The Week In Review
Area Man Has Heard Of Andre Ethier
BRECKSVILLE, OHâLocal man and casual baseball fan Leon Markham confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he has definitely heard the name of baseball player Andre Ethier. "Andrew Ethier, yeah. Shortstop for the Phillies, right?" Markham said of the Dodgers outfielder. "He's good at hitting. Or maybe he's known for hisâŚ
Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone On Bus Awake With Another One Of His Nasty Sex Stories
TAMPA, FLâRed Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis reportedly prevented everyone on the team bus from sleeping Monday when he loudly described in disgusting detail the elasticity and mucus secretions of his girlfriend's vagina. "Man, she was pretty hot and bothered, because I'd been stirring up her soup for a while," saidâŚ
Pack Of Baseball Cards Comes With Doubles Of Jose Fucking Contreras
SAN FRANCISCOâIn what was described as a "total fucking rip-off," collector Kirk Poole purchased a pack of Topps baseball cards containing not one, but two cards featuring former White Sox pitcher Jose Fucking Contreras. "Fucking Contreras again? You've got to be kidding me," a visibly frustrated and crestfallen PooleâŚ
Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics
PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITIâEmphasizing the country's warm tropical climate, vibrant culture, and long-term plans to cultivate farmland capable of sustaining actual crops, the Haitian Olympic Committee formally announced its bid Monday to host the 2216 Summer Games.
Yamaha CEO Pleased With Current Production Of Jet Skis, Alto Saxophones, Snowmobiles, Power Generators, Scooters, Golf Carts
HAMAMATSU, JAPANâDespite concerns over the recent global recession, Yamaha Corporation president Mitsuru Umemura announced last week that he was content with the current level of production of Jet Skis, alto saxophones, snowmobiles, power generators, scooters, and golf carts. "Initially we thought that the decliningâŚ
Arizona Wildcats Freshman Point Guard Already Calling School 'Zona'
TUCSON, AZâIn an effort to impress his new University of Arizona teammates, Wildcats freshman point guard Lamont Jones was already referring to the school as "Zona" after his very first practice, sources reported Tuesday. "I waited until I was halfway through junior year to start calling the school Zona," senior guardâŚ
Gmail Suffers Major Outage
An overloaded Google router caused a shutdown of Gmail on Tuesday, affecting 150 million users for nearly two hours. What do you think?
Loser Senior Takes Loser Freshman Under His Wing
MARGATE, FLâIn a rare act of upperclassman generosity, Mangrove High School loser senior Chris Payack announced Monday that he is tending to the well-being of loser freshman Anthony Martelli.
How Will Michigan Rebound In 2009?
Following a terrible 3-9 outing in 2008, Michigan coach Rich Rodriguez desperately needs the football team to win in 2009. What are the Wolverines doing to improve?
Mad Men
AMC
You Follow One Kid Home, Rip Out His Eyes And All The Sudden You're A 'Killer' Squirrel
I'm a happy-go-lucky squirrel who loves living the good life of climbing trees and eating nuts. Mostly eating nuts. Man! I can't get enough of them. So tasty. But let's make one thing clear, right here and now: I have never killed anyone.
Walletless Biden Found Handcuffed To Bedpost
WASHINGTONâAccording to an incident report filed by the Secret Service, special agents responded early Wednesday morning to a distress call from Number One Observatory Circle and arrived to discover Vice President Joe Biden chained to a bed, spread-eagle, with a pair of cutoff denim shorts around his ankles. ThoughâŚ
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