Schrödinger’s House
Has radioactive decay tripped the mechanism that sends the hammer swinging, smashing the vial of poison and killing the…
Onion Sports’ NFL Week Seven Picks
OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week seven games:
Man Uses Air Conditioner To Attack Michael Bay
A man reportedly attacked Michael Bay on the set of Transformers 4 in Hong Kong by swinging an air conditioning unit at…
God Reveals He Occasionally Eats Humans
THE HEAVENS—Speaking candidly during a rare interview this Thursday, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father,…
HBO Announces ‘Game Of Thrones’ Not Coming Back This Weekend
NEW YORK—Addressing the show’s legions of passionate fans, HBO executives officially announced Friday that the hit…
Entire Office Clamoring To Be Introduced To Coworker's Parents
CHANDLER, AZ—Nearly uncontrollable with excitement upon learning that coworker Drew Nieman’s parents were visiting,…
Unnerving Adidas Commercial Just Features Derrick Rose Sitting
CHICAGO—Striking a different tone from previous ads for the sportswear company, a disturbing new Adidas commercial…
Clemson Athletic Director Rips Into Player Who Isn’t Putting Academics First
CLEMSON, SC—Sources have confirmed that following a review of the latest academic progress reports, Clemson athletics…
Greatest Sports Rivalries
Approaching a weekend schedule full of heated rivals facing off on the gridiron, Onion Sports breaks down the most…
Flesh-Eating Drug Krokodil Catches On In U.S.
Several people in the U.S. have been hospitalized following their apparent use of the highly addictive injectable…
Government Reopens
With the United States just hours from hitting the debt ceiling, the House of Representatives voted to pass a…
Boehner Hoping To Remain Leader Of Republican Parties
WASHINGTON—After a 16-day-long government shutdown and a nearly averted financial crisis that left them with their…
Republicans Give In Right Before Obamacare Would Have Been Repealed
WASHINGTON—After Republican lawmakers reached a last-minute agreement Wednesday night to end the government shutdown…
Distressed Michael Vick Urges Creation Of Some Sort Of Dog Fighters Anonymous Support Group
PHILADELPHIA—Speaking at a press conference Thursday about the “sickening compulsion,” a visibly distraught Michael…
There’s Going To Be A New Alpha Male In The Office When My Coworkers Hear About The Baby Deer I Saw
I’ll admit it: I’m not necessarily at the top of this office’s totem pole. To be perfectly honest, I don’t have a…
Nude Biden Wakes Up On Cold Slab In D.C. Morgue
WASHINGTON—Disoriented and “freezing his goddamn nuts off,” a naked Vice President Joe Biden reportedly awoke Thursday…
Moose Dying Off Across North America
Moose populations are falling sharply across Canada and the northern United States, and while scientists do not have a…