The highly controversial recent confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court marks an especially divisive moment in the history of America’s judicial branch. The Onion takes a look at the most pivotal moments in the Supreme Court’s 229-year history.
WASHINGTON—Decrying the tactics as a smear campaign against an exemplary judge, Republicans blasted Brett Kavanaugh Friday for destroying the sterling reputation of a good man. “It’s despicable that this individual waited until the 11th hour to engage in offensive, partisan attacks in an attempt to discredit a decent…
WASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket, Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) reportedly awoke Thursday chained to a radiator with instructions to saw open his own stomach if he wished to access the FBI’s report on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “You…
CHAPPAQUA, NY—Brushing aside insinuations that she had anything to do with the rancorous confirmation process, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton laughed off Wednesday the idea that she was politically savvy enough to run a revenge campaign against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “It’s utterly…
WASHINGTON—Frantically pacing around his home, pausing only to refresh his email inbox and check his phone’s call log, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was starting to get worried Tuesday about not hearing back from his potential employers after his job interview. “Oh man, oh man—it’s almost been a week already…
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the lifetime appointment would provide vital structure and purpose, newly sober Brett Kavanaugh introduced his Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor who claimed that the judge needs this Supreme Court seat as part of his recovery, sources confirmed Monday. “Listen, Brett checks in with me every…
BETHANY BEACH, DE—Shaking his head in frustration as he read about the testimony given by his old high school friend to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Mark Judge reportedly confirmed Friday that he couldn’t believe that fucking lightweight Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh got the meanings of “boofing” and “the…
WASHINGTON—Admitting he was surprised by all the tasks required of him in order to enter the prestigious organization, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh reportedly stated Thursday that he was impressed by the hazing rituals you have to go through before they let you join the Supreme Court. “Man, I knew the Supreme…
WASHINGTON—Speaking before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Brett Kavanaugh defended himself against accusations of misconduct Thursday with claims that he never committed sexual assault as it will come to be defined in a future Supreme Court case. “The allegations that I assaulted these women are categorically untrue…
WASHINGTON—Suddenly rethinking his selection amid an already tumultuous confirmation process, President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday he regrets choosing Brett Kavanaugh after hearing the Supreme Court nominee talk extensively about the high regard in which he holds women. “Whoa, hang on—when I nominated him,…
WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused as he slowly adjusted to his surroundings, Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly shocked Wednesday to find out he’s a Supreme Court nominee after sobering up from a 35-year drunken bender. “Oh, Christ, what the hell happened last night? What am I doing here?” said the yet-unconfirmed…
WASHINGTON—Saying the continued attention from his former flame was beginning to border on obsession, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh told reporters Tuesday it’s super embarrassing and sad that Christine Blasey Ford is still in love with him. “It’s just so awkward that she keeps holding a candle for me even…
WASHINGTON—Vehemently defending the Supreme Court nominee against recent allegations of sexual assault, GOP officials declared Wednesday that Brett Kavanaugh shouldn’t be held accountable for something he did as a white teenager. “We’re talking about something that occurred when Mr. Kavanaugh was a mere 17-year-old…
