SEC Replay Official Overturns 'Roe v. Wade'
TUSCALOOSA, AL—A Southeastern Conference replay official conducting a video review of a sideline catch during the…
Mark McGwire To Teach Cardinal Hitters At What Point In Swing To Evade Congressional Questioning
ST. LOUIS—After being named hitting coach by Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, Mark McGwire told reporters Monday that…
Bombastic Team Introduction Scares Timid Charlotte Bobcats Back Into Locker Room
CHARLOTTE, NC—Frightened by the deafening music, the frenzied laser show, and the announcer's booming voice, panicked…
House Haunted By Tortured Souls Of Current Residents
HARTFORD, MI—On the outside it may look like any other home, but within the walls of 6535 Maple Ave. lies a terrifying…
World Series Sub-Subplot Involves Yogi Berra Driving Through Philadelphia In 1953
NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez's first World Series appearance and the Philadelphia Phillies' attempt to repeat as champions…
Sasha Obama Orders Secret Service Agent To Stop Squirming During Makeover
WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, first daughter Sasha Obama, 8, issued a direct order to Special Agent…
McDonald's Abandons Iceland
Iceland's three McDonald's locations are closing because of the collapse of the island nation's currency. What do you…
Group Of Popular Girls Reduces Nation To Tears
NEW YORK—A group of popular teenage girls viciously insulted the United States Tuesday, causing the populace to break…
Even British Able To See Holes In Buccaneers' Defense
LONDON—Despite their lack of experience watching American football and their unfamiliarity with all but the most basic…
World-Weary Sigh Emanates From Next Bathroom Stall
SCHAUMBURG, IL—A deep, drawn-out, world-weary sigh emanated from an occupied bathroom stall at a local office building…
I Got Some Sweet New Digs
Hola, amigos. How's it going? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been cheek-deep in a ditch of…