WASHINGTON—Dismissing the individuals in question as lacking the depth of character necessary to pose a credible national security threat, Homeland Security director Kirstjen Nielsen released a watch list Tuesday of terrorists who don’t have the balls to participate in a direct attack on the United States. “The men…
AUSTIN, TX—Deeply lamenting the loss of young Mark Anthony Conditt, the precocious yet thoughtful go-getter with a penchant for politics, city officials confirmed Thursday that the true Austin bomber was everyone who failed this sensitive, promising kid. “What our investigation is attempting to determine is this:…
WASHINGTON—Saying that the mission had met all its objectives, the U.S. military announced Tuesday that it had launched a successful airstrike that had killed 30 Iraqis who may as well have been terrorists. “I am pleased to confirm that at 1400 hours yesterday afternoon, U.S. forces carried out an air raid on a site…
BERKELEY, CA—Vowing to derail whichever event it is by any means necessary, local Antifa organizers announced plans Monday to disrupt an upcoming neo-Nazi rally or whatever else is going on that day. “We will stop at nothing to prevent these vile fucking neo-Nazi hatemongers from gathering, or, if not them, someone…
BARCELONA, SPAIN—In a show of solidarity following the terrorist attack that left 14 dead and over 100 injured in Barcelona, Spain, European leaders stood together Friday to say loud and clear that they were scared as fuck and didn’t know what to do. “Side by side in the face of unfathomable violence, we assemble here…
WASHINGTON—Suggesting he did not act alone but with implicit backing at the highest levels, the FBI said Monday that the suspect charged with murder for ramming his car into a crowd of protesters in Charlottesville over the weekend may have received tacit support from a powerful U.S. government figure. “While James…
FAIRFAX, VA—Growing increasingly exasperated at his inability to make himself heard, local man Alex Turner told reporters Wednesday that he was frustrated by the fact that he is unable to leave a hateful message for a local synagogue because the line is always tied up with other threats. “I make it a point to call…
WASHINGTON—Saying the measure would greatly aid efforts to combat the rise of anti-American sentiment online, the FBI announced Tuesday that it had shut down a prominent new ISIS recruitment website, www.whitehouse.gov. “Blocking sites like this one, which spread propaganda in the effort to attract people to ISIS, is…
RAQQA, SYRIA—Describing his recent conversations with the sociable and upbeat American teenager as “a really nice change of pace,” ISIS recruiter Ben Ahmed al-Fezzani told reporters Thursday it has been a thrill to talk to a popular high school student for once. “Boy, it’s been so refreshing to speak with a kid who…
HAWIJA, IRAQ—Responding to his captors’ demands that he divulge who he is and what he was doing in the region, kidnapped journalist Tim Cascella reportedly found himself Thursday having to explain to several ISIS militants what BuzzFeed News is. “So, it’s part of a broader digital media network, and it started out as…
MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from…
NEW YORK—Following the quick identification and arrest of a suspect in this weekend’s series of bombings in New York and New Jersey that injured 29 people, the American public sought to make it clear Monday that their rational, measured response to this act of terrorism did not preclude them from having a panicked…
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground. That will send a message that they…
WASHINGTON—Highlighting the gaping security holes that continue to persist 15 years after the attacks, an encouraging report released Thursday by radical extremist think tank the Caliphate Institute determined that the United States is no safer than it was before 9/11. “Despite efforts to expand digital surveillance…
WASHINGTON—Knocking gingerly on the Oval Office door before poking her head into the president’s daily intelligence briefing Thursday morning, Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell meekly asked those in attendance if there was anything she could do to help stop ISIS, White House sources reported. “Hey, sorry to…
NICE, FRANCE—In the wake of the Bastille Day terrorist attack in Nice, France that killed 84 people and injured over 200 more, humankind told reporters Friday it was hoping it would only have to put up with a few more millennia of this shit. “Right now, it feels like so many innocent people are dying in senseless…
