LeBron James Credits Teammates With Providing 4 Bodies Necessary To Avoid Forfeiture Against Pacers

CLEVELAND—Generously admitting that he most likely would not have been able to beat the gritty, defensive-minded Pacers all by himself, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James credited his teammates during the post-game press conference Sunday with providing the necessary bodies to avoid forfeiting Game 7 of the…

Jerry Jones Hoping To Use 2018 Draft To Find Long-Term Solution At Mistress

DALLAS—Revealing that the Cowboys owner was looking for stability at an essential position, team sources confirmed Thursday that Jerry Jones is planning to use the 2018 NFL Draft to find a long-term solution at mistress. “This isn’t about a short-term fix. There is going to be a lot of talent at the draft, but I need…

Kobe Bryant Hits Editing Bay To Train In Defense Of This Year’s Oscar Win

LOS ANGELES—Dedicating himself to improving his skills every day in search of a repeat victory in the Best Animated Short category, Kobe Bryant reportedly hit the video editing bay Tuesday to work on defending his Academy Award win for Dear Basketball. “I’m trying to stay on top of my game, so I start every day at 6…

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Michael Jordan Attacks Softness, Lack Of Competitiveness In Modern Blackjack Players

LAS VEGAS—Guaranteeing they couldn’t “hack it” back in the ’80s and ’90s, former NBA star Michael Jordan spoke out Tuesday blasting the weakness and lack of drive in modern blackjack players. “These soft and coddled blackjack players today, who come into the Bellagio and stand on a jack and a five, they could never…

Annoyed Shohei Ohtani Had Hoped U.S. Baseball Players Wouldn’t Be This Bad

ANAHEIM, CA—Frustrated with the level of play he has encountered during his first week of competition in the American major leagues, Japanese baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani told reporters Monday that he’d hoped American players wouldn’t be this bad. “When I decided to leave Japan to sign with the [Los Angeles] Angels,…