Area Woman Wouldn't Mind Feeding Your Cats
HARTFORD, CT—Local neighbor Sarah Dobbs issued a public statement Tuesday notifying you that she is always available…
Shitload Of Math Due Monday
OLD BRIDGE, NJ—In what many are calling a complete bullshit move, Riverside High School algebra teacher Mrs. Trella,…
Trampled Wal-Mart Employee's Family Sues Company
The family of 34-year-old Jdimytai Damour is suing Wal-Mart for creating the unsafe atmosphere in which he was trampled…
Bill Clinton Agrees To Disclose Guacamole Recipe
WASHINGTON—In a major stride toward increased transparency of former presidents' culinary activities, Bill Clinton…
Bush Dragged Behind Presidential Motorcade For 26 Blocks
KANSAS CITY, MO—President Bush sustained serious head injuries, massive internal bleeding, and a broken left leg Monday…
Evander Holyfield Claims His Quest For Severe Brain Damage Keeps Him Fighting
ATLANTA—Forty-six-year-old heavyweight boxer Evander Holyfield, who has taken hundreds of blows to the head in a career…
Charlie Weis Called Before Christ To Discuss Future With Notre Dame
SOUTH BEND, IN—Jesus Christ, the Son of God and president of Notre Dame football's Booster Club, announced yesterday…
Capitol Visitor Center Finally Opens
Three years late and nearly $360 million over budget, the Capitol Visitor Center is finally open in Washington, D.C.…
Athletes And Guns
The recent Plaxico Burress incident is only the latest chapter in a long and unhealthy relationship between sports and…
Jason Kidd Describes Feeling 'Unsafe In Own Arena' After Getting Basketball Stolen
DALLAS—A distressed and visibly shaken Jason Kidd addressed the Mavericks Tuesday to admit that he no longer felt safe…