Jun 18 2018
As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for…
Oct 11 2011
Disturbing reports have been reaching my bronze ear-horn over the past few weeks concerning the goings-on at the…
Jun 19 2011
I was roused from an unusually restful sleep yesterday for reasons utterly alien to a news-paper publisher: a…
May 12 2011
When the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as…
Feb 24 2011
By any civilized measure, this should be a golden age for America. My editors inform me that the gap between rich…
Jul 7 2010
The insufferable downy-cheeked technocrats in my employ at the Onion News Net-Work have informed me that, due to…
Jul 20 2009
As the longtime publisher of this news-paper, it is my duty and unrestrained pleasure to inform you spittle-soaked…
Jan 21 2008
The school-educated busy-bodies who manage my media properties inform me that it is almost time to appoint a new…
Jan 4 2006
I have been informed that winter has been upon us for a good month now. It is during this long season that my…
Oct 14 2003
There is nothing I desire more than for dear, sweet Death to draw its soft shroud around me and usher me from this…
Dec 20 2000
Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Standish and I are currently hurtling away from the Earth in a giant…
Dec 13 2000
Well, I must say, this is a surprise! My darling son N. Aeschylus has gently lifted me out of my death-bed and is…
Dec 6 2000
Huzzah and greetings to the fine Onion reader-ship! All is well with you, I hope! You have a crust to gnaw upon and…
Nov 29 2000
Hi, everybody! I'm T. Herman Zweibel! I'm old and stupid! I wet myself a lot! I live in a big, stupid mansion!…
Nov 15 2000
Several months ago, I informed The Onion's Middle-western readers of their impending sale as part of an offering of…
Nov 8 2000
With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of…
Nov 1 2000
As the publisher of the greatest news-paper the Republic has ever seen, I have not had a peace-ful existence. My…
Oct 25 2000
Yesterday in my bed-chamber, Nurse Pin-head opened the glass-doors to my private balcony to release the fetid cloud…
Oct 18 2000
Among the mewling, puking horde of bottle-babies that is The Onion's reader-ship, there have always been those who…
Oct 11 2000
I'm sick and tired of ghosts visiting my bed-chamber. At first, I admit, it was terrifying. Then, it became…