Tough Season - Preview
Tough Season returns with a gritty, hard-hitting look inside the fantasy football locker room of Brad’s Awesome Team.
The Case For And Against Intervening In Syria
While the Obama administration has been considering an armed intervention in Syria following the gassing deaths of hundreds of Syrian civilians, a vocal movement in Congress and among the general public has emerged in opposition of any U.S. military role. Here are the arguments for and against American involvement in…
50% Of Americans Oppose Intervention In Syria
According to an NBC poll, 50 percent of Americans oppose the use of military force against Syria in the wake of a purported chemical weapons attack by the government of Bashar al-Assad, compared to 42 percent who support military action. What do you think?
Students Can’t Believe They’re Actually Sitting In Class With Denison University Starting Quarterback Luke Pavlatos
GRANVILLE, OH—In what many described as “pretty incredible,” students at Denison University expressed disbelief Friday after realizing they were actually sitting in the same English 225 class as none other than the school’s starting quarterback, Luke Pavlatos. “Holy shit, Pav is here,” said sophomore Jared Stasio, who…
Obama Throws Up Right There During Syria Meeting
WASHINGTON—During a meeting with Cabinet-level officials at the White House Friday morning, sources confirmed that President Barack Obama threw up right in the middle of discussions regarding a U.S. military intervention in war-torn Syria. “He got really quiet and pale when we began to discuss plans for a unilateral…
Bricks Goddamned Everywhere, Reports Psychotic Study
PHILADELPHIA—A psychotic study authored by deranged researchers at the University of Pennsylvania confirmed Thursday that “the bricks…the bricks are goddamned everywhere.”
Latest U.N. Report Shows Raider Nation At Bottom Of Human Development Index Rankings
NEW YORK—According to a new report published Friday by the United Nations Development Programme, Raider Nation has for the fifth straight year held the lowest position in the Human Development Index rankings.
Scientists Grow Miniature Human Brains
Neuroscientists at an Austrian lab have grown pea-sized human brains that reach the same level of development as a 9-week-old fetus, though they claim the miniature brains, which are kept in nutrient-rich baths, are incapable of thought. What do you think?
Word Search On Box Of Frosted Mini-Wheats Fucking Impossible
TROY, NY—A word search puzzle featured on the back of a Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats box is just about fucking impossible, local man Glenn McCurdy confirmed Thursday. “Jesus Christ, why can’t I fucking do this?” said McCurdy, 34, referring to the impenetrable 10-letter by 10-letter grid, which reportedly includes…
Fast Food Workers On Strike Across U.S.
Saying they want to be paid $15 an hour, thousands of employees of fast food chains walked off the job today in 50 cities across the country in what is believed to be the largest ever strike by fast food workers. What do you think?
Completely Unnatural Mixed-Race Couple Actually Kind Of Beautiful In A Way
LAFAYETTE, IN—While describing the couple’s relationship as nothing short of perverse, sickening, and totally unnatural, reports confirmed Thursday that Daniel Bowman, a 25-year-old black man, and Jennifer Pines, a 24-year-old white woman, are in a way actually sort of beautiful together.
Rookie Geno Smith Has Already Mastered Jets Offense
NEW YORK—After Jets quarterback Geno Smith finished last week’s game against the Giants with a 45.7 passer rating, head coach Rex Ryan told reporters Thursday that the team is very encouraged by the rookie’s mastery of their offensive system. “All camp we’ve watched to see if Geno understands what we’re trying to do…
Report: Millions Of Courageous Americans Overcoming Media Pressure To Be Thin
AUSTIN—According to a groundbreaking report released this week by researchers at the University of Texas, tens of millions of citizens across the United States are bravely resisting the relentless pressure from the media to be thin and active.
Features Of ‘Madden 25’
With Electronic Arts releasing Madden NFL 25 this week, Onion Sports examines the new and innovative features of the popular football video game series.
