Future Of Genteel Town In Jeopardy As Doily Factory Closes
HONEYSUCKLE CORNERS, MO—A Missouri town's doily factory will close down for good this week, potentially spelling the…
Pain Medication Use Skyrocketing
Since 1997, the use of prescription painkillers in the United States has risen 88 percent, and oxycodone, the main…
Poet Takes Extra 5 Minutes To Vague Up Poem
ANN ARBOR, MI—After completing a poem originally titled "Last Dawnbreak," local poet Keith Taylor spent five additional…
Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy
WASHINGTON, DC—In an emblematic move intended to stand in for the official symbolic reprimand of the president, a…
Study: Smokers Bad For Workplace
A new study shows that smokers have a poorer-than-average work performance and call in sick more than non-smokers. What…
Meaninglessness Of Preseason Game Plunges Jeremy Shockey Into Existential Crisis
NEW YORK—Struggling to find purpose in life after his realization that the Giants' 13-12 victory over the Ravens Sunday…
Peyton Manning Shows His Backup Proper Way To Hold Clipboard
TERRE HAUTE, IN—Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning interrupted an intrasquad scrimmage Tuesday for…
NCAA Hopes Guilty Verdict In Punter Stabbing Case Will Suppress Rash Of Copycat Punter Stabbings
GREELY, CO—College football officials are hopeful that the guilty verdict handed down in the case of Mitch Cozad, the…
Athletes In Trouble With The Law
Michael Vick's criminal case may be dramatic, but the situation is hardly new. Onion Sports takes a quick look at…
Left-Handed Hitter Sends Little League Team Into Panic
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Panic, confusion, and general chaos swept over the West Chandler, AZ Little League Sunday when,…
Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring In Everyone's Fries
MUNDELEIN, IL—A legendary Burger King employee, known across the land for the heroic and selfless deed of randomly…
FDA Approves Seconds
WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising reversal of its longtime single-helping policy, the Food and Drug Administration…
Wal-Mart Shoplifter Crackdown
Citing "shrinkage" as a factor in recent poor performance, Wal-Mart is instituting a number of anti-shoplifting…