Curiosity Rover Frantically Driving Around Mars To Make It Look Like It’s Been Busy Before New Spacecraft Arrives

MARS—In a desperate attempt to make up for years of aimless planetary wandering, the Curiosity Rover spent most of Monday frantically driving around the Red Planet in order give the impression that it had been busy before the impending arrival of NASA’s InSight Lander. “Aw, fuck, I’m going to be up all night scouring…

Archivists Discover Unpublished Michael Crichton Manuscript About Amusement Park That Operates Without A Hitch

LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Michael Crichton announced Wednesday that they had uncovered an unpublished manuscript about an amusement park that operates without a hitch. “This is an incredible find,” said…

‘As You Can See, They Are Quite Harmless,’ Says Uber Representative Guiding Detective Through Warehouse Of Sleeping Autonomous Cars

SAN FRANCISCO—During an investigation Tuesday into the first pedestrian fatality caused by a driverless automobile, an Uber representative reportedly told a National Transportation Safety Board detective, “As you can see, they are quite harmless,” while showing him a warehouse full of sleeping autonomous cars. “Look…

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