SAN ANTONIO—Spurs center Tim Duncan confirmed Monday that since he had not put off answering e-mails once during the entire year, 2010 would mark the fifth consecutive year he had held true to his New Year's resolution. "In 2006, I vowed to cut down on the sodium in my diet, and in 2007, I promised myself I would win…
CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying he was "still stressed out" from the tension of winning his fifth consecutive Sprint Cup, Hendrick Motorsports driver Jimmie Johnson unwound Tuesday by taking his No. 48 Lowe's Chevrolet for a leisurely 180 mph drive through the North Carolina countryside. "Sometimes I just like to throw on my…
GAINSVILLE, FL—The University of Florida Gators confirmed Monday that former fat Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis will leave the NFL to become their fat offensive coordinator and fat quarterbacks coach. "Not only does he have fat coaching experience at a major college, but he earned four fat Super Bowl rings and really…
SOLOMON, KS—Awakening to the lonely howl of a distant coyote early Tuesday morning, C.J. Hoppel climbs into his 18-wheeler and sets off westward across a barren stretch of unbroken prairie, the whipping wind his only companion as he pulls a rig full of Entenmann's baked goods and snack cakes across the plains.
WASHINGTON—In an effort to boost the economy and promote job growth, representatives from the newly revived Works Progress Administration announced Thursday their plan to dismantle, piece by piece, the 3.25 million cubic yards of concrete forming the Hoover Dam, and then immediately rebuild it. “This is a vital…
While House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced he would be leaving his position as White House press secretary to work as a political adviser. What do you think?
As the playoffs begin, Onion Sports offers an analysis of each team's chances to win it all.
RENTON, WA—Just a day after Seattle became the first team with a losing record to make the playoffs, a jubilant and confident head coach Pete Carroll announced that the Seahawks were only three losses away from reaching the Super Bowl.
INDIANAPOLIS—Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Caldwell told reporters Thursday he has decided to start 13-year veteran and 11-time Pro Bowler Peyton Manning at quarterback for Saturday's wild-card matchup against the New York Jets. "After much deliberation, we believe that Peyton's four MVP awards and one Super Bowl…
ANIMAL
I decided to check out a Miami Heat game this week. I went with reporter's credentials so I could get in for free and then write about it for this blog. I don't remember who they were playing that night.
I guess you could say I have always had a love affair with the written word. The simple, solitary act of contemplating the white expanse of the blank page, and then putting pen to paper and seeing where the words take me, is my one constant solace in an otherwise turbulent world. Yes, I must admit it: I am only truly…
WASHINGTON—Announcing that it would no longer allow Americans to fall behind, the Federal Communications Commission introduced a plan Monday to levy steep fines on anyone failing to keep up with the nation’s TV shows. “Our economy lost more than $200 billion in productivity this year with people taking time out of…
A new edition of the Mark Twain classic Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, forthcoming next month from NewSouth Books, will replace every use of the word "nigger" with the word "slave." What do you think?
