whispers Amazon Echo As Man Stares Blankly At Family

FEDERAL WAY, WA—Standing stock-still as he listened intently to what the device was telling him, local man Adam Kernan reportedly stared blankly at his family Thursday as his Amazon Echo whispered “without them, you could buy anything.” “They’re holding you back—think about what you could purchase for yourself if only…

Target ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ Aisle Being Browsed Exclusively By 30-Year-Old Men With Studio Apartments

SAN JOSE, CA—Searching for affordable items to furnish their modest single-room dwellings, the ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ aisle at a local Target was reportedly being browsed Monday exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments. According to sources, the customers perusing the shelves for stackable storage…

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