Man Guessing He’s Stared At Giant Sequoia Long Enough To Appreciate It

RED FIR, CA—Spending what seemed like the correct amount of time soaking in the beauty of the massive tree, local man Matt Tedesco assumed Wednesday that he probably stared at a giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it. “I mean, it’s definitely really big, and I went and stood under it, so I think I get how majestic…

Flight Attendant Demonstrates Proper Technique For Eating Fellow Passenger In Event Of Crash

ATLANTA—As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a crash. “In the unlikely…

Eco-Conscious Hotel Lets Guests Decide Whether They Want Room’s Towels Washed Before Next Guests Arrive

HEALDSBURG, CA—In a continuing effort to minimize the environmental impact of each patron’s stay, eco-conscious hospitality chain h2hotel announced plans Monday to allow those staying in their accommodations to decide whether they want towels, bath mats, and washcloths laundered for the next guests. “Tourism often…

Pilot Informs Passengers They Will Be Rerouting To Avoid Scary Cloud That Looks Like Shark

TEMPE, AZ—Advising passengers on Flight 523 to Chicago to sit tight while the aircraft was rerouted, United Airlines pilot Thomas Langard informed his passengers Friday that they would be altering course to avoid a scary cloud that looked just like a big shark. “This is your captain speaking; it’s my duty to inform…

Flight Attendant Licks Her Lips As Traveler Approaches Gate With Large Suitcase

BOSTON—Positively salivating at the unsuspecting customer moving in her direction, flight attendant Melissa Holmes reportedly licked her lips Friday as a traveler approached the gate with a large suitcase. “Yeah, that’s right—take that overpacked Samsonite and come to Mama,” said Holmes, rubbing her hands together…

Man Silently Eating Personal Pan Pizza Alone In Corner Of Airport Unaware This Will Be Best Part Of 7-Day Vacation

INDIANAPOLIS—Quietly chewing on a piece of crust as he waited for his connecting flight to arrive, local man Brett Harding silently ate a personal pizza alone in a corner at the Indianapolis International Airport Wednesday, all while having no idea that it would be the best part of his upcoming seven-day vacation.…