WASHINGTON—Denying that any attempt had been made to withhold information relevant to the Supreme Court confirmation process, Senate Republicans promised Wednesday there would be plenty of time to review Brett Kavanaugh’s writings once they had become the law of the land. “We’ll have an opportunity to thoroughly vet…
WASHINGTON—In a move that experts believe could upend the confirmation of President Trump’s second Supreme Court justice, the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh had reportedly begun to falter Friday after The Washington Post published a shocking editorial claiming he neglected to attend his eldest daughter’s piano recital…
YONKERS, NY—Expressing frustration that the popular reality TV series was being preempted to deliver such a humdrum message, viewers of ABC’s The Bachelorette were reportedly annoyed Monday after the episode was interrupted just to announce the person who will set back social progress 40 years. “It’s so obnoxious to…
Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy announced Wednesday he will retire July 31 after more than 30 years on the Supreme Court, a decision with far-reaching ramifications for the judicial branch, as well as the U.S. political system as a whole. The Onion takes a look at the effects that Justice Kennedy’s retirement will…
The Supreme Court on Tuesday ruled 5-4 in favor of President Trump’s policy to ban virtually all travelers from seven mostly Muslim-majority countries from entering the U.S., overriding the lower-court ruling that it was unconstitutional. The Onion answers the most important questions about the Supreme Court upholding…
WASHINGTON—In a controversial 7-2 decision that has left civil liberties advocates fuming, the U.S. Supreme Court Monday ruled that gay rights do not extend to dessert. “While homosexuals do have the right to get married, the right to equal treatment does not cover instances of pastry, cake, or candy,” said Senior…
WASHINGTON—On the heels of this week’s decision lifting a federal ban on sports betting, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 7-2 ruling Wednesday that legalizes all worldly vices, with the justices decreeing that immoral behaviors such as gambling, drug use, prostitution, and incest are “all good now.” “It is the opinion…
WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision by the country’s highest judicial body, sources confirmed that the U.S. Supreme Court announced Thursday that it had agreed to hear the new Jack White album. “Having already established a precedent when we heard Lazaretto in 2014, we have decided to bring Boarding House Reach before…
WASHINGTON—Saying the court expected to finish the year strong even without their most productive swing voter, sources reported Monday that Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy will be out for the rest of the Supreme Court session after tearing his adjudicatory tendon. “Unfortunately, these kinds of injuries take a lot…
WASHINGTON—Springing into action the moment their SCOTUS wristwatch transponders signaled the alert, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered in their top-secret subterranean chambers Friday to receive their latest directive from the giant holographic head of former Chief Justice John Marshall.
ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark. “They basically pay me $12 an hour just to sit in a chair and work on my…
WASHINGTON—Saying he has come to dread the end of each day’s session, recently sworn-in U.S. Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch revealed to reporters Wednesday that he remains bashful about showering in front of his new colleagues.
WASHINGTON—Presiding over the dimly lit chamber during the small hours of the morning, newly sworn-in justice Neil Gorsuch was reportedly forced Tuesday to work the Supreme Court overnight shift. “It’s pretty boring, and it sucks that it’s so late, but [Justice] Anthony [Kennedy] told me that doing the graveyard shift…
HOWARD, MD—Shaking his head and sighing as he viewed the televised proceedings, Merrick Garland reportedly grumbled “Could’ve been me” while watching Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch’s Senate hearing Monday at a local bar with his fellow highway maintenance workers. “I’m supposed to be sitting up there before the…
WASHINGTON—Pledging to defend the highest laws of the United States as objectively and consistently as possible, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch vowed Monday that if confirmed, he would interpret the Constitution in accordance with former Associate Justice Antonin Scalia’s original intent. “The Constitution is not…
WASHINGTON—Praising the federal appellate judge’s commitment to upholding the Constitution, President Trump hailed his Supreme Court justice nominee Neil Gorsuch as a fierce protector of the future amendment that will allow the president to temporarily suspend the right to assemble. “I am confident that Judge Gorsuch…
