Dick Durbin Wakes Up Chained To Radiator With Instructions To Saw Open Own Stomach To Access Kavanaugh Report

WASHINGTON—Stirring from his chloroform-induced stupor to discover a handwritten note shoved inside his pocket, Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL) reportedly awoke Thursday chained to a radiator with instructions to saw open his own stomach if he wished to access the FBI’s report on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “You…

Mark Judge Can’t Believe That Fucking Lightweight Kavanaugh Got ‘Boofing’ And ‘The Devil’s Triangle’ Wrong

BETHANY BEACH, DE—Shaking his head in frustration as he read about the testimony given by his old high school friend to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Mark Judge reportedly confirmed Friday that he couldn’t believe that fucking lightweight Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh got the meanings of “boofing” and “the…

Kavanaugh Claims He Never Committed Sexual Assault As It Will Be Defined After Future Supreme Court Case

WASHINGTON—Speaking before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Brett Kavanaugh defended himself against accusations of misconduct Thursday with claims that he never committed sexual assault as it will come to be defined in a future Supreme Court case. “The allegations that I assaulted these women are categorically untrue…

Trump Regrets Choosing Kavanaugh After Supreme Court Nominee Keeps Talking About How Much He Respects Women

WASHINGTON—Suddenly rethinking his selection amid an already tumultuous confirmation process, President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday he regrets choosing Brett Kavanaugh after hearing the Supreme Court nominee talk extensively about the high regard in which he holds women. “Whoa, hang on—when I nominated him,…

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