Entire City Council Meeting Devoted To Tree Stump
Friend Somehow Bad At Hanging Out
HOLDREGE, NE—According to local resident Jay Reagor, his longtime friend Geoff Scovell, 25, is somehow not good at hanging out, the low-pressure recreational pastime in which skill and ability are generally not considered to be factors.
5-Year-Old Wants To Be A Tractor When She Grows Up
AKRON, OH—In a statement delivered to friends, family members, and household pets, Kendall Garretson announced Monday that she would like to become an 13-ton, 275-horsepower John Deere row-crop tractor when she grows up.
Life Expectancy Falls
A study at the Harvard Global Health Initiative shows that, for a segment of the population, life expectancy is lower now that in was in the early '80s. What do you think?
U.S. Intelligence: Burundi May Be Developing Telephone
WASHINGTON—According to a report released by the Pentagon, evidence suggests that the small Central African nation of Burundi may be developing a telephone, and experts warn the country could be just 10 years away from achieving a dial tone. "If Burundi's telephone has long-distance capabilities, it will be possible…
All-Star Game Gimmicks
As if it weren't enough to feature the game's top players in the only All-Star game in all the pro sports with any real implications, Major League Baseball and Fox have decided to spice up the contest with a few tweaks. Onion Sports lists the most intriguing:
Economy Down, Crimestoppers Tips Up
As food and gas increase in price, so, too, do calls to Crimestoppers looking to trade tips for reward money. What do you think?
Girlfriend Wants To Leave Game Now
BOSTON—According to eyewitness reports, Jennifer Holleman, 25, wants to leave the game now despite the difficulty and expense of obtaining tickets, the strong playoff implications of the contest, and the fact that the final result of the hotly contested tie game is still in doubt. "Are you still watching this? Or can…
Jamie Moyer Change-Up Arrives At Home Plate After Long Journey
PHILADELPHIA—Following a 60-foot, six-inch voyage that began at the distant pitching rubber, a Jamie Moyer-thrown change-up arrived at home plate for a called third strike nearly 147 seconds after it was thrown. "There were a few minutes when I thought it would never get here," said Phillies catcher Chris Coste, who…
Mark Cuban Buys Sports
DALLAS—Billionaire Mark Cuban, tired of the opposition he has encountered from NBA management in his role as owner of the Dallas Mavericks and frustrated with opposition from the MLB owners' association in his attempt to buy the Chicago Cubs, liquidated almost all his personal wealth and holdings and purchased the…
Experts Find Having Fun Not Necessarily A Key To Victory
NEW YORK—Despite repeated entreaties from coaches that players just go out there and have fun, recent research and analysis of basketball, baseball, football, hockey, and soccer undertaken by the Elias Sports Bureau has proven that having fun will not lead to winning. "As it turns out, skill, talent, team depth,…
At-Bat Following Grand Slam Just Kind Of Awkward
HOUSTON—Astros right fielder Hunter Pence expressed consternation following teammate Miguel Tejada's seventh inning grand slam, saying the proceedings took a decided turn for the awkward from that moment on. "Now where does that leave me exactly?" Pence said after the game, referring to the at-bat in question, in…
