Timeline Of Artificial Intelligence
Artificial intelligence has been at the forefront of technological innovation for decades, giving rise to thrilling…
First Automated Foxconn Machine Immediately Tries To Commit Suicide
ZHENGZHOU, CHINA—According to sources within the facility responsible for manufacturing the majority of iPhones,…
Parenting Experts Warn Screen Time Greatly Increases Risk Of Child Becoming An Influencer
SANTA ROSA, CA—In a troubling study released by the California Parenting Institute on Thursday, behavioral experts…
The Onion’s Guide To Blockchain Technology
Blockchain technology forms the foundation for cryptocurrencies such as Bitcoin, Dogecoin, and Ethereum, but it can be…
‘Try It Now,’ Shouts Gogo Internet Technician Standing On Plane Wing While Fixing In-Flight Wireless Connection
ATLANTA—Screaming as loudly as he could while army-crawling towards the “finicky” router, Gogo Internet technician Bart…
Timeline Of Internet Bots
The widespread presence of bots on the internet has driven concerns about their effects on social media, cybersecurity,…
App Knows It’s Gone Next Time Man Needs Space For Photos
CLEVELAND—Admitting that it had little chance of surviving the next purge, plant-identification app Plantr acknowledged…
Onion Social Announces Hiring Of James Damore As Chief Technology Officer
PALO ALTO, CA—Lauding the important addition to the company’s leadership team, Onion Social announced Thursday the…
Houseguest Given Entire Rundown On Input 1, Input 2
GRAND ISLAND, NE—In an effort to ensure their visitor was completely comfortable and conversant with all entertainment…
Curiosity Rover Frantically Driving Around Mars To Make It Look Like It’s Been Busy Before New Spacecraft Arrives
MARS—In a desperate attempt to make up for years of aimless planetary wandering, the Curiosity Rover spent most of…
Cambridge Analytica Whistleblower Admits Last Few Weeks At Work Have Been Awkward
LONDON—Noting that his treatment from colleagues recently ranged from avoiding eye contact by some to the occasional…
Cyberattacks By The Numbers
Cyberattacks continue to rise in frequency and scope, affecting everyone from private citizens to corporations to city…
Authorities Fear YouTube Shooter Might Inspire Wave Of Copycat Content Creators
SAN BRUNO, CA—Cautioning against the possibility that disturbed video bloggers may seek to emulate the actions of Nasim…
Archivists Discover Unpublished Michael Crichton Manuscript About Amusement Park That Operates Without A Hitch
LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the…
Jeff Bezos Tables Latest Breakthrough Cost-Cutting Idea After Realizing It’s Just Slaves
SEATTLE—Deciding at the last minute to hold off due to ethical concerns, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly…
‘As You Can See, They Are Quite Harmless,’ Says Uber Representative Guiding Detective Through Warehouse Of Sleeping Autonomous Cars
SAN FRANCISCO—During an investigation Tuesday into the first pedestrian fatality caused by a driverless automobile, an…