Jun 18 2018Commentary6/18/18Commentary6/18/18I Am Leaving The Bloated Corpse Of Journalism Behind For This So-Called ‘Sociable-Media’ And Its Mountains Of GoldAs any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for…
Oct 11 2011Commentary10/11/11Commentary10/11/11I'm Moving This Miserable Periodical To The YukonDisturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the…
Jun 19 2011Commentary6/19/11Commentary6/19/11I Shall Now Exact My Final Revenge Upon That Jack-Ass Joseph PulitzerI was roused from an unusually restful sleep yesterday for reasons utterly alien to a news-paper publisher: a…
May 12 2011Commentary5/12/11Commentary5/12/11It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising CzarWhen the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as…
Feb 24 2011Commentary2/24/11Commentary2/24/11Governor Walker Should Be Flogged For His Inability To Control His UnderlingsBy any civilized measure, this should be a golden age for America. My editors inform me that the gap between rich…
Jul 7 2010Commentary7/7/10Commentary7/7/10I Have Seen The FutureThe insufferable downy-cheeked technocrats in my employ at the Onion News Net-Work have informed me that, due to…
Jul 20 2009Commentary7/20/09Commentary7/20/09Well, I've Sold The Paper To The ChineseAs the longtime publisher of this news-paper, it is my duty and unrestrained pleasure to inform you spittle-soaked…
Jan 21 2008Commentary1/21/08Commentary1/21/08Onion Publisher Emeritus Introduces The Onion's 'War For The White House' Web SiteThe school-educated busy-bodies who manage my media properties inform me that it is almost time to appoint a new…
Jan 4 2006Commentary1/4/06Commentary1/4/06I Miss My Old SledI have been informed that winter has been upon us for a good month now. It is during this long season that my…
Oct 14 2003Commentary10/14/03Commentary10/14/03My Failed Suicide AttemptsThere is nothing I desire more than for dear, sweet Death to draw its soft shroud around me and usher me from this…
Dec 20 2000Commentary12/20/00Commentary12/20/00The Final FrontierWell, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Standish and I are currently hurtling away from the Earth in a giant…
Dec 13 2000Commentary12/13/00Commentary12/13/00A Walk In The WoodsWell, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is…
Dec 6 2000Commentary12/6/00Commentary12/6/00All's Right With The WorldHuzzah and greetings to the fine Onion reader-ship! All is well with you, I hope! You have a crust to gnaw upon and…
Nov 29 2000Commentary11/29/00Commentary11/29/00MockeryHi, everybody! I'm T. Herman Zweibel! I'm old and stupid! I wet myself a lot! I live in a big, stupid mansion!…
Nov 15 2000Commentary11/15/00Commentary11/15/00A Portentous Estate SaleSeveral months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of…
Nov 8 2000Commentary11/8/00Commentary11/8/00Dungeon MasterWith the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of…
Nov 1 2000Commentary11/1/00Commentary11/1/00The Peace Of The WombAs the publisher of the greatest news-paper the Republic has ever seen, I have not had a peace-ful existence. My…
Oct 25 2000Commentary10/25/00Commentary10/25/00Around The World In One ParagraphYesterday in my bed-chamber, Nurse Pin-head opened the glass-doors to my private balcony to release the fetid cloud…
Oct 18 2000Commentary10/18/00Commentary10/18/00I Will Decide What Is Appropriate For Children!Among the mewling, puking horde of bottle-babies that is The Onion's reader-ship, there have always been those who…
Oct 11 2000Commentary10/11/00Commentary10/11/00Ghost-BusterI'm sick and tired of ghosts visiting my bed-chamber. At first, I admit, it was terrifying. Then, it became…