Man Eating Cashew Butter Can’t Believe He Wasted So Many Years Fucking Around With Peanut Butter

SYRACUSE, NY—After enjoying his first taste of cashew butter Monday, blindsided local man Gus Darius declared that he was “utterly ashamed” of all the years he’d wasted on the far inferior taste of peanut butter. “You’d think it would be obvious, seeing as cashews taste way, way better than peanuts, but apparently…

Gentle Ben Biographer's Shocking New Book Reveals Famous Bear's 28-Pine-Marten-A-Day Habit

LOS ANGELES—The film community was stunned Tuesday by a new biography’s allegations that at the peak of his acting career, celebrated American black bear Gentle Ben was a ferocious addict who consumed up to 28 pine martens a day. “I spoke to a production assistant whose job was to buy the pine martens and sneak them…

Every Player Begins Hitting Home Runs After Copying Albert Pujols’ Stance, Swing

NEW YORK—All 750 Major League Baseball players reported extreme increases in their number of hits, RBIs, and home runs Saturday after closely studying and mimicking Albert Pujols’ batting stance and swing. “I saw him getting so many hits and figured, hey, I ought to do exactly what he’s doing,” said Royals shortstop…

If I See Doug, I'm Going To Kick His Ass vs. Apparently Doug Is A Better Fighter Than I Thought

That's it. Doug thinks he can talk shit behind my back and get away with it? Oh, no, my friend, that's not gonna fly with me. That motherfucker's a dead man. A dead man! Running his mouth like a little bitch. The fuck does he think he is, anyway? Doug needs to get his smug face smashed in right now, and I don't give a…

It Pleases Me To Announce The Elevation And Coronation Of Hammond Morris, The Onion's New Advertising Czar

When the Onion's groveling, sniveling Board of Directors approached me with the idea of hiring someone to act as supreme imperator of all advertising-related matters, I was so shocked and enraged by their presumption that a fulminating cascade of bilious ichor shot forth from my nostrils. I appointed those spineless…