NEW YORK—As employment stagnates, manufacturing continues its slump, and overall confidence in the U.S. financial system wavers, the nation’s economists have begun abandoning their homes and sending their loved ones overseas. “We’ve noticed a trend among the leading economic thinkers, be they Keynsians, supply-siders,…
BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have a meeting as soon as everyone can find a moment.
SAN MATEO, CA—Silicon Valley insiders are abuzz over a new dating site, JustMatch.com, which offers users the chance to be paired with the romantic partner they have coming to them. "It takes less than five minutes to fill out our online personality questionnaire and find that special someone you absolutely deserve…
Authorities will be coming by homes to collect all children born the week of June 11-17 as foretold in the prophecy.
Eviction proceedings were formally brought against accused Aurora, CO gunman James Holmes on Wednesday, with his landlord citing the tenant’s murder of 12 theatergoers, damage to the premises, and rigging of multiple explosive devices in the apartment as violations of his lease. What do you think?
MILWAUKEE—Actor Christian Bale, star of the summer blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises, reportedly spent several hours Thursday visiting the hospital where the three men wounded in last Sunday’s shooting spree at a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, WI are being treated. "To be honest, we were a little surprised when he stopped…
"You better get your tickets ready, because it's time to ride the Cain train again." – Herman Cain
ATLANTA—More than eight months after suspending his campaign amidst plummeting poll numbers and allegations of sexual misconduct, Georgia businessman Herman Cain appeared at a spirited rally Friday to announce he was officially lifting the suspension and resuming his bid for the presidency.
With an average temperature of 77.6 degrees throughout the contiguous United States, last month was officially the nation’s hottest on record, breaking the previous all-time high set in July 1936 during the height of the Dust Bowl. What do you think?
LONDON—As they prepared for the last few days of their second Olympics broadcast together, NBC co-anchors Al Michaels and Bob Costas were no longer able to determine which one of them is which, sources confirmed Thursday. “Hi, everyone, and welcome back to our continuing coverage of the 2012 Olympics. I’m Bob Costas,”…
Thirty-seven years after the end of the Vietnam War, the United States will clean up an area in central Vietnam where Agent Orange was synthesized and stored, as seepage of the toxic defoliant into the groundwater has long been blamed by locals for cancer and birth defects. What do you think?
In case of inclement weather, the high noon pistol duel between the mayor and city council president scheduled for Perryman Park will instead be held at 12:45 p.m. in the Harrison Elementary School gymnasium.
PASADENA, CA—Barely 72 hours after the landing of its Mars rover, NASA officials announced Thursday that their mission had ended, as Curiosity's two-gigabyte memory card was now filled to capacity. "Well, that's that, folks," said chief scientist John Grotzinger, explaining that after Curiosity's Mars Descent Imager…
CHICAGO—With campaign rhetoric becoming increasingly heated and both presidential nominees releasing more attack ads, a new 30-second spot from the Obama campaign this week accuses his opponent Mitt Romney of committing the 1996 murder of 6-year-old beauty pageant queen JonBenét Ramsey.