Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef'
Future Of Genteel Town In Jeopardy As Doily Factory Closes
HONEYSUCKLE CORNERS, MO—A Missouri town's doily factory will close down for good this week, potentially spelling the end of the idyllic and grandmotherly way of life enjoyed by its citizens for generations.
Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing
Since 1997, the use of prescription painkillers in the United States has risen 88 percent, and oxycodone, the main ingredient in OxyContin, has increased sixfold. What do you think?
Aug. 27, 1920
Women Get Vote, Rest Rooms
Poet Takes Extra 5 Minutes To Vague Up Poem
ANN ARBOR, MI—After completing a poem originally titled "Last Dawnbreak," local poet Keith Taylor spent five additional minutes removing verbs and punctuation in order to give the piece a level of vagueness more suitable for publication.
Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy
WASHINGTON, DC—In an emblematic move intended to stand in for the official symbolic reprimand of the president, a vehemently well-mannered mob of demonstrators censured an effigy of George W. Bush Tuesday, making known its displeasure over such actions as illegal wiretapping and the politically motivated firing of…
Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace
A new study shows that smokers have a poorer-than-average work performance and call in sick more than non-smokers. What do you think?
Meaninglessness Of Preseason Game Plunges Jeremy Shockey Into Existential Crisis
NEW YORK—Struggling to find purpose in life after his realization that the Giants' 13-12 victory over the Ravens Sunday night would have no bearing on the team's standings, tight end Jeremy Shockey has been questioning whether preseason games have any purpose, meaning, or even reality in and of themselves. "What the…
Peyton Manning Shows His Backup Proper Way To Hold Clipboard
TERRE HAUTE, IN—Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning interrupted an intrasquad scrimmage Tuesday for approximately 45 minutes in order to show backup quarterback Jim Sorgi how to properly hold his clipboard.
NCAA Hopes Guilty Verdict In Punter Stabbing Case Will Suppress Rash Of Copycat Punter Stabbings
GREELY, CO—College football officials are hopeful that the guilty verdict handed down in the case of Mitch Cozad, the North Colorado punter who stabbed punting rival Rafael Mendoza in an attempt to usurp his starting position, will discourage any further punter-on-punter violence. "We're saddened that the court didn't…
Athletes In Trouble With The Law
Michael Vick's criminal case may be dramatic, but the situation is hardly new. Onion Sports takes a quick look at athletes who landed on the wrong side of the law:
Left-Handed Hitter Sends Little League Team Into Panic
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Panic, confusion, and general chaos swept over the West Chandler, AZ Little League Sunday when, without warning, a player from the South Lubbock, TX team entered the left-handed batter's box. "Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty! Lefty!" said first baseman Cody Bellinger, apparently unable to do…
Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries
MUNDELEIN, IL—A legendary Burger King employee, known across the land for the heroic and selfless deed of randomly inserting a single onion ring among the french fries of unsuspecting customers, is believed to have recently resurfaced in this sleepy Illinois town, sources reported Monday. "That onion ring was such a…
FDA Approves Seconds
WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising reversal of its longtime single-helping policy, the Food and Drug Administration announced its approval of seconds Tuesday, claiming that an additional plateful of food with every meal can greatly reduce the risk of hunger as well as provide an excellent source of deliciousness.
Wal-Mart Shoplifter Crackdown
Citing "shrinkage" as a factor in recent poor performance, Wal-Mart is instituting a number of anti-shoplifting policies, including prosecuting first-time offenders who are as young as 16. What do you think?
