SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy. “After conducting an exhaustive, years-long examination of the…

NEW YORK—Cautioning players to think twice before taking any more big swings at the plate this season, the MLB warned its home-run hitters Monday that they’re almost completely out of baseballs. “Just so you all know, we’re down to like, 12 balls, so please keep that in mind before you try to crank any more out of the…

PHILADELPHIA—Pushing back on the NFL’s efforts to increase the number of prime-time broadcasts, sources confirmed Thursday that NFL fans are increasingly unable to recover in time for Thursday night games. “Look, after the intense pounding we take for hours on Sundays, there’s just no way we can be back at our best…

ANN ARBOR, MI—Boasting that an incredible unplanned shot perfectly captured the true nature of the Michigan football head coach, a documentary crew filming the team’s 2017 season revealed Wednesday that its static night vision camera positioned on the field had caught an inquisitive Jim Harbaugh poking its lens. “The…

NEW YORK—In an effort to improve overall safety for both competitors and spectators, NHL officials issued a warning Friday to remind hockey fans that banging on the glass scares the players. “Fans attending games should refrain from pounding on the glass as it’s very disorienting and aggravating for hockey players and…

TAMPA, FL—Moving aside the plastic tubs full of Christmas ornaments and cardboard boxes of old books stored in his attic, professional wrestler John Cena took out his brown argyle singlet from a cedar chest in preparation for AutumnSlam, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I always love when October comes around because I get…

OXFORD, OH—Sources confirmed Saturday that ESPN sideline reporter Laura Rutledge is acting like it is no big deal that Notre Dame football head coach Brian Kelly just walked away in the middle of their halftime interview. “What does the defense– oh, oh, thanks, coach,” said Rutledge, who reportedly continued to smile…

LIVONIA, MI—Eliciting a chorus of mumbles and reluctant encouragement from the crowd, sources reported Thursday that a local little league team spent 18 minutes getting the ball back to their pitcher during a playoff game. Witnesses claim the ordeal began after a pop fly foul ball when 9-year-old outfielder Tyler…

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook. “Yeah, we’ve been seeing Dalvin blinking in and out of sight a few times, but we’re not really…

WEST LAFAYETTE, IN–Michigan holder Garrett Moores is fucking sick of giving little pep talks to his team’s kicker every time he misses a field goal, sources confirmed during Saturday’s game between Michigan and Purdue. “Jesus Christ, this shit is getting old,” Moores reportedly thought to himself after patting the…

NASHVILLE, TN—Stressing the importance of the fan base’s health and wellbeing, Vanderbilt University chancellor Nicholas Zeppos advised Commodore football fans Thursday to get vaccinated before the team’s Southeastern Conference road schedule begins next week. “Those of you travelling into parts of the country like…

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want. “You know what, the offense may have however many guys they need on the field to make this…

OAKLAND, CA—Saying that team doctors had confirmed their worst fears after initially seeing the color commentator pull up lame, CBS revealed Sunday that Dan Fouts would miss the remainder of the regular season after blowing out his larynx on a routine anecdote. “Dan has told this story about the 1980 playoffs hundreds…

CHICAGO—Disappointed and irritated by his half-hearted display of fandom, sources reported Tuesday that local man Paul Winslow must have thought that it was enough to wear a Chicago Blackhawks jersey to a Chicago Cubs game. “I guess this fucking guy assumes he’s covered because the Blackhawks also play in Chicago?”…

NEW YORK—Demonstrating their callous indifference to human suffering, the cruel broadcast gods ripped away CBS’ bonus coverage of Sunday’s game between the Raiders and Titans, sources confirmed this afternoon. “Okay, due to NFL rules, we’re now going to have to take you back to the studio,” said the cold, unfeeling…

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways. “Adam, the rumor I am about to share with you regarding the Kansas City…

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site FanSided published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams. “From the best in the game, all the way down to the bottom of the barrel, we’re analyzing each and every one of the 128…

NEW YORK—Calling the inhumane treatment a disgrace to the MLB and all of its consumers, a disturbing new report released Thursday by Sporting News revealed the cruel, disgusting conditions for prospects kept in the MLB farm system. “Our investigation found that these young, helpless prospects are often forced to live…

CHICAGO—Standing several feet back as they tossed a ground-up, blood-soaked mixture of beef and pig meat toward the outfield walls, members of the Wrigley Field grounds crew reportedly spent Tuesday afternoon feeding buckets of raw meat to the ballpark’s hungry ivy. “In order to keep the ivy healthy and lush, we have…

DES MOINES, IA–After exhaustive testing of nearly every style and design on the market, the Callaway 9 Iron was once again named by Golf Digest on Monday the best golf club for smashing in the windshield of a cheating ex. “Factoring in qualities like shatter radius, overhead swing speed, and shock absorption, the…