FAIRFIELD, CA—Lacking the exuberance, spontaneity, and airborne bodily fluids of previous all-night fuckfests, the first orgy since the passing of group-sex enthusiast Brian Hodge was a solemn and subdued affair, heavily lubricated sources reported Monday.
Recently Opened Empire State Building 'Giant-Ape Proof,' Say Architects
LOS ANGELES—Thirty-four lone-wolf detectives and beat officers from Los Angeles' 77th Police Precinct received unpaid three-month suspensions Monday for unprofessional and insubordinate conduct that their chief said he's tolerated for the "last goddamn time."
A study from the Centers for Disease Control found that potentially deadly drug-resistant staph infections were more prevalent than originally believed. What do you think?
TAMPA, FL—Local authorities were reportedly appalled and disgusted after discovering the brutalized remains of a Taco Bell meal strewn across a table at one of the fast-food chain’s Tampa locations Monday.
KANSAS CITY, MO—Players on both the anemic Kansas City Chiefs offense and the porous Cincinnati Bengals defense celebrated with high-fives, hugs, and minor victory dances when the Bengals managed to stop a rare positive gain by the Chiefs running game during the first quarter of Sunday's game at Arrowhead Stadium.…
TAMPA, FL—Saying that their No. 2 national ranking is "not something we really want or need at this point," nervous University of South Florida head coach Jim Leavitt told reporters at the team's afternoon practice yesterday that he "more or less was hoping" that his team would lose one or more of their next several…
As the 2007 NCAA basketball season gets underway, Onion Sports reports on the midnight festivities on campuses across the nation:
HEAVEN—Explaining that He had been "absolutely swamped," God announced yesterday that He was finally able to find time in His busy schedule to answer a portion of the 1995 and 1996 prayer backlog.
CLEVELAND—Following Eric Gagne's 11th inning meltdown in Game 2 of the ALCS, Red Sox manager Terry Francona informed the reliever that he was being temporarily demoted to the "Appleton Red Wolves," a completely fabricated Triple-A team that, unbeknownst to Gagne, Francona made up right on the spot. "I don't agree with…
MIAMI—The winless Miami Dolphins have conspired with the Cleveland Browns in an attempt to finally defeat the unbeaten New England Patriots by catching them in a "trap game," sources from both teams reported Tuesday. "Right, here's the plan: We take the field on Sunday and pretend to play football as usual. But just…
NEW YORK—Dan Marino, the former Dolphins quarterback, former multiple NFL all-time record holder, and current co-host of HBO's Inside The NFL, was the host, producer, and head writer of the hour-long HBO special Mr. 278, which aired Monday and commemorates Brett Favre breaking the all-time record for interceptions.