SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In what delivery personnel are calling an alarming nationwide trend, customers who answer the door wearing alluring lingerie and little else now account for less than 24 percent of the shipping business, a six-month investigation by UPS officials confirmed Monday. “The latest numbers are, frankly,…
CHICAGO—Local resident Daniel Paxson has reportedly heard dozens of accounts from numerous friendly sources in the past two weeks confirming that the new James Bond film is pretty good. According to persons with knowledge of the situation, an unnamed friend of Paxson’s coworker Wendy Mathers watched the movie on…
In a private ceremony Thursday night, members of Kappa Delta Psi honored the memory of their recently deceased fraternity brother Nick Moyer by doing what he loved best: drinking a lot of Busch and showing their dicks to one another.
Over the strong opposition of the United States and Israel, the U.N. General Assembly voted 138 to 9 to grant the West Bank and Gaza Strip status as a “non-member observer state,” moving one step closer to recognizing Palestinian sovereignty. What do you think?
LOS ANGELES—In an annual ritual that has long heralded the changing of seasons, thousands of geese have left their native breeding grounds across North America and begun to head south, taking to the skies in droves as they migrate to actor Andy García’s house for the winter.
HELSINKI—In a report released Thursday at the United Nations pop culture summit in Finland, a consortium of leading entertainment scientists confirmed that the year 2012 has witnessed the hottest celebrities in recorded history.
Scientists at the Max Planck Institute for Astronomy in Germany announced the discovery of the biggest black hole ever recorded, a mammoth ultradense celestial body that is 17 billion times the mass of our sun. What do you think?
GOMA, DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO—While he admitted to having heard mentions of the bloody uprising and grave humanitarian crisis, Congolese rebel Emmanuel Muamba, 26, told reporters Thursday that he is having difficulty taking any real interest in the country’s ongoing insurrection and has “pretty much tuned out”…
DEARBORN, MO—Less than 24 hours after last night’s Powerball drawing, reports confirmed that the two winners of the $587 million jackpot are both already divorced from their respective spouses, alienated from their friends and families, and completely bankrupt.
Mitt Romney’s poor performance among minority voters, single women, and young people has led many top Republicans to call for an overhaul of the party’s image. Here are some options the GOP is considering to extend its appeal:
In his first meeting with Mitt Romney since winning reelection, President Barack Obama hosted his former political rival for lunch at the White House today to discuss ways to improve the federal government. What do you think?
MCLEAN, VA—Despite spending hundreds of millions of dollars in branding and promotion each year, no one at Capital One Financial Corporation can precisely recall why its ads center around a merry group of cost-conscious Vikings, sources reported Thursday. “I know there was some sort of connection between Vikings and…
SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to eyewitness reports, visibly frantic area resident Dwight Freeman, 31, rushed headlong out his front door Sunday in a desperate attempt to get to his local dealer’s limited-time Toyotathon before his brief window of opportunity closed. “My God, I have to get there right now!” screamed…
SEATTLE—Sad, pathetic local web developer and blogger Phillip Cathin, 34, told reporters today that he sees himself as “a brand.”
Minnie Caren, 81, passed away last evening, leaving behind her son, Steven; her daughter, Sandy; and so many goddamn papers, like, just boxes full of papers.