The American Heart Association officially announced that people who owned pets, particularly dogs, appeared to have a reduced risk of heart disease and had better survival rates than those without pets. What do you think?

PEORIA, IL—While celebrating Mother’s Day today, local woman and mother of two Ellen Taylor, 38, was reportedly served breakfast in bed by her children mere minutes after being voraciously eaten out by her husband. “Ooh, what a treat!” said Taylor while receiving a tray of scrambled eggs, pancakes, and orange juice,…

ETNA, PA—Moments after watching him finish his fifth alcoholic beverage at the Crow’s Nest Bar and Grill Thursday night, sources reported local man Chris Serna, 32, had completed the task of getting drunk with a high degree of efficiency and skill. “Mr. Serna has a clear goal, which is getting drunk, and as of now he…

After coming under fire by animal rights activists and receiving numerous threats, the Tampa, FL restaurant Taco Fusion decided to discontinue its $35 taco made with meat from a lion. What do you think?

I was so pumped for the new Great Gatsby movie. It looked awesome, and I went into it with high hopes. The fact that it was in 3D seemed cool, and I’m a big fan of Baz Luhrmann’s films—but man, the movie just didn’t even come close to being as amazing as the book The Hit by David Baldacci.

WASHINGTON—Sources across the nation confirmed today that the font in this article is too small. Reports said the font, a 4-point Helvetica, is far too miniscule to be easily read by anyone and is, moreover, not the standard font size used in other articles on this website. Additional sources indicated that while this…

With LeBron James winning his fourth MVP award, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the superstar’s career up to this point.

STAMFORD, CT—Speaking with reporters Friday after picking up his suit from the dry cleaners, 29-year-old Jeremy Wallace confirmed that he has spent every weekend for the past three years attending a different friend’s wedding. “There was Amy’s wedding last week, Tara’s the week before, and Eric’s before that, and I’m…

According to Census Bureau data, 66.2 percent of eligible African-American voters turned out to cast a ballot in the 2012 election, compared to 64.1 percent of eligible Caucasian voters, the first time on record that blacks have surpassed whites in voter turnout rate. What do you think?