Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy
SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes,…
MLB Warns Homerun Hitters League Almost Out Of Balls
NEW YORK—Cautioning players to think twice before taking any more big swings at the plate this season, the MLB warned…
Fans Increasingly Unable To Recover In Time For Thursday Night Games
PHILADELPHIA—Pushing back on the NFL’s efforts to increase the number of prime-time broadcasts, sources confirmed…
Documentary Crew’s Night Vision Camera Captures Inquisitive Jim Harbaugh Poking Lens
ANN ARBOR, MI—Boasting that an incredible unplanned shot perfectly captured the true nature of the Michigan football…
NHL Warns Hockey Fans That Banging On Glass Scares Players
NEW YORK—In an effort to improve overall safety for both competitors and spectators, NHL officials issued a warning…
John Cena Gets Argyle Wool Singlet Out From Cedar Chest In Preparation For AutumnSlam
TAMPA, FL—Moving aside the plastic tubs full of Christmas ornaments and cardboard boxes of old books stored in his…
On-Field Reporter Acting Like No Big Deal That Coach Just Walked Away Mid-Interview
OXFORD, OH—Sources confirmed Saturday that ESPN sideline reporter Laura Rutledge is acting like it is no big deal that…
Little League Team Spends 18 Minutes Getting Ball Back To Pitcher
LIVONIA, MI—Eliciting a chorus of mumbles and reluctant encouragement from the crowd, sources reported Thursday that a…
Vikings Coaching Staff Refuses To Panic About Flickering Dalvin Cook
MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings…
Holder Fucking Sick Of Giving Kicker Little Pep Talks After Every Missed Field Goal
WEST LAFAYETTE, IN–Michigan holder Garrett Moores is fucking sick of giving little pep talks to his team’s kicker every…
Vanderbilt Chancellor Recommends Fans Get Vaccinated Before SEC Road Schedule Begins
NASHVILLE, TN—Stressing the importance of the fan base’s health and wellbeing, Vanderbilt University chancellor…
Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want
SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore…
CBS Loses Dan Fouts For Season After Blowing Out Larynx On Routine Anecdote
OAKLAND, CA—Saying that team doctors had confirmed their worst fears after initially seeing the color commentator pull…
Man Must Think It Enough To Wear Blackhawks Jersey At Cubs Game
CHICAGO—Disappointed and irritated by his half-hearted display of fandom, sources reported Tuesday that local man Paul…
Cruel Broadcast Gods Rip Away Bonus Coverage Of Football Game
NEW YORK—Demonstrating their callous indifference to human suffering, the cruel broadcast gods ripped away CBS’ bonus…
Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self
BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam…
‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams
NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports…
Disturbing Report Reveals Cruel, Disgusting Conditions For Prospects Kept In MLB Farm System
NEW YORK—Calling the inhumane treatment a disgrace to the MLB and all of its consumers, a disturbing new report…
Wrigley Field Grounds Crew Feed Buckets Of Raw Meat To Hungry Ivy
CHICAGO—Standing several feet back as they tossed a ground-up, blood-soaked mixture of beef and pig meat toward the…
Callaway 9 Iron Once Again Named Golf Digest’s Best Club For Smashing In Cheating Ex’s Windshield
DES MOINES, IA–After exhaustive testing of nearly every style and design on the market, the Callaway 9 Iron was once…