WASHINGTON—Amidst continued deadlock over how to rein in the federal deficit, government officials announced plans Tuesday to increase revenue by offering franchise opportunities to entrepreneurs who wish to start their own United States of America.
WASHINGTON—Pentagon officials expressed outrage when an independent audit revealed Tuesday that defense contractor KBR Inc. had charged them up to five times more than market price for the service of torturing Iraqi citizens. "At a time when our government is facing budget cuts across the board, it is reprehensible…
TACOMA, WA—Having spent years making excuses to avoid socializing with friends and acquaintances, local man Eric Shulman's explanations for why he can't hang out have grown more and more sophisticated over time, sources confirmed Saturday.
Delivering a eulogy, Mona Simpson, the sister of Steve Jobs, shared the Apple CEO's final words: "Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow." Here are some other famous last words:
You think you’ll ever find another house out there that has 3 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, a one-car garage, and a crawl space? Good luck to you, buddy. Reference #47229301
Clint Eastwood's film J. Edgar, starring Leonardo DiCaprio as controversial FBI head J. Edgar Hoover, opens today. What do you think?
CINCINNATI—Saying they could save a few bucks, a fertility counselor asked Anita and Joe Jansen Monday if they wished to consider far more affordable donor eggs from a totally fucked-up chick. "Seriously, you can get these things for 40, 50 percent less if you’re okay with a donor who's absolutely batshit insane,"…
STATE COLLEGE, PA—After former Penn State defensive coach Jerry Sandusky was charged Saturday with multiple counts of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, corruption of minors, indecent assault, and unlawful contact with minors, the national sports media sought out his victims this week to ask if they were worried…
PLANO, TX—Ashamed CEO Myron Ullman III admitted to shareholders of the JCPenney Corporation Thursday that in the past year the company has sold only two fleece jackets and a single Scattergories game. "While the jackets were purchased together as part of an end-of-winter buy-one-get-one-free deal, we still count that…
LEAMON, ID—Following their apprehension Thursday of would-be assassin Trent Beyer, law enforcement officials told reporters the 17-year-old student's attempted shooting rampage at East High School was "embarrassingly bad" and "didn't even come close" to causing any injuries or deaths.
Having lost the support of his coalition in Parliament, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi—the dominant force in Italian politics for nearly two decades—announced he would resign following the passage of new budget reforms. What do you think?