Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s…

Swiss Guard Charge Writhing Mass Of Black Tentacles Devouring Pope Francis

VATICAN CITY—Racing frantically through St. Peter’s Square toward the sound of the Supreme Pontiff’s agonized cries, members of the Vatican’s Swiss Guard reportedly charged and surrounded a colossal writhing mass of black tentacles Wednesday that was devouring Pope Francis. “Destroy the infernal monstrosity,” shouted…

Pope Francis Clarifies That God Just One Of Many Immortal Beings Who Speak To Him Every Day

VATICAN CITY—Explaining how he rarely goes more than an hour or two without hearing from one of them or another, Pope Francis revealed to reporters Tuesday that God is just one of many immortal beings who speak to him on a daily basis. “God is always there to listen to my prayers and provide spiritual guidance, but on…

Pope Leaves Detailed Instructions For Taking Care Of Holy Spirit While He Out Of Town

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to prepare for his weeklong visit to the United States, Pope Francis reportedly left a set of detailed instructions taped to the door of the Apostolic Palace this weekend that explained how to take care of the Holy Spirit while he is out of town. “He’s actually pretty good when He’s left on…

Vatican Policymaking Once Again Manipulated By Powerful Second Commandment Rights Groups

VATICAN CITY—Lamenting their tremendous impact on Catholic doctrine and their unfettered access to influential clergy, frustrated Vatican insiders told reporters Monday that policymaking decisions for the world’s largest Christian denomination continue to be manipulated by powerful second commandment rights groups.…