Luther Conover and Patricia Das
Luther Conover and Patricia Das had one of those really creepy weddings where they take the garter off all sexy.
Keys To The Matchup: Eli Manning vs. Peyton Manning
With Peyton battling Eli this week, Onion Sports examines the greatest conflict of all: Manning vs. Manning. Here’s…
Bold Employee Just Watching Videos During Meeting With Sound On
PHILADELPHIA—Showing reportedly no signs whatsoever of fear, restraint, or apprehension, sources confirmed today bold…
J.K. Rowling Writing ‘Harry Potter’ Spinoff Film
Warner Brothers reached a partnership deal with J.K. Rowling to write a series of films based on the Hogwarts textbook F…
Tony Romo Confident Bruised Ribs Won’t Hurt His Performance In Upcoming Ballet Recital
DALLAS—Despite suffering several bruised ribs during last weekend’s 36-31 victory over the New York Giants, Cowboys…
Mother Feels Violent Desire To Make Front Doorway Reflect Current Season
LANSING, IA—Describing it as “a raging desire over which [she] has absolutely no physical or psychological control,”…
Completely Unrealistic TV Character Has Complex, Multifaceted Personality
NEW YORK—According to a number of prominent television critics nationwide, the HBO series Boardwalk Empire stretches…
NASA: Voyager-1 Has Officially Carried Remains Of Joan Crawford Outside Solar System
WASHINGTON—Hailing the achievement as a monumental one for both the space program and humanity as a whole, NASA…
Department Of Agriculture Locates Perfect Goat
SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing the animal’s ideal physical features and archetypally frisky behavior, Department of Agriculture…
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
CALDWELL, ID—Calling it a vital part of his daily routine, local man and utterly depraved masochist Richard Petrillo…
Carrie Underwood Releases Complex, Multi-Part Prog Rock–Inspired ‘Sunday Night Football’ Theme Song
NEW YORK—Providing a unique interpretation of the weekly game broadcast’s iconic introductory music, country singer…
Study: Men With Smaller Gonads Are Better Dads
Researchers at Emory University found that men with smaller testicles were more involved fathers and helped to a…
Christ Reluctantly Enters Area Man’s Heart
OLATHE, KS—Despite numerous reservations and misgivings He harbored about the 33-year-old mortgage broker, Jesus…
Jefferson Starship Memorial Reopens On National Mall
WASHINGTON—The National Park Service officially reopened the Jefferson Starship Memorial to the public Thursday,…