Researchers Find Decline In Facebook Use Could Be Directly Linked To Desire To Be Happy, Fully Functioning Person

BERKELEY, CA—Researchers at University of California-Berkeley discovered Friday that a reduction in Facebook use could be directly linked to one’s desire to be a happy and fully functioning person. “Our data indicate that there may, in fact, be a relationship between yearning to be a self-realized human who enjoys…

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Online Activists Unsure About Offensiveness Of Article, Figure They’ll Destroy Author’s Life Just In Case

SEATTLE—Figuring it was the best way to hedge their bets, online activists reportedly unsure about the offensiveness of an article Wednesday figured they’d destroy the author’s life just in case. “Reading this piece, there are quite a few challenging viewpoints that I haven’t quite thought through, but it’s probably…

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YouTuber Wastes 2 Whole Minutes Explaining How To Prep A Deck For Sealant As If Viewer Total Moron

MIDLOTHIAN, VA—According to sources who weren’t born yesterday, home-improvement YouTuber Dale Hiseman reportedly wasted two whole minutes Wednesday explaining how to prep a deck for sealant as if viewer Anthony Cametti were a total moron. “Jeez, I’m not some goob who’s never weather-proofed a patio before—of course I…