‘Coffee Cultivation Merely Extends The System Of Colonial Oppression,’ Recite Nation’s 180,000 Radicalized Starbucks Employees After 3-Hour Anti-Bias Training
SEATTLE—Irrevocably changed after attending a mandatory training session on racial bias, the nation’s Starbucks…
Desperate Starbucks Now Pleading For People To Masturbate, Use Drugs In Its Restrooms
SEATTLE, WA—In an effort to restore the company’s battered image in the wake of recent controversies, desperate…
Impoverished Kenyan Bean Picker Can’t Wait To See What Starbucks Has To Say About Racial Sensitivity
NYERI, KENYA—Reacting to news that Starbucks will close more than 8,000 locations for a day to conduct…
Starbucks Offering New Lukewarm Coffee To Help Ease Customers’ Transition From Iced To Hot
SEATTLE—Introducing the latest seasonal drink to its menu, Starbucks announced Monday that the company is now offering…
Starbucks Unveils $7 Wake-Up Slap
SEATTLE—Touting it as an invigorating way to jumpstart your morning, Starbucks on Friday unveiled its new $7 wake-up…
Obama Hosts Diplomatic Talks At Starbucks While Oval Office Carpet Cleaned
WASHINGTON—After locating several empty seats at a communal table near the service counter, President Barack Obama…
Area Woman Almost Imagines Taste Of Peppermint Mocha On Tongue But Stops Herself
‘Patience, Patience—Soon, My Love’
Most Depressing Job Interview You’ll Ever See Currently Taking Place At Starbucks Table
BURLINGTON, VT—Citing the loud screeching sounds of milk being steamed in the background, the overly crowded setting,…
Starbucks Is 40
The Seattle-based coffee chain Starbucks celebrated its 40th anniversary in March.
Sources: Barista Not Actually Flirting With You
SAN FRANCISCO—Though she greets you every morning with a smile, sometimes chats with you, and makes sure the chocolate…
Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation
SEATTLE–After a decade of aggressive expansion throughout North America and abroad, Starbucks suddenly and unexpectedly…
New Starbucks Opens In Rest Room Of Existing Starbucks
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Starbucks, the nation’s largest coffee-shop chain, continued its rapid expansion Tuesday, opening its…