Socially Awkward Player Afraid To Ask If He’s Invited To Walk-Off Celebration

LOS ANGELES—Following his teammate Matt Kemp's walk-off home run Tuesday night, Dodgers second baseman and self-proclaimed "loner" Juan Uribe told reporters he felt uncomfortable joining the celebration without first being asked. "Maybe they don’t want me there," Uribe said, adding that while watching his teammates…

New 49ers GM Asks If Team Can Use Draft Picks For Something Other Than Football Players

SAN FRANCISCO—San Francisco's newly minted general manager, former scout Trent Baalke, asked the NFL head office for clarification on a point of order Monday over whether the team is required to exchange its draft picks for a football player. "Our roster has plenty of guys on it, so I believe the franchise should look…

Millions of People Prince William Would Never Deign To Speak To Captivated By Royal Wedding

LONDON—Onlookers throughout the English-speaking world remained enthralled this week by the majesty and pomp of the upcoming nuptials of England's Prince William, a man who wouldn't in a million years be caught dead associating with any of them, sources reported. "What a beautiful dress—and that cake!" said Arizona…