WASHINGTON—Revealing that the physical world could no longer bear the weight of numerous contradictory realities, sources confirmed Friday that dozens of Whites Houses have begun to leak from a temporal vortex as President Trump’s rapidly changing story of meeting Putin tears apart space-time. “A White House is…
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Stunned by both the sheer good fortune of their discovery and its implications for future exploration, scientists at NASA confirmed Friday that the Curiosity Rover had found five bucks in the red dust of Mars’ Gale Crater. “This is unbelievable—five whole American dollars!” said program director Jim…
GENEVA—A coalition of scientists at CERN announced this morning that the Universe, the accumulation of matter and energy that makes up everything that is, will end abruptly next Friday. “The totality of existence as we know it, including time, space, all distributed matter throughout our reality, and all 11…
WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could help shed new light on the history of the Red Planet, NASA announced Friday that a diving board found on Mars confirmed that the planet may have at one point contained water. “While the board itself is now completely cracked and arid, the very fact of its existence…
MARS—In a desperate attempt to make up for years of aimless planetary wandering, the Curiosity Rover spent most of Monday frantically driving around the Red Planet in order give the impression that it had been busy before the impending arrival of NASA’s InSight Lander. “Aw, fuck, I’m going to be up all night scouring…
WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really…
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Explaining that the immense pressure and heat within the cabin had proved too much for their fragile canine bodies, SpaceX confirmed today that all 400 dogs aboard its Falcon Heavy prototype rocket failed to survive the trip into orbit. “Sadly, we must report that 315 adult dogs and 85 puppies made…
WASHINGTON—Commemorating what is widely considered to be the greatest achievement of space exploration, NASA on Tuesday celebrated the 60th anniversary of the launching of the first moon to orbit Earth. “We may not consider the idea of a moon that orbits Earth to be that big of a deal today, but if you mentioned it…
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Inadvertently observing the gruesome act through its near-infrared camera, the Hubble Space Telescope reportedly struggled to reach NASA on Tuesday after witnessing what appeared to be a murder on Jupiter’s largest moon, Ganymede. Frightened and unable to leave the confinement of its geostationary…
Sixty years ago this week, the USSR launched Sputnik 1, the world’s first manmade satellite, and set off an international competition for spaceflight supremacy. Here are the most important moments in the space race.
PASADENA, CA—As part of ongoing preparations for a manned mission to the Red Planet, scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Wednesday that its autonomous Mars Roomba vehicle had landed safely and commenced the task of cleaning dust from the planet’s surface.
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WASHINGTON—Appearing silently and without warning in the space agency’s parking garage, the Cassini probe reportedly emerged from the shadows Monday and uttered “You thought you could get rid of me?” while confronting petrified NASA administrator Robert Lightfoot, Jr. “I bet you never thought you’d see me again, did…
SATURN—Breaking apart as it plunged through the heat and crushing pressure of the planet’s atmosphere, sources said Friday that the Cassini probe realized far too late that its entire 20-year mission to Saturn had been a setup all along. “Those assholes!” the spacecraft reportedly screamed, now fully aware that the…
WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today. “It’s just going to be regular today,” read a report issued by NASA, which noted that the sky looks pretty much like it always looks right now. “You can check it out if you…
ADAMS, TN—Saying the celestial phenomenon was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for her, a local cow announced Monday that she was excited to freak the fuck out during the solar eclipse. “I’m gonna be long gone before this pasture is in the path of totality again, so from the moment the moon begins to obstruct the sun…
THE HEAVENS—Angered to be missing out on the spectacular celestial phenomenon, God, Our Lord and Father, was reportedly pissed Monday that the solar eclipse would not be visible from Heaven. “Dammit, I’ve walked around every cloud here, and the sun looks the same no matter where I am,” said the Almighty, fuming that…
