SAN DIEGO, CA—Admitting that filling the positions had proven far more difficult than expected, a local coed softball team confirmed Thursday that they were struggling to find enough hyper-competitive men to ruin their rec league experience. “We managed to get Derek on the team, who goes ballistic and slams the bat on…
CHICAGO—Touting the lack of pressure to squeeze something into every second of the excursion, Cubs manager Joe Maddon confirmed Wednesday that he was saving up his mound visits for one long trip in the eighth inning. “I used to like spreading out my visits across the whole game, but then I realized it’s far more…
CLEVELAND—Generously admitting that he most likely would not have been able to beat the gritty, defensive-minded Pacers all by himself, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James credited his teammates during the post-game press conference Sunday with providing the necessary bodies to avoid forfeiting Game 7 of the…
MIAMI—Unleashing a furious tirade after finding the roof retracted for the third time this month, Miami Marlins manager Don Mattingly admonished his players Monday for leaving the dome open with the stadium’s air conditioning running. “Come on, guys, this is just wasteful. I’ve told you a hundred times, either leave…
DALLAS—Revealing that the Cowboys owner was looking for stability at an essential position, team sources confirmed Thursday that Jerry Jones is planning to use the 2018 NFL Draft to find a long-term solution at mistress. “This isn’t about a short-term fix. There is going to be a lot of talent at the draft, but I need…
CHICAGO—Admitting that he was torn over which one would be the best fit for the roster, Chicago Bears general manager Ryan Pace told reporters Thursday that he was wavering between drafting a good player or a bad player. “It’s a real toss-up because on one hand, you have a guy with tremendous instincts and…
FOXBOROUGH, MA—Assuring fans and reporters that his football career was far from over, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady revealed Wednesday that humanity would perish long before he retires. “You can’t take anything for granted in the NFL, but I’m taking care of my body, and I plan to keep playing football…
LOS ANGELES—Dedicating himself to improving his skills every day in search of a repeat victory in the Best Animated Short category, Kobe Bryant reportedly hit the video editing bay Tuesday to work on defending his Academy Award win for Dear Basketball. “I’m trying to stay on top of my game, so I start every day at 6…
LAS VEGAS—Guaranteeing they couldn’t “hack it” back in the ’80s and ’90s, former NBA star Michael Jordan spoke out Tuesday blasting the weakness and lack of drive in modern blackjack players. “These soft and coddled blackjack players today, who come into the Bellagio and stand on a jack and a five, they could never…
PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA—Decrying the rapid decay of what were planned to be pillars of the local community, PyeongChang officials confirmed Wednesday that only weeks after the Olympics, many of their athletes were already completely dilapidated. “The Olympics were supposed to be about building the future of South…
ANAHEIM, CA—Frustrated with the level of play he has encountered during his first week of competition in the American major leagues, Japanese baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani told reporters Monday that he’d hoped American players wouldn’t be this bad. “When I decided to leave Japan to sign with the [Los Angeles] Angels,…
