Increased Violence Leads State Department To Issue Advisory For Americans Traveling To 1861
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Responding to reports of political turmoil and growing instability, officials from the U.S. State…
Snooze Button Time Traveler Sets Coordinates For 5 Minutes Into The Future
MINNEAPOLIS—Setting his sights on a point five minutes into the future, snooze button time traveler Brent Conley, 31,…
Future U.S. History Students: 'It's Pretty Embarrassing How Long You Guys Took To Legalize Gay Marriage'
DECATUR, IL, THE YEAR 2083—According to students in Mr. Bernard's fourth-period U.S. history class, it's "really…
Man From Future Can't Stop Living In The Less-Far-Into-The-Future
LOS ANGELES—Time-traveling neurotic Guy Axiom, more commonly known as "the Man from the Future," cannot stop living in…
New College Graduates To Be Cryogenically Frozen Until Job Market Improves
WASHINGTON—In a bold new measure intended to address unemployment among young professionals, lawmakers from across the…
I Don't Define Myself By My Ability To Travel Between Dimensions
I can see it in their eyes. They're thinking, "Hey, look. It's the dimension-jumping guy!" "Come on, dude who isn't…
Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift
CINCINNATI—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Labor, skyrocketing consumer prices coupled…
Obama Suddenly Panicked After Gazing Too Far Into Future
MADISON, WI—Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL) fell deathly silent in the middle of a speech on education before the Wisconsin…
Time Traveler: Everyone In The Future Eats Dippin' Dots
NEW YORK—In an announcement with far-reaching implications for the fate of human civilization, a time-traveling man…
Specters Of Dental Hygienists Past Haunt Convention Center
SPOKANE, WA—More than one dozen attendees of a drapery and window coverings trade show at the local Comfort Inn and…
We Must Preserve The Earth's Dwindling Resources For My Five Children
As we move into the 21st century, it is our responsibility to think of the future of the earth—not for ourselves, but…
Science-Fiction Novel Posits Future Where Characters Are Hastily Sketched
OREGON CITY, OR—Science-fiction author Morgan Richards announced Monday completion of his long-awaited novel, Zeppelins…
City Councilman From Future Warns Against Building 12th Avenue Rec Center
HOLLINS, VA—Appearing through a wormhole at a city-council meeting Tuesday, Xanthon Clarke, a Hollins 3rd District…
Ted Turner Sends Self Back In Time To Prevent AOL Time Warner Merger
ATLANTA—According to a videotaped message airing exclusively on CNN, media mogul Ted Turner has sent himself back in…
Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks
NEWTON, MA—According to sullen teenager Steve Geremek, the 23rd century, a time previously restricted to the…
The Future Will Be A Totalitarian Government Dystopia vs. The Future Will Be A Privatized Corporate Dystopia
I am sad to say that for all our efforts in the name of freedom, the future shall be a bleak one, indeed. Such…
World's Top Scientists Ponder: What If The Whole Universe Is, Like, One Huge Atom?
PALO ALTO, CA—Gathering for what members of the international science community are calling "potentially the most…