Luther Conover and Patricia Das
Luther Conover and Patricia Das had one of those really creepy weddings where they take the garter off all sexy.
Keys To The Matchup: Eli Manning vs. Peyton Manning
With Peyton battling Eli this week, Onion Sports examines the greatest conflict of all: Manning vs. Manning. Here’s what each brother must do to win.
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks
Bold Employee Just Watching Videos During Meeting With Sound On
PHILADELPHIA—Showing reportedly no signs whatsoever of fear, restraint, or apprehension, sources confirmed today bold local graphic designer Dan Perrett was just watching videos on his laptop, with the sound on and everything, during a 1 p.m. board meeting. “Ha,” Perrett reportedly chuckled to himself, confidently and…
J.K. Rowling Writing ‘Harry Potter’ Spinoff Film
Warner Brothers reached a partnership deal with J.K. Rowling to write a series of films based on the Hogwarts textbook Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them that appeared in her Harry Potter series of books and films. What do you think?
Tony Romo Confident Bruised Ribs Won’t Hurt His Performance In Upcoming Ballet Recital
DALLAS—Despite suffering several bruised ribs during last weekend’s 36-31 victory over the New York Giants, Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo told reporters Friday that the injury will in no way hinder his performance in an upcoming recital of Pyotr Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake. “I might not be 100 percent by the opening…
Mother Feels Violent Desire To Make Front Doorway Reflect Current Season
LANSING, IA—Describing it as “a raging desire over which [she] has absolutely no physical or psychological control,” local mother Sandra Bedo told reporters today that she regularly experiences an intense, violent compulsion to festoon her home’s front doorway in decorations that reflect the visual traditions of the…
Completely Unrealistic TV Character Has Complex, Multifaceted Personality
NEW YORK—According to a number of prominent television critics nationwide, the HBO series Boardwalk Empire stretches belief to the breaking point by featuring an incredibly implausible main character who is a complex human being with a layered, ambiguous, and nuanced personality. “I honestly want to like Nucky, the…
NASA: Voyager-1 Has Officially Carried Remains Of Joan Crawford Outside Solar System
WASHINGTON—Hailing the achievement as a monumental one for both the space program and humanity as a whole, NASA officials announced Friday that the Voyager 1 probe, first launched in 1977, has entered interstellar space with the remains of late actress Joan Crawford. “The Voyager 1’s plasma-wave antennas recently…
Department Of Agriculture Locates Perfect Goat
SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing the animal’s ideal physical features and archetypally frisky behavior, Department of Agriculture officials announced at a press conference Thursday that the agency had successfully located the perfect goat. “As you can see from the proportion of his legs to his body, his flawless, glossy brown…
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news.
Carrie Underwood Releases Complex, Multi-Part Prog Rock–Inspired ‘Sunday Night Football’ Theme Song
NEW YORK—Providing a unique interpretation of the weekly game broadcast’s iconic introductory music, country singer Carrie Underwood earlier this week debuted her own version of “Waiting All Day For Sunday Night,” a sprawling, multi-part progressive rock–inspired take on the NBC Sunday Night Football theme.
Study: Men With Smaller Gonads Are Better Dads
Researchers at Emory University found that men with smaller testicles were more involved fathers and helped to a greater extent with parenting duties than men with large testicles. What do you think?
Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart
OLATHE, KS—Despite numerous reservations and misgivings He harbored about the 33-year-old mortgage broker, Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Our Holy Savior, reportedly entered the heart of Derek Moehr on Wednesday, reluctantly illuminating the local man with His divine grace.
Jefferson Starship Memorial Reopens On National Mall
WASHINGTON—The National Park Service officially reopened the Jefferson Starship Memorial to the public Thursday, following nearly four months of routine repairs to the neoclassical marble structure honoring the historic American rock group. “This is my favorite memorial—it’s a beautiful, special place for citizens to…
