‘Could’ve Been Me,’ Grumbles Merrick Garland Watching Gorsuch Hearings At Bar With Fellow Highway Maintenance Workers

HOWARD, MD—Shaking his head and sighing as he viewed the televised proceedings, Merrick Garland reportedly grumbled “Could’ve been me” while watching Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch’s Senate hearing Monday at a local bar with his fellow highway maintenance workers. “I’m supposed to be sitting up there before the…

Trump Hails Gorsuch As Fierce Protector Of Future Amendment Allowing President To Temporarily Suspend Right To Assemble

WASHINGTON—Praising the federal appellate judge’s commitment to upholding the Constitution, President Trump hailed his Supreme Court justice nominee Neil Gorsuch as a fierce protector of the future amendment that will allow the president to temporarily suspend the right to assemble. “I am confident that Judge Gorsuch…

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Merrick Garland Kind Of Uncomfortable With Political Analysts Casually Pointing Out He’ll Die Relatively Soon After Nomination

WASHINGTON—Having followed the media coverage surrounding his nomination to the Supreme Court, 63-year-old appeals court judge Merrick Garland reported Thursday that he is actually pretty uncomfortable with the number of political analysts who have been casually pointing out that he will die relatively soon. “Over the…