I Am Leaving The Bloated Corpse Of Journalism Behind For This So-Called ‘Sociable-Media’ And Its Mountains Of Gold

As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for once, the cretins have the right of it; my bronze ear-horn, which once resonated day and night with the metallic shriek of The Onion’s implacable and limb-shearing steam presses, now strains to discern…

It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar

When the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as supreme imperator of all advertising-related matters, I was so shocked and enraged by their presumption that a fulminating cascade of bilious ichor shot forth from my nostrils. I appointed those spineless…