Dec 17News in Brief12/17/20News in Brief12/17/20Desperate AMC Touts Theaters As Nice Dark Places For Teens To Rub Each Other’s GenitalsLEAWOOD, KS—In an attempt to boost ticket sales by reminding young patrons of the unique benefits offered by cinema,…
Jul 27News in Brief7/27/20News in Brief7/27/20Missing Teen Looks Like He Can Probably Take Care of Himself Out ThereARLINGTON, MA—Noting that from a quick glance it seemed like he’d fare all right, observers of a missing person…
Jul 13News in Brief7/13/20News in Brief7/13/20Defeated Player Vows To Log Back Onto ‘League Of Legends’ Early Tomorrow Morning When Most Teens Haven’t Woken UpRENO, NV—Following yet another brutal blowout at the hands of his rival participants, local League Of Legends player…
Jul 10News in Brief7/10/20News in Brief7/10/20Teens Flock To New App Where They Just Enter Own Personal Data Into FormNEW YORK—Revealing that the new software had seen skyrocketing growth among Gen-Z users over the past six months,…
Jul 9News in Brief7/9/20News in Brief7/9/20Teen Who Died From Coronavirus Probably Had Undiagnosed Old AgePHOENIX—Noting that the medical problem was common in these sorts of cases, sources confirmed Thursday that…
Jul 1News in Brief7/1/20News in Brief7/1/20Teenage Boy Fears Girlfriend Will Pressure Him Into Showering Before He ReadyRALEIGH, NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically…
May 15News in Brief5/15/20News in Brief5/15/20Nervous New Driver Going To Stick To Sidewalks Until He’s More ConfidentPHOENIX—Clutching the steering wheel and remarking that it was just safer for everyone this way, nervous 17-year-old…
May 125/12/20Eighth Grader Would Have Cranked Classroom Pencil Sharpener Few More Times If She Knew That Going To Be Last ChanceDENVER—Reflecting on the simple pleasure that she would likely never experience again, area eighth-grader Francesca…
Mar 31Slideshow3/31/20Slideshow3/31/2012 Xtreme Slides Just For TeensWelcome to the No-Rules Zone! Sorry, Mom and Dad, you better head to bed. Things are going to start getting pretty…
Dec 11 2019News in Brief12/11/19News in Brief12/11/19Critics In 2030s Ask Why Teen Climate Activist Isn’t In Abandoned School Bailing Water And Shooting Enemy ForagersNEW RICHMOND, EV—In response to the attention she was receiving for her vocal objections to international leaders’…
Nov 25 2019News in Brief11/25/19News in Brief11/25/19Typical American Teen Struggles To Balance Demands Of School, Pansexual Orgies, And Drug RavesNEWBERRY, SC—Echoing the concerns of millions of teenagers across the nation, typical American 17-year-old Dana…
Oct 25 2019News in Brief10/25/19News in Brief10/25/19Teens Frantically Cleaning Up Mess From Homicide Before Vacationing Parents ReturnEL PASO, TX—Working feverishly to cover up all evidence of their unsupervised week, a group of hapless teens raced…
Oct 14 2019News In Photos10/14/19News In Photos10/14/19Teen Could Go For A Big Huff Of Something Right Now
Oct 4 2019News In Photos10/4/19News In Photos10/4/19Report: Katelyn To Keep Her Headphones In During Entire 2-Hour Drive To Soccer Game
Sep 9 2019News In Photos9/9/19News In Photos9/9/19Teenager Walks 30 Feet Ahead So Onlookers Don’t Think He’s In Florence With His Parents
Sep 2 2019News in Brief9/2/19News in Brief9/2/19Teenagers Making Out In Park Have No Idea What The Hell They’re DoingCARY, NC—Clumsily slobbering over each other like ham-fisted amateurs, a pair of teenagers sighted making out in the…
May 23 2019News in Brief5/23/19News in Brief5/23/19Song Banged Out In Half Hour By Professional Songwriters To Define Teenager’s Personality For Next Two YearsLOS ANGELES—Working at a clip only slightly faster than usual, a team of professional songwriters spent a half hour…