With Peyton battling Eli this week, Onion Sports examines the greatest conflict of all: Manning vs. Manning. Here’s what each brother must do to win.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Two Picks

Fox

PHILADELPHIA—Showing reportedly no signs whatsoever of fear, restraint, or apprehension, sources confirmed today bold local graphic designer Dan Perrett was just watching videos on his laptop, with the sound on and everything, during a 1 p.m. board meeting. “Ha,” Perrett reportedly chuckled to himself, confidently and…

Warner Brothers reached a partnership deal with J.K. Rowling to write a series of films based on the Hogwarts textbook Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them that appeared in her Harry Potter series of books and films. What do you think?

LANSING, IA—Describing it as “a raging desire over which [she] has absolutely no physical or psychological control,” local mother Sandra Bedo told reporters today that she regularly experiences an intense, violent compulsion to festoon her home’s front doorway in decorations that reflect the visual traditions of the…

NEW YORK—According to a number of prominent television critics nationwide, the HBO series Boardwalk Empire stretches belief to the breaking point by featuring an incredibly implausible main character who is a complex human being with a layered, ambiguous, and nuanced personality. “I honestly want to like Nucky, the…

WASHINGTON—Hailing the achievement as a monumental one for both the space program and humanity as a whole, NASA officials announced Friday that the Voyager 1 probe, first launched in 1977, has entered interstellar space with the remains of late actress Joan Crawford. “The Voyager 1’s plasma-wave antennas recently…

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing the animal’s ideal physical features and archetypally frisky behavior, Department of Agriculture officials announced at a press conference Thursday that the agency had successfully located the perfect goat. “As you can see from the proportion of his legs to his body, his flawless, glossy brown…

CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo revealed to reporters Friday that he enjoys keeping up with the news.

Researchers at Emory University found that men with smaller testicles were more involved fathers and helped to a greater extent with parenting duties than men with large testicles. What do you think?

NBC

OLATHE, KS—Despite numerous reservations and misgivings He harbored about the 33-year-old mortgage broker, Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Our Holy Savior, reportedly entered the heart of Derek Moehr on Wednesday, reluctantly illuminating the local man with His divine grace.

WASHINGTON—The National Park Service officially reopened the Jefferson Starship Memorial to the public Thursday, following nearly four months of routine repairs to the neoclassical marble structure honoring the historic American rock group. “This is my favorite memorial—it’s a beautiful, special place for citizens to…