GRAND ISLAND, NE—In an effort to ensure their visitor was completely comfortable and conversant with all entertainment amenities, houseguest Brian Heatley was thoroughly briefed Thursday on the TV remote’s “Input 1” and “Input 2” modes and their corresponding effects on the family entertainment system. “Okay, one is…
MARS—In a desperate attempt to make up for years of aimless planetary wandering, the Curiosity Rover spent most of Monday frantically driving around the Red Planet in order give the impression that it had been busy before the impending arrival of NASA’s InSight Lander. “Aw, fuck, I’m going to be up all night scouring…
LONDON—Noting that his treatment from colleagues recently ranged from avoiding eye contact by some to the occasional incident of spitting directly into his face by others, Cambridge Analytica whistleblower Christopher Wylie admitted Friday that the last few weeks at work have been unusually awkward. “The vibe has…
Cyberattacks continue to rise in frequency and scope, affecting everyone from private citizens to corporations to city governments, with frequently embarrassing or distressing results. The Onion takes a look at some key facts about cybercrime.
SAN BRUNO, CA—Cautioning against the possibility that disturbed video bloggers may seek to emulate the actions of Nasim Aghdam, law enforcement authorities released a statement today addressing fears that the YouTube shooter may inspire a wave of copycat content creators. “As guardians of public safety, we can’t help…
LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Michael Crichton announced Wednesday that they had uncovered an unpublished manuscript about an amusement park that operates without a hitch. “This is an incredible find,” said…
SEATTLE—Deciding at the last minute to hold off due to ethical concerns, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set aside his latest cost-cutting initiative Wednesday after realizing it was actually human slavery. “On the surface, it seemed plausible—owning our employees’ bodies, implementing a mandatory 18-hour…
SAN FRANCISCO—During an investigation Tuesday into the first pedestrian fatality caused by a driverless automobile, an Uber representative reportedly told a National Transportation Safety Board detective, “As you can see, they are quite harmless,” while showing him a warehouse full of sleeping autonomous cars. “Look…
DOVER, DE—Getting quickly sidetracked by the mistakes on the insurance company’s “See My Benefits” page, local hacker Ben Kerrigan resolved Monday to just fix a few annoying typos on Guaranteed Health’s website before stealing their customer data. “Jesus, there are so many misspellings and doubled-up words in this…
MENLO PARK, CA—Responding to widespread criticism over the hoaxes and political disinformation featured on its platform, Facebook announced at a press conference Friday a new initiative to combat fake news by making the inaccurate stories on the social media site actually happen.
HAWTHORNE, CA—Kicking himself as the full scope of his ignorance dawned on him, Elon Musk reportedly admitted his embarrassment Thursday after realizing he was proposing an idea for a thing that already exists. “You’ve got to be kidding me—I’ve been pouring all this money and energy into developing a concept that’s…
CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the device as its most user-friendly and immersive to date, Apple unveiled the new iPhone X Continental at an event on their campus Thursday, marking the debut of the first smartphone colossal enough for all Americans to use at once. “Boasting a screen size of 1,400 by 2,875 miles and a…
MONTREAL, CANADA—In response to an outpouring of feedback from concerned families, pornographic website PornHub announced new parental controls Thursday to help users manage which hardcore, amateur, and fetish content their children see. “We understand that not all families share the same ideas about which filthy smut…
Twitter has come under increasing scrutiny for the way it handles user complaints, with some critics saying the social media site infringes on their free speech and others alleging it doesn’t go far enough. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how Twitter addresses user complaints.
WALTHAM, MA—Heralding its latest product as a breakthrough in artificial-intelligence technology, defense contractor Raytheon announced Friday it has built a military robot capable of composing heart-wrenchingly poignant poems about the relentless horrors of war.
FREMONT, CA—Calling his profound feelings of emptiness “almost too painful to bear,” Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, the Boring Company, and a variety of other tech and infrastructure firms, reportedly offered $1.2 billion in grants Wednesday to any project that could make him feel complete. “Even…
