Giants Players Beg Al Michaels Not To Use Their Real Names During Starting Lineup Introduction

WASHINGTON—Desperately hoping to avoid humiliation on the national stage, sources confirmed that members of the New York Giants pleaded with NBC play-by-play sportscaster Al Michaels to avoid using their real names during the starting lineup introductions of Thursday night’s broadcast. “Please do me a solid and say my…

‘Let’s All Say What We’re Grateful For,’ Says Mother Who Apparently Believes She’s In A Norman Fucking Rockwell Painting

LANSING, MI—Deluded into thinking the gathering was the goddamn picture of idyllic American life, local mother Donna Lerner, who apparently believes she’s in a Norman fucking Rockwell painting, reportedly suggested Thursday that everyone say what they are grateful for. “Now, let’s all go around the table and say at…