As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for once,…

Disturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the many…

I was roused from an unusually restful sleep yesterday for reasons utterly alien to a news-paper publisher: a meeting…

When the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as…

By any civilized measure, this should be a golden age for America. My editors inform me that the gap between rich and…

The insufferable downy-cheeked technocrats in my employ at the Onion News Net-Work have informed me that, due to some…

As the longtime publisher of this news-paper, it is my duty and unrestrained pleasure to inform you spittle-soaked…

The school-educated busy-bodies who manage my media properties inform me that it is almost time to appoint a new…

I have been informed that winter has been upon us for a good month now. It is during this long season that my thoughts…

There is nothing I desire more than for dear, sweet Death to draw its soft shroud around me and usher me from this…

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Standish and I are currently hurtling away from the Earth in a giant…

Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is…

Huzzah and greetings to the fine Onion reader-ship! All is well with you, I hope! You have a crust to gnaw upon and…

Hi, everybody! I'm T. Herman Zweibel! I'm old and stupid! I wet myself a lot! I live in a big, stupid mansion! Listen…

Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of…

With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of…

As the publisher of the greatest news-paper the Republic has ever seen, I have not had a peace-ful existence. My…

Yesterday in my bed-chamber, Nurse Pin-head opened the glass-doors to my private balcony to release the fetid cloud of…

Among the mewling, puking horde of bottle-babies that is The Onion's reader-ship, there have always been those who seek…

I'm sick and tired of ghosts visiting my bed-chamber. At first, I admit, it was terrifying. Then, it became endearing.…