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Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki

CLEVELAND—Rushing into action as a horrified crowd of onlookers gathered, heroic police officer Craig Stanton reportedly talked a man down Thursday from the edge of purchasing a footlong Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich. “Listen, you don’t have to do this—you have so much more to live for,” said the…

Subway Employee Still Unnerved By High-Pitched Screech Sandwiches Make When Cut In Half

YONKERS, NY—Two years into his employment at the fast food eatery, Subway employee Gabe Winthrop reported Thursday that he is still shaken by the earsplitting shrieks made by the sandwiches every time he slices them in two. “I’m pretty much a veteran around here at this point, but I’ll tell you, I don’t think I’ll…

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