BENTON HARBOR, MI—Touting the appliance as a fun new way for kids to speed up their mornings, KitchenAid unveiled a spring-loaded toaster Friday that is designed to enable rad high school students to grab a piece of toast in midair on their way out of the house. “This sleek, state-of-the-art pop-up toaster has been…
MILWAUKEE—Noting an unprecedented increase in the number of cases involving juveniles with self-inflicted knife wounds, representatives from the Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin confirmed Wednesday that the internet’s new “Cut Off Your Genitals” challenge has become very popular among teenagers. “We are disappointed…
SPRINGFIELD, IL—Feeling anxious about broaching the subject with her strict, conservative family, local teenager Brynna Kessell confirmed Tuesday that she was unsure how to break it to her parents that the devil had recently gotten her pregnant. “When they find out that I’ve been carrying Satan’s spawn, they’re…
ASHBY, NE—In what experts are decrying as an utter failure to embrace one of life’s greatest opportunities, fertile woman Ashley Wilson, 16, reportedly hesitated on the first step of the incredible journey of motherhood Monday and instead asked her boyfriend to use a condom. “You have protection, right?” said Wilson,…
HOUSTON—Saying the data confirm that the demographic is so awful and mean, a study released Friday by a team of sobbing, red-faced scientists at Rice University found that 100 percent of teenagers are “huge fucking assholes.” “They’re all just jerks and we hate them,” said sniffling lead author Phil Gunnig, who in a…
NEW YORK—Offering young acne sufferers the means to clear up their skin in nonjudgmental privacy, a new AcneFree treatment unveiled Friday will ship teens to a remote island colony for the remainder of puberty. “We’re excited to provide pimpled teenagers with the opportunity to spend their adolescence ridding…
WASHINGTON—Beseeching them to pursue a less destructive path with their lives, the nation begged disaffected youth gravitating towards neo-Nazism to get high and play Xbox instead, sources reported Friday. “We don’t really care if you get blazed and play video games, sit home and jerk off, or shoplift a bunch of shit…
OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom. “I was taking the sheets off Ryan’s bed for…
WALTHAM, MA—Calling it nothing short of a mental health crisis for the group, a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine found that depression was up sharply among teenage girls able to perceive any part of the world around them. “Our research has shown a significant increase in anxiety and…
WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown,…
SLATON, TX—Comforting grieving teammates and students left and right, Byron Meadows High School psychologist Mark Caldwell was said to be absolutely crushing it this week in the wake of a fatal varsity football injury. “Mark is on fire right now—he’s already met one-on-one with all of [junior wide receiver] Brett…
PEEKSKILL, NY—Lamenting that she is now inextricably associated with the popular image messaging app solely because of the date of her birth, local teen Caitlin Reese told reporters Thursday that she had no say whatsoever in becoming part of the Snapchat Generation. “Being labeled a member of the Snapchat Generation…
CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery…
WHEELING, WV—Sources at Kiskey High School confirmed that Mrs. Landrum’s seventh-period English class looked on in sympathy Wednesday as the teacher turned to face her students and inadvertently erased part of the whiteboard with her gigantic ass. “Boy, that was hard to watch,” sophomore Anthony Diaz reportedly said…
Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression:
FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble. “I’ve been at this for a…
NOVI, MI—Citing his desire for a slightly less hectic schedule that would allow him a little free time during his senior year, local student Matt Reynolds, 17, reportedly decided this week to quit a club that would have set his application apart from others and secured his admission to his dream college. “I’ve still…
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell…
