HOUSTON, TXâPredicting that the upcoming lunar looks would delight stargazers all over the world, astronomers confirmed Friday that the moon will have dozens of new phases in 2019. âWe are excited to announce that as of next year, the moon will add several new and exciting shapes to its usual crescent-shaped phases,ââŚ
SATELLITE BEACH, FLâReferring to the Apollo 11 spaceflight and lunar landing as a âwalk in the park,â astronaut Buzz Aldrin recalled Friday the relative ease with which he and fellow astronauts Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins reached the moon during heir 1969 mission. âWe wore special suits and so on, as Iâm sureâŚ
President Trump is apparently moving forward on his controversial proposal to create a space force as the sixth branch of the U.S. military, with members of his administration beginning to discuss how it would function. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of developing a space force.
WASHINGTONâAdmitting that a second-hand retelling would not do their findings justice, NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that they had made a life-changing discovery, but you kind of had to be there. âThese results revolutionize our very understanding of subatomic particlesâman, I wish I could even explain, however,âŚ
WASHINGTONâFeigning polite interest throughout the 90-minute meeting, Pentagon officials from all five branches of the armed forces listened in silence Thursday as Mike Pence presented his detailed plans for a state-of-the-art angel-guided weapons system. âThough we are grateful for the vice presidentâs interest inâŚ
NEW YORKâSlamming the pixelated video as âludicrousâ and having no basis in real-life physics, astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson released a statement Wednesday debunking Yankee Stadiumâs home run animation depicting a baseball being launched into Earthâs stratosphere. âFirst of all, absolutely no amount of humanâŚ
PARISâShortly following a transmission sent by the Mars Express spacecraft verifying that its instruments had detected a subglacial lake a mile below the planetâs surface, the European Space Agency confirmed Thursday that the orbiterâs surface-penetrating radar had disturbed the eternal and unspeakable dreaming of anâŚ
WASHINGTONâRevealing that the physical world could no longer bear the weight of numerous contradictory realities, sources confirmed Friday that dozens of Whites Houses have begun to leak from a temporal vortex as President Trumpâs rapidly changing story of meeting Putin tears apart space-time. âA White House isâŚ
CAPE CANAVERAL, FLâStunned by both the sheer good fortune of their discovery and its implications for future exploration, scientists at NASA confirmed Friday that the Curiosity Rover had found five bucks in the red dust of Marsâ Gale Crater. âThis is unbelievableâfive whole American dollars!â said program director JimâŚ
GENEVAâA coalition of scientists at CERN announced this morning that the Universe, the accumulation of matter and energy that makes up everything that is, will end abruptly next Friday. âThe totality of existence as we know it, including time, space, all distributed matter throughout our reality, and all 11âŚ
WASHINGTONâSaying the groundbreaking discovery could help shed new light on the history of the Red Planet, NASA announced Friday that a diving board found on Mars confirmed that the planet may have at one point contained water. âWhile the board itself is now completely cracked and arid, the very fact of its existenceâŚ
MARSâIn a desperate attempt to make up for years of aimless planetary wandering, the Curiosity Rover spent most of Monday frantically driving around the Red Planet in order give the impression that it had been busy before the impending arrival of NASAâs InSight Lander. âAw, fuck, Iâm going to be up all night scouringâŚ
WASHINGTONâIn an effort to make the solar systemâs central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agencyâs plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. âWith this mission, weâll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun reallyâŚ
CAPE CANAVERAL, FLâExplaining that the immense pressure and heat within the cabin had proved too much for their fragile canine bodies, SpaceX confirmed today that all 400 dogs aboard its Falcon Heavy prototype rocket failed to survive the trip into orbit. âSadly, we must report that 315 adult dogs and 85 puppies madeâŚ
WASHINGTONâCommemorating what is widely considered to be the greatest achievement of space exploration, NASA on Tuesday celebrated the 60th anniversary of the launching of the first moon to orbit Earth. âWe may not consider the idea of a moon that orbits Earth to be that big of a deal today, but if you mentioned itâŚ
LOW EARTH ORBITâInadvertently observing the gruesome act through its near-infrared camera, the Hubble Space Telescope reportedly struggled to reach NASA on Tuesday after witnessing what appeared to be a murder on Jupiterâs largest moon, Ganymede. Frightened and unable to leave the confinement of its geostationaryâŚ
Sixty years ago this week, the USSR launched Sputnik 1, the worldâs first manmade satellite, and set off an international competition for spaceflight supremacy. Here are the most important moments in the space race.
Advertisement
