Advertisement

It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar

When the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as supreme imperator of all advertising-related matters, I was so shocked and enraged by their presumption that a fulminating cascade of bilious ichor shot forth from my nostrils. I appointed those spineless…

I Miss My Old Sled

I have been informed that winter has been upon us for a good month now. It is during this long season that my thoughts invariably turn to my childhood so long ago in the Oregon Territory. My dominant memory of those times is of snow, snow and more snow. Snow whirling about in great billows; snow piled in huge, sloping…

The Final Frontier

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Standish and I are currently hurtling away from the Earth in a giant metal rocket-ship. It turns out that the obelisk in which we were hiding as the murderous Society Of 800 Avenging Fists attacked my poor son N. Aeschylus was not an immobile object at all, but a powerful…

A Walk In The Woods

Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is carrying me down-stairs and across the main foyer. This is the season of the Yule-tide, is it not? Perhaps he is taking me to the parlor so that we may open our gifts. I do hope I finally got the shawl I…

Advertisement

I Live In Fear

Like many successful and wealthy plutocrats, I am often asked by one or another of you god-damned sheep exactly what it is to which I credit my good fortune. My reply, which I give unhesitatingly, is always the same: Do you call being a wheelchair-bound, half-withered, leprotic corpse-man, whose great iron-lung pumps…