Vol 49 Issue 08 - America's Finest News Source | The Onion

America's Finest News Source.

America's Finest News Source.

Vol 49 Issue 08

Feb 24 2013

Commentary2/24/13

While I'm Glad I Won, I Personally Believe Abraham Lincoln Deserved To Die

Commentary2/24/13

While I'm Glad I Won, I Personally Believe Abraham Lincoln Deserved To Die

Feb 24 2013

News in Brief2/24/13

Daniel Craig Takes Home Pretty Good Actor Award

News in Brief2/24/13

Daniel Craig Takes Home Pretty Good Actor Award

Feb 24 2013

240 Killed In Stampede After Bucketful Of Oscars Just Dumped On Stage

240 Killed In Stampede After Bucketful Of Oscars Just Dumped On Stage

Feb 24 2013

News in Brief2/24/13

Unsuspecting Movie Stars Follow Fake Red Carpet Into Back Of Kidnappers’ Van

News in Brief2/24/13

Unsuspecting Movie Stars Follow Fake Red Carpet Into Back Of Kidnappers’ Van

Feb 24 2013

Sports News In Brief2/24/13

Derek Jeter Shatters Ankle In 148 Places After Attempting To Take Field

Sports News In Brief2/24/13

Derek Jeter Shatters Ankle In 148 Places After Attempting To Take Field

Feb 23 2013

Sports News In Brief2/23/13

Jerry Buss Surprisingly Leaves Entire Estate To Former Laker Luke Walton

Sports News In Brief2/23/13

Jerry Buss Surprisingly Leaves Entire Estate To Former Laker Luke Walton

Feb 23 2013

Featurette2/23/13

Featurette2/23/13

Are You Holding A Spoon Or A Fork?

Feb 22 2013

News in Brief2/22/13

Man Who Bought 34th Anniversary Reissue Of Fleetwood Mac's 'Rumours' Feeling Like Real Idiot After Passing Display For 35th Anniversary Edition

News in Brief2/22/13

Man Who Bought 34th Anniversary Reissue Of Fleetwood Mac's 'Rumours' Feeling Like Real Idiot After Passing Display For 35th Anniversary Edition

Feb 22 2013

American Voices2/22/13

American Voices2/22/13

Megan Fox To Star In 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'

Feb 22 2013

News in Brief2/22/13

Funeral Held For Door Shot 4 Times By Oscar Pistorius

News in Brief2/22/13

Funeral Held For Door Shot 4 Times By Oscar Pistorius

Feb 22 2013

Radio News2/22/13

Picture At Party Comes Out Great

Radio News2/22/13

Picture At Party Comes Out Great

Feb 22 2013

Pistorius Case Takes Dramatic Turn As Altered Plane Of Reality Results In Paralympian Shooting John Lennon

Pistorius Case Takes Dramatic Turn As Altered Plane Of Reality Results In Paralympian Shooting John Lennon

Feb 22 2013

News in Brief2/22/13

Snowstorm In Chicago Delays Hundreds Of Morning Murders

News in Brief2/22/13

Snowstorm In Chicago Delays Hundreds Of Morning Murders

Feb 22 2013

Sportsgraphic2/22/13

Great Moments In NFL Combine History

Sportsgraphic2/22/13

Great Moments In NFL Combine History

Feb 22 2013

Photo Finish2/22/13

Baseball Fan Reports For Spring Training Overweight

Photo Finish2/22/13

Baseball Fan Reports For Spring Training Overweight

Feb 22 2013

Sports News In Brief2/22/13

Danica Patrick Lauded For Breaking Down Barriers For Attractive Women

Sports News In Brief2/22/13

Danica Patrick Lauded For Breaking Down Barriers For Attractive Women

Feb 22 2013

Infographic2/22/13

The 2013 Best Picture Nominees

Infographic2/22/13

The 2013 Best Picture Nominees

Feb 22 2013

American Voices2/22/13

American Voices2/22/13

Man Demands No Black Nurses Touch Newborn

Feb 22 2013

Onion Magazine2/22/13

This Season's Hottest Flu Fashions

Onion Magazine2/22/13

This Season's Hottest Flu Fashions

Feb 22 2013

Featurette2/22/13

Featurette2/22/13

The Biggest Loser

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