KitchenAid Unveils Spring-Loaded Toaster That Allows Rad High Schoolers To Grab Breakfast In Midair While Leaving House

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Touting the appliance as a fun new way for kids to speed up their mornings, KitchenAid unveiled a spring-loaded toaster Friday that is designed to enable rad high school students to grab a piece of toast in midair on their way out of the house. “This sleek, state-of-the-art pop-up toaster has been…

Teen On Brink Of Experiencing Incredible Journey Of Motherhood Instead Asks Boyfriend To Use Condom

ASHBY, NE—In what experts are decrying as an utter failure to embrace one of life’s greatest opportunities, fertile woman Ashley Wilson, 16, reportedly hesitated on the first step of the incredible journey of motherhood Monday and instead asked her boyfriend to use a condom. “You have protection, right?” said Wilson,…

‘100% Of Teenagers Huge Fucking Assholes,’ Confirms Study By Sobbing, Red-Faced Scientists

HOUSTON—Saying the data confirm that the demographic is so awful and mean, a study released Friday by a team of sobbing, red-faced scientists at Rice University found that 100 percent of teenagers are “huge fucking assholes.” “They’re all just jerks and we hate them,” said sniffling lead author Phil Gunnig, who in a…