Jan 6News in Brief1/6/21News in Brief1/6/21Ted Cruz Makes Last Effort To Block Election Result By Unleashing Wave Of Locusts From Mouth To Black Out SunWASHINGTON—In a final attempt to prevent Joe Biden from assuming the presidency, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly…
Nov 7 2018News in Brief11/7/18News in Brief11/7/18Beto Voter Struggling To Refocus Her Sexual Fantasies On Ted CruzAUSTIN, TX—Admitting that her attempts to fantasize about the victorious Senate candidate “just haven’t been the…
Oct 22 2018News in Brief10/22/18News in Brief10/22/18Trump Announces He’ll Pay Legal Fees Of Any Rally Attendee Who Beats Up Ted CruzHOUSTON—In an effort to whip up excitement at an event for the Texas senator’s reelection campaign, President Donald…
Oct 22 2018News in Brief10/22/18News in Brief10/22/18Ted Cruz Stuck In Nosebleed Seats At Senate Campaign RallyHOUSTON—Straining to hear President Trump speak from his vantage point high in the rafters of the Toyota Center,…
Oct 18 2018News in Brief10/18/18News in Brief10/18/18New Ted Cruz Attack Ad Declares Beto O’Rourke Too Good For TexasAUSTIN, TX—Emphasizing that the state had done nothing so far to merit anything besides the status quo, a new attack…
Oct 3 2018Infographic10/3/18Infographic10/3/18Ted Cruz Vs. Beto O’RourkeThe Texas Senate race between incumbent Republican Ted Cruz and his challenger, Democrat Beto O’Rourke, has become a…
Sep 18 2018News in Brief9/18/18News in Brief9/18/18Ted Cruz Attempts To Connect With Voters By Wearing More Handsome Man’s Face As Mask DALLAS—In an effort to make himself more appealing to voters, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to connect with…
Aug 28 2018News in Brief8/28/18News in Brief8/28/18New Ted Cruz Campaign Ad Features His Kids Begging For Beto O’Rourke To Be Their New DadHOUSTON—With scenes in which the two little girls can be seen pleading with outstretched arms, a new Ted Cruz…
Jul 21 2016VideoLive Coverage7/21/16 VideoLive Coverage7/21/16Highlights Of Ted Cruz’s 2016 RNC Speech
Jul 20 2016News in Brief7/20/16News in Brief7/20/16Pregnant Women Asked To Leave Convention Hall During Ted Cruz Speech For Safety Of Developing FetusesCLEVELAND—Warning that remaining in the vicinity could lead to numerous adverse health effects, officials at the…
May 3 2016News in Brief5/3/16News in Brief5/3/16Thousands Of Cheering Americans Packed Into Park For Ted Cruz Concession SpeechHOUSTON—Gathering to celebrate a milestone that many throughout the country had long eagerly awaited, an estimated…
May 3 2016News5/3/16News5/3/16Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal VerminINDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate…
Apr 28 2016News in Brief4/28/16News in Brief4/28/16‘Run! Run And Never Look Back!’ Whispers Heidi Cruz While Hugging Carly Fiorina On Rally StageINDIANAPOLIS—Smiling as she greeted her husband’s new running mate onstage at a campaign rally Wednesday, Heidi Cruz…
Apr 19 2016News in Brief4/19/16News in Brief4/19/16Ted Cruz Asks Central Park Hansom Cab Driver How Much It Costs To Whip Horse For An HourNEW YORK—Saying the activity seemed like the perfect way to spend some free time while he was visiting Manhattan,…
Apr 4 2016News in Brief4/4/16News in Brief4/4/16Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul LiquidALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn,…
Mar 29 2016News in Brief3/29/16News in Brief3/29/16Ted Cruz Opens Up To Town Hall Audience About Early Days As Larva Feeding On Porcupine CarcassMILWAUKEE—Attempting to connect with voters in the run-up to Wisconsin’s crucial state primary next week, Republican…
Mar 28 2016News in Brief3/28/16News in Brief3/28/16Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In GeneralJANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each…
Mar 24 2016News In Photos3/24/16News In Photos3/24/16Mysterious Necrotic Skin Disease Continues To Eat Away At Baby’s Face Weeks After Being Kissed By Ted Cruz